Okay. I fell on Wednesday, then Thursday again. It's a familiar pattern: a set-back, then dealing with the resultant pessimism. It relates, I'm sure, to my OCD, perfectionism, and penchant for polarized, absolutist thinking. I suffer from that "all or nothing" perception.

What's more, I feel that my abstinence leaves me with a wellspring of desire that has to be, for lack of a better word, exorcised from body (read: removed through self-gratification). In other words, my thinking is: "Well, I fell... Might as well just jettison all of this pent-up sexual frustration and...BINGE on lust!"

So today's mission: stem the tide. Don't let a two-day lapse become a three-day binge.

I realize that this destructive binge capitulation is a sort of a paradigm, a way of thinking, for addicts. And I also realize that it's a chronic misstep for me, one that's responsible for countless hours wasted on horrible self-gratification. If I characterize my addictive behavior in units of time, I have a habit of turning a few hours of lust into days of dreadful self degradation (or, and I shutter to write this: neshama degradation).

So, that's my mission for today. With HaShem's help, and your support, I hope I could do it!

"Hope" is not a plan....it's a prayer of sorts, but not even that.

"Neshma degradation" is a topic that has been bantered around here many times. It is similar to the fear of Gehinnom, the seriousness of the aveirah, etc.

Many of us here know that.
We understand the "chomer ha-inyan."
Some can deliver a discourse on the BAD WORD REMOVEDah of the baal haterumos l'gabei peru urvu and the Rashba in the sugya of moch, or how the Pnei Yehoshua and the Dibros Moshe explain the sugya.

Where does that get us?

As Dov is want to say, "Back to the bathroom floor."

so, while it is true that we are degrading our neshamah (and I'm not one to say that with this nisayon, when we pass it, our neshamah is elevated to even loftier levels), that will not be the deterrent....to many of us at least.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks, Cordnoy. I understand some of what you're saying, and it certainly echoes a lot of the sentiments I've read in the daily emails as well, or at least, I think. But I am still confused about a lot of the thought I'm encountering here on the forums. A lot of it seems contradictory (probably just a function of everyone sharing their own advice).

I'm new to the recovery world, and have a tremendous amount to learn, but from what I understand, the underlying theme is that we have to essentially wrest the inclination to control and fight this thing from our psyches. That is, we have to accept that it's not within our power, as addicts, to rein in our problem; that only through giving ourselves entirely to HaShem, and effacing our egos, will we be able to live cleanly.

Of course, raising fences and taking action is a prerequisite for success here on our end of the battlefield, but in terms of how we envision the outcome of this war, why is hope bad?

In my posts here, I'm purposefully avoiding language that implies control, micro-management and a general sense that I can beat this thing on my own. At least, that's the vibe I'm getting from a lot of the people who've worked the SA program.

I might be over-thinking things, or maybe even missing some fundamental points entirely, but there's a lot of ambiguity in terms of how to approach recovery.

As for the whole hashkafah of focusing on hurting our souls, I agree that it, alone, has been unsuccessful. So, in your opinion, even reminding myself about that is counter-productive?

Thanks again for helping out this perplexed freshman!

You write so eloquently and clear and concise.

I am a freshman as well.

I am merely voicin' my opinion; it holds no more weight than anyone else's....probably much less.

I am the anti hope fellow on this site, and people have caught on. It is not a bad thing to hope. My stress is that action is required. Hopin' that things will be different, for we hope that it will, will not get us anywhere.

Your second paragraph is an excellent one. It should be required reading for SA members and groups (which I am a proud member of). I, however, have not gotten there yet. Yes, I know that I cannot recover on my own. I know that I will be addicted to lust for the rest of my life. I know that if I allow those thoughts to fester in me, I will eventually get a hold of my ultimate lust desire, and therefore I know that I cannot fall into that trap. All fantasies (with wife included) are shut out. There is no place for them inside of this lust-festered brain and organ of mine.

Did I give myself entirely to Hashem? I don't think so.
Did I efface my ego? Perhaps...partly...maybe.
Am I livin' cleanly? Yes...for right now....and frankly my dear, that is all that counts.

b'hatzlachah

Checking in/checking up... I'm trying hard to stay focused and clean, despite some recent falls. Also -- and, yes, this is me procrastinating -- I'm planning on joining one of the phone conferences.