BS"D

Shalom aleichem everyone... it's been too long since I last posted in GYE. Unfortunately, I've been down in the dumps the last couple of months... got down on myself and that led me to several act-outs, c"v. At this point, be"H, I have identified the following areas that led to this:

1. Got down on myself on how important aspects of my life were going. I mean, I did (and still do) have some difficulties in my role as a husband, a father, a metzuveh lilmod Torah, and an employee. But any time I have the feeling like I can't figuratively look myself in the mirror, it's probably just the yetzer hara's idea, and this time was no different. Unfortunately, while in the moment, I let that get to me and failed to reach out in a timely fashion to people who could have helped me right the ship, so to speak.
2. My mindset (hashkafa, if you like) on where I was holding on my lust problem got twisted... B"H, I had a clean streak of almost 6 months before the first recent act-out, and I realize now that I let the feeling of "I have this thing licked" creep in and establish residence in my mind. So, when I acted out the first time, with this improper feeling in mind, I naturally got down (see #1!) from getting a harsh reminder that I did not "have it licked". Then the vicious cycle ensued... featuring thoughts of "Why do I even bother?" and "none of my efforts actually worth anything". And this contributed to additional act-outs. I still have to work on myself to accept that, look, whatever I call it (issue, problem, addiction, etc.), I will always have to be vigilant with this... Hashem Yisbarach gave me this middah for me to toil and do my best in... not avoid.
3. I let an impending change of work computers keep me from implementing accountability software on my laptop... hence, even with a strong filter, I "found ways around" it and used it to act-out.

There are probably other reasons that I should put here, but these are the main contributors. I sincerely hope that at least one person reading here can learn from my mistakes to avoid acting out.

But the biggest thing I should mention is that in the last couple of days, B"H, I came to realize that I had to correct a big fault in my general approach to life... since starting out trying to keep Shabbos a bit over 15 years ago, I guess I had found the thought of being religious to be somewhat daunting... that, by itself, is not a big deal (at least IMHO). However, what I did in response to that wasn't that good... I subconsciously decided to keep religion at "arms-length" in my mind, so it wouldn't be so daunting... i.e. I could still be me and do the mitzvos I could... maybe that was ok at first, in order to get started growing in yahadus, but it's not a good thing to do essentially. Hashem Yisbarach asks for our hearts, my rabbis have taught me. He wants us to have a relationship with Him... and I, through a decision from 15 years ago, was keeping myself away from Him to a certain extent, k'va'yachol. So I realized that I have been just trying "to be me" and "fight the fight" against lust... but that's just not going to work, it's a contradiction... I need to get to the mindset of reaching out myself and grabbing as much Torah and mitzvos as I can... actually work on that relationship with Hashem. It's either do this, or I will get more steeped in whatever garbage the 21st century world throws my way... what I have been doing, even more so, been thinking is disgusting... but only if I chase after Hashem, can I get and stay clean... I cannot do it myself. Heck, I have no idea how this all works, b'etzem, but in the end, I don't need to know how it works, darn it!. I think this realization is just the start and will require a lot of effort... but that sounds about right for how to have the best chance to achieve in this world (whether or not one actually achieves is solely up to Hashem, of course).

Ok - sorry this has been so long... but I need to say one more thing, as it is very l'ma'aseh... I have changed my handle here to go by my real English name... I have gone by "Tosfos" until now, but starting now, I'm going by Larry. I have come to agree with Reb Dov about using a pseudonym here... at least for myself... and I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, thanks very much for reading and in advance for any responses. Have a great Shabbos and a chag kasher v'sameach.

-- Larry

Great stuff Larry/Tosfos

I think we had some sports discussions in the past; not sure though.

In any event, it's good to have you back.

Sorry about the fall, but it looks like you are pickin' up nicely.

Keep at it.

b'hatzlachah

Cordnoy - my old friend... yes, we discussed your Bears and my Eagles. Glad to be back... I hope I can, be"H, turn those aveiros into zechuyos. Thanks for the encouragement... hatzlacha to you as well.

Welcome back Tosfos/Larry!!!

Awesome post there!! Very insightful!! I think that even as an FFB I still put yahadus at arms length, and I am still learning and growing in developing a relationship with Hashem!!

I too am getting up from a series of falls, and I'm remembering now how difficult "One day at a time" can be, but that's where it's at. Just one day at a time!!

KOP!! KOMT!!

Thanks very much Pidaini... sorry to hear about your recent falls.

The trick now for me is to implement... all the best intentions in the world are nice, but must be put into practice to achieve their full potential.

Totally agree on one-day-at-a-time. In fact, sometimes it helps to make things seem less daunting... i.e. "The only thing I have to 'worry' about is today."

B'hatzlacha & bracha,
Larry

Football!?
aveiros!?

Vas redst du?

Welcome Back!!!!!

Larry
Agreed. So, now the question is what practices are you going to put in place and how?

Cordnoy - Just going outta bounds, my friend .

Larry, Tosfos, Friend.....

Can we give you a five yard penalty for delay of game?
Perhaps 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct?
10 yards for clippin', or is that slippin'?

Whatever....what is goin' on please?

thanks

Shalom aleichem Cordnoy - sorry I've been a stranger for so long... had a decent clean streak several months ago during the yamim nora'im, but then had a challenging time of it for a while starting with Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan... but b'chasdei Hashem, I've been clean for a couple weeks now... I will share a discovery (at least for me) - that I recently took specific action on strengthening my relationship with my wife... and I think in doing so, it really helped me get out of my own mind, so to speak, at least for the time being. I know it's something a lot of people speak about here... and so I was able to take at least one step in the right direction, b'ezras Hashem.

Anyway - hope you're doing well.

Thanks for poppin' back in.
Thanks for hopin'.

What was that step you took to improve your marriage?
I'm always willin' to learn new thin's (as long as they are not too difficult).

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:

Ahh, my dear Cordnoy... you ask a good question... although what I'm going to say might very well not be news at all to a lot of married guys... I am putting my main comments behind a spoiler in case unmarried guys don't want to read (sorry if this should be on the married-guys' forum and not here).



Now - I know intellectually that I still have lots of work to do, but I really feel like doing this provided me a big boost... and I'm hoping it can be the first step to true improvement, b'ezras Hashem.

Hope this is helpful.

kol tuv,
Larry