I just posted my story in the "introduce yourself" forum. It feels like a weight off my shoulders already, but I hope I can really do this.
I already woke up this morning with the YH in my head, but I managed to brush it off and go daven.

great!
one of aseres hadibros here is
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
keep on posting and let us know of your plan and strategy.

My plan is not really that concrete yet.
I have so far realized that my drive for lust is fueled by ....(drumroll)....lust!
To that end, I will focus more of my concentration on not staring at every woman in the street. (This may have an added benefit of making the street safer when I drive)
Additionally, I am trying to avoid all websites other than email and GYE, due to the triggerin' effects of pretty much any other site. I hope that this geder will enable me to get out of the mindframe of sexualizing every woman I see.
Another day clean, but it's getting difficult, because the wife has no idea what I'm going through and needs me to listen to her talk about her sister, not realizing that she's triggering me.
Trying to keep my mind focused on one day at a time

Lavi, what are the other 8?
(The last one's a no brainer

Bigmoish wrote:


Welcome Reb BM and kudos for your efforts to avoid triggers.
BUT
you need ACTION!
Something about the above quote tells me that you don't have a filter on your computer, (or at least not a very helpful one).

Yea right... I know aaaaaaaaalllll the different excuses.
Been there - Done (or didn't do) that.
Come-on! Chazak V'Ematz! Just get that filter today!

Yo can start by clicking here:
venishmartem.com/new/index.php/devices/computers

והבא לטהר מסייעין לו

I do have filters on my computer at home, but cannot have them installed at work. I am b"h in a stage where I would not jeopardize my job by watching NSFW materials at work.

The reason I didn't mention that as part of the plan is because although I have watched p***, that is not really my major issue.
I am primarily focused on clearing my thoughts from fantasies about real people and putting an end to my m**** habit/addiction(jury's still out on which one it is).

The websites I was referring to above are ones that are purportedly not for the express purpose of promoting the objectification of women e.g., news, business, etc. I feel that in a way, these are easier to stay away from voluntarily, because the yetzer hara to "sneak" onto forbes.com is not that strong.

Thanks for the ideas, shivisi. Clean today on this plan so far, so I'll let you know if I make any tweaks.

Regarding your ma'amar chazal at the bottom, I heard recently that the difference between a "Ba L'Taher" and a "Ba L'Tamei" is "M'sayin Lo" v. "Poschin Lo." The difference is that one who wants to be Tahor needs help from outside - a siyua - like the gemara says "Ain chavush matir atzmo mibais ha'assurim." Whereas someone who wants to be Tamei only needs a Pesach - Hashem gives him a door R"L and he walks through it all alone.
That's why these forums are so awesome.

One of the young women who works in my office (fortunately nowhere near my workspace) generally dresses like a zoinah mamash. Today was no different, but I didn't think about her all day. I guess that means I averted my gaze from her quickly enough? I hope so.

I was learning mishnayos tonight, and I came to a mishna that discusses women. Not even a particularly graphic one, mind you. And I had a hirhur of tayvah.
HOW MESSED UP AM I???

Anyways, I'm proud to be clean for today. I think it's 4, but I'm not really keeping track. Trying to focus on every day being day 1.

Moish

shivisi wrote:


Bigmoish wrote:



PLEASE be Mochel me, Reb Bigmoish, for being Choshed B'ksherim. I'm really sorry.


Bigmoish wrote:


I'm not referring to you in particular, but many of us here have been in situations where we knew that the consequences of being caught viewing inappropriate material would be disastrous, [losing our job, greatly damaging our marriage relationship, public shame, and worse], but that had not stopped us when the taiva/addiction urge kicked in. I just want to warn everyone that ones fear of consequence is not always a strong enough deterrent.


Bigmoish wrote:


I would like to point out that it is imperitive for EVERYONE to have a filter on their internet REGARDLESS of whether they feel that that they are prone to fall into the nisayon of inappropriate viewing or not.
This is for 2 main reasons, [as explained by the experts in the field, and endorsed by the Rabanim who have gotten involved, in view of the epidemic-like proportions of this issue]: 1. In order to create a NORM of Everyone having only filtered internet, and so to minimize the nisayon for those who have it more difficult, and 2. Because experience has shown that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE is immune to this nisayon. There have been many cases where people who, by all factors seemed logically and clearly to be the farthest from falling prey to this, who unfortunately have found themselves bring pulled way down due to using unfiltered internet.


Bigmoish wrote:


It is exactly these seemingly innocent traps, on sites of this type, which were/are the beginning of the downfall of the majority of those, as mentioned above, who "no one would have ever expected them" to become a victim of lust addiction. To a certain extent there's more danger in these innocent sites than in sites "that are purportedly meant for the express purpose of promoting the objectification of women".
As this is true for those who have as yet not found themselves to be lust prone, how much more so for those like us, who have known issues with lust tendencies and addiction, regardless of viewing inappropriate materal was their "major issue" or not.


