Hi,

today is day twenty. All I wanted to tell you. Have a wonderful shabbes. Today shovavim-tat starts, but I spoke to Dov, and he told me that it is only for those who are clean for a longer while, but not for strugglers with lust. Indeed, tikkunim came later, as the Steipler writes in his letters.
Paranthetically I want to addd, that the Shlo Hakodosh writes that the shovavim-tat exists only in the shono meuberes, and shovavim without "tat" does not exist as the whole idea of shovavim is to be metaken that we have two meorot one small and one big, vehamaskil yovin.

I feel alone, and no one writes on my thread.

oh, you're not alone, no where near alone.

One of the things needed though, if you want people to write on your thread is.....FOR YOU TO WRITE on your thread!!

We're all in the same boat here, we're all struggling with the same lust. Post around, get to know people here, you'll have people posting in all of your threads!!

But the main thing is

KOMT!!!!!

thank you for that explanation of shovavim, i always wondered why it was only for a leap year

Sounds quiet obvious

there you go!!!

Sometimes it's the obvious things that slip our minds....

KUTGW!!!

We're right here!!

Today is day 22.
I am becoming nerveous with the prospect of spending one week outside yeshive, visiting my parents soon, as outside the arba amos of the beis midrash is the mabul. But the truth is that will need to have program and force myself no to watch TV when my parents will.

I am still working the first step of the GYE handbook, to stop.

B"H, I feel that the psychotherapy has a positive effect on me. Instead of trying to find ways not to feel the pain of life, I am now trying to express this feelings, I am crying often, and aftewards I feel happiness entering.
I remember once after crying for one hour, I felt hungry again after many weeks of not having this feeling and I ate an entire chocolate bar.

Yes crying can be a broche. I feel sometimes uncomfortable doing so, especially, when I feel that I need to cry and everyone is happy, because I have tremendeous difficulties being happy. It seems to me that showing emotions is so difficult in our society, crying in tfille is acceptable for the yamim noraim, but otherwise bewildered looks are the consequence.

What am I doing to stay clean? Currently the first step of the GYE handbook, STOP.

WOW!!!

Yes, showing emotion is very rare in our society, it goes together with the rarity of not showing imperfection, WITH NOT BEING REAL!!

It's great that you are able to be real, to realize that there is nothing wrong with being yourself!! Validating our feelings and dealing with them correctly is the key!!!

KUTGW!! KOMT!!!

Thank you Pidaini.

Today is day 24. Nothing more to add.

Today is day 28, BH. I am now at my parents. When I came by bus, I had a major nisayon as there was a couple kissing sitting in front of me. While I could not see them, I could hear them which was engough to trigger me.
However, I davened to Hashem as I felt powerless, then I decided to listen to shiurim.
After a while I slept in and I forgot about them.

I am trying to keep myself busy, I also started listening to the shmuz "the fight" by R. Shaffier, it is very helpful.
Additionally I became a tehillimzuger, tehillim mit trernen, tehillim with tears. It is so helpful, and there is pain in the beginning and joy at the end, as opposed to p* and hz"l, lehavdil. In the latter case there is fake pleasure in the beginning and real pain and emptiness in the end.


Gute woch!

What a great way to fall asleep!!!!

Way to Go!! KUTGW!!!

Chasdei Hashem ki lo tamnu, ki lo chalu rachamav.
Today is day 35. I had different nisyonos. Recently I went for a walk with my parents. We are living in Europe. In a place with liberal laws, I saw an add on the street (sic!), in the center of the city about certain services. It sounded very convincing, I just saw the first line of the text, but I could imagine the rest. As I was with my parents I felt embarassed to look again, my parents bought me an ice (cholov stam) and on the way back home I forgot about it. However, when I saw the ad I asked HKB"H to help me, as I really do not want this thoughts to be in my mind nor did I wish the bodily reaction.
The truth is, I am just so happy that I can say "veal bris'kho shekhatamto bivsoreinu" and I am keeping it, I do not want to lose it.

I decided to go to the psychatrist and I think he will prescribe an anti-depressant, as I feel depressed, and unfortunately there is little change over the last months, while therapy helps, it takes its time. There is no short-cut. I am very happy, though, to be here in GYE and to be able to share.

At home I realized that I am not the only one in the familily having difficulties, sadly enough my parents had a very emotional argument, fight might be the more appropriate term. As a teenager similar situations made want to run away from my parents, I would usually act out. Unfortunately, my parents make me feel guilty about their arguments, and this may be one of the sources of depression as I feel that I am guilty, though my therapist said that it is not my fault.

And out of the many chasadim that the Borei Yisborach Shmo did to me is, that it is very clear to me that without him I cannot live, and that I need to pray, to ask, to thank, to share, to stay connected, in other words start to become real; develop a real relationship with other human beings, only then can I have a meaningful relationship with HBK"H, thank you so much!

I have nothing to say.....just KUTGW!!!!

and KOP!!!

your being omeid benisyonos are a tremendous inspiration to me and i'm sure to many others here
keep up the chizuk and being mechazek us

You say Thank You to us.

Well I say thank you to you. Every single day that you TRY, is a chizuk to the rest of us, and created Malochim to guard over Klal Yisroel.

What helps me the most, is to take each minute, not even each day, at a time.

If you even delay the Yetzer Horo, you have done a great thing.

And learn to speak to Hashem!

Thinking of you

Imperfection

Shalom chevre,

thank you for the feedback. Shabbos was wonderful, and very inspiring.

Today, I lost the battle. I did not sleep very well the night. After shachris, and breakfast, I tried to learn a bit but could not concentrate as I was to tired. I decided to sleep a bit in my room, when I woke up and went to the bathroom, I had a fall. Usually, I have a clear plan, and would just say the y"h. that, do not disturb me, try later. And then he would go. But now I felt depressed, when I slept I dreamt that I tried to commit suicide, r"l. I anyways contemplated for a while to go to the psychatrist and ask for anti-depressants (I have an appointment for this week) as sometimes I have this dark thoughts, r"l. I felt no motivation whatsoever to resists the y"h. B"H now after I listend to the shmuz I feel already better, and I am back here.

Parathentically it should be mentioned that the fall did not happen in the vacuum. I unfortunately disconnected, till I went to my parents for a week (last week) I used to speak to HKB"H a few times a day, and I would say every day tehillim, usually with tears (not because of guilt or tshuve, but rather because of pain, that otherwise causes me to act out). Afterwards, I felt that I am alive, and I usually the desire for came back food, and for doing something like sports, or just happines, all this came a bit back. But after a few difficult situations with my parents, that I did not know to handle, I tried to accept everything. But I did not give my resentments over to God, but I tried to hold back, and to swallow it, which of course does not work.

I know that this swallowing up does not work, it seems I needed to do chazore, so I gave myself over to lust, instead of giving myself over to HKB"H.

One day at a time, that is also the leitmotiv of this thread, "leat leat -- yesod bigematria".
That is my main difficulty staying connected bein odom lechaveiro, bein odom leMokom, it is not so much the not looking.

Anyways, I take the white kittel, and today is day 0.

Gute woch!