Thanx for the enlightening explanation of the words of Ma'amar Chazal.

shivisi


Just to explain my situation a little better, it's not like I have to worry about "consequences." My workstation is in the middle of a hallway where people constantly walk right behind me and see my computer every minute of the day, often without me seeing them. It would be instantly seen, found out, and action taken, so the nisayon for real p*** is B"H greatly diminished.

shivisi


I could not possibly agree more with this line and the rest of this paragraph. Yasher koyach for reinforcing this vital point.

Regarding your final comments, I agree wholeheartedly as well.
When I said that p*** is'nt my major issue, perhaps I was a little unclear. I have watched p*** and do have strong tayvos to watch inappropriate materials. However, after several years of trying to stop, and learning a little about myself in the process, I feel that for ME, banging up against a filter when I'm in the throes of tayvah is not the optimal way to help myself. In the past, when I would be thwarted by a filter in he heat of the moment, I would just fantasize about real people and m**** anyway. I am currently trying to fix my sick brain, not "prevent myself from watching P***," although that IS a major step toward the goal.
I feel that in my recent short term success, taking it a step further back - like I've seen posted here regarding making a geder one step above where you're holding - makes my KISHKES feel better. At the same time, to work for ME, I have to believe that the gedarim that I set up will be enjoyable for me to keep. The filter has to be a last line af defense. It is by no means (FOR ME) a solution to my "depression."
All it is is to prevent me from seeing what I know I shouldn't be. But if I reach that point, I already lost most of the battle, because I am not internalizing the joy of staying clean and staying away from the gedarim I set up before that point.
This is by NO means an endorsement for anyone else. This is what (so far b"ah) works for ME. (Am I starting to sound repetitive? I just don't want anyone to misconstrue this as a haskamah to not have a filter. EVERYONE MUST HAVE A FILTER ON ALL DEVICES.)
However, I think that each of us has to try to figure out which aspect of winning the battle makes us b'simcha. One of my Rabbeim says you have to work on yourself when the yetzer hara is NOT bothering you. You (I) will never win in a head to head confrontation (which again highlights the importance of filters). Avoiding that confrontation altogether is of key importance to subduing the YH. It's easiest for ME to do that by creating (tapping into?)a physical drive that can potentially, at times, override the desire to watch p*** and m****.

Thanks again for your stress of these very important inyonim. I wouldn't want someone to c"v be nichshol because of anything I wrote.

Moish

Confession time: In my offline life, I'm a judgmental person. I guess I have a chip on my shoulder (pretty ironic saying that here), but it does make me feel yucchy when I judge someone superficially.

Yesterday, that all changed.

I saw someone playing with his cellphone during mincha (clearly not davening from it) - major pet peeve of mine (- as if my kavanah is so amazing).
All of a sudden a thought popped in my head - what if that guy is one of us here? I would practically owe him my life, but I'll look askance at him because he has the wrong type of head covering? or he's not makpid on the exact same chumros that I happen to be? Or he's too much of a "frummie?" Or any other perceived offense I could make up in my head?
I don't know if this feeling will last very long, but at that moment, I felt an ahavah for all yidden like never before. (My apologies if that sounds cliche, but I really can't describe it any differently.)

In other news, I have b'ezras Hashem completed yet another day intact.

Thanks for doing your part building the bayis shlishi.
Takke big, Big Moish!

(In other news, I like the word 'yucchi' (-: )

WOW!! AMAZING!!!

I have a big problem with being judgmental as well, and the AA Big Book talks about it also. It's a simple tactic for me to divert my attention from myself, which can be very uncomfortable, to somebody else, which has a double advantage. For starts, it takes away the attention from me, secondly, it makes me seem as if I'm awesome!!

I have realized as well that many times that I get aggravated about what people do in shul and in beis medrash, it is simply because they are disturbing my idea of a geshmake place for davening and learning!! When I acknowledge that and realize that I can daven the same and learn the same regardless of what that person is doing, most of the animosity goes away!!

One of the fellows has been tellin' me about a "resentment sheet" that he wrote and updates constantly.
Anyone know more info about it?
Sounds like it can help us.

Thanks

b'hatzlachah

ineedchizuk - I just figured the "cch" looked best - like "zucchini."

Pidaini - When you put it that way, those guys probably get annoyed by whatever I'm doing that's disturbing their davening. So, yeah, just one more reason not to be so stuck up.

cordnoy - I haven't heard about it, but it sounds like something out of "Calvin & Hobbes," and I'm cracking up thinking about what might be on it.

I do not know what C & H is, but I'm assumin' this is a list that one makes of things that one resents; it helps, for then you can gauge your feelin's and what you need to work on.