Thanks for your answers : Pidaini has the good questions, and I think I must have the good answer

Yesterday was... an horrible day.
Many falls, after a week-end when I managed to stay clean, monday was a big hole full of mud.

Since then, it was very difficult to gain will to continue the fight, to keep hope of a success... Just fall again and again, going to these sites...

I went to mikvah this morning, and take to me to stay concentrate on this day. The morning was uncertain, but the things are a little calmer now.

My phone, that was the vector, was reconfigured with a "paranoid" filter : nothing can pass !

But, as Pidaini said to me, it's good, but the important thing is to ask "Why I fell ??"
To figure out the reasons of my fall.

I am a little confused about this.

Perhaps, I had too much trust into me. After 42 days of clean, perhaps I was thinking that the bad part was just behind me, and the runway to 90 days was in front of me... And so, I fell.

Maybe, I have just to trust to Hachem and make caution... And to talk to him when the things are bad and the storm is growing...

Falls agains...

I am trying to remotivate but the actual period is very difficult, I don't see the end...

I am trying to think how to do the things better, what I have to improve, what are my mistakes... but it's very difficult when you are falling again and again !
I am battling during hours to not fall, and just do multiple falls just after.

Very confusing, I am empty of hope for the moment
Only Hashem can get me our of this...

Sorry to hear about your situation......there is an end to this, there is!!

You say only Hashem can get you out, have you mentioned that to Him yet? Have you told Him everything that is on your mind?

Even if it so difficult, I know that I have to continue to believe in it...

I didn't speak to Hashem because I didn't find the courage to do it. I will take a moment to do it tonight, even little will be better than nothing

R' Nachman says we must always remember the posuk that Yonah said when he was swallowed by a fish:
מִבֶּטֶן שְׁאוֹל שִׁוַּעְתִּי - שָׁמַעְתָּ קוֹלִי
From the belly of hell I cried out to You - You heard my voice.

Yes, even from the belly of hell we can cry out to Hashem and He will be hearing our voice. Ashreinu - How fortunate are we!

Hatzlacha

MT

Thanks for all your support

Machshovo Tova, your message touch me, it awaked me to take a moment to open my heart to Hashem.

So, yesterday, I awaited a moment of calm when I could be alone, and I cried a lot, telling all to Hashem about my sitation, and asking Him to help me...

I felt better after this, and after a moment of reflexion, I took upon myself new measures against lust, and to take a moment every to read GYE manuels and stories, and to call more frequently my partner...

And, I think that is the most important thing, I am better integrating that I am dependant : I know that I am dependant, but I am not sure that I integrated well this point, with all the consequences...
Cleary, when you integrate this, all the way to manage the problem changes...

(see next post)

MT

That's gevaldig! Thanks for sharing.

B"H you reached out to Hashem - don't let go of Him. As the possuk says:
אחזתיו ולא ארפנו
I grabbed hold of Him, and I will not leave go of Him.

Tzadikim said, "With Hashem, we can move mountains. Without Him, we cannot even pass ovr the threshold of our house."

Hatzlacha

MT

YES!!!

By talking to Hashem we remind ourselves that He is the only one who can really trully help! It is sometimes dificult, but always worth it

KOMT!!!! KUTGW!!!

Barukh Hashem, I am clean since this last fall

I talked to some people, and that helped me a lot to have 'Hizuk to continue the battle.

I wasn't at work in the last days, so the things were a little calmer, with no computer with Internet at hand.

But the last night, I dreamed a porn dream who was very realistic, with many sensations... It was very strange.
I awoke with a zav, but I know that a zav is not a fall because it's not our will to have this.

But, since this morning, I have many sensations from this dream that the Y'R is bringing again and again into my mind, and many thoughts about it...

I am wondering why I dreamed of this ?
Thursday was clean, and I managed to guard my eyes clean.
And the scenario of the dream was terrible, but I don't want to analyse it deeper.

It's not easy, fortunately Shabbos is in a few hours, and I hope that will help to make disappear all these remembering of the dream !

Good Shabbos to all

Don't you worry about that dream, they still come visit me every once in a while, it's only another trick of the YH.

You just forget about it, if you are doing everything you can. One day at a time....one foot in front of the other, it doesn't make a difference what happened yesterday or what happenend a few steps back, right now all I need to do is take the next step...and then the next....

KOMT!!

I am back

I was away from GYE for a moment because I had many personnal problems, and they literally absorbed me :

- My mother was very ill : she has passed very close to death, and a morning I had to run to her home to bring her to the hospital instead of going to work because she was in strong danger... Baruch Hashem she is better now, and she is going in a nursing home.

- Many problems at work : a company wanted to seduce me, with many money... Interesting.
But this company is entirely guided by a principal : "money above all"... It's like a shark cart, with many liars, and some risks for my family (not about lust, but about being entirely for the work and to beginning to desert the family).
Many pressure about this, many hesitations, and finally I didn't signed to this company : ok, money is important, but at what cost ?! The cost of my family ? The cost of my neshama ?

- I was very ill for an entirely week, staying for 2 days into the bed, and I was weak for some days after this.

I was happy that I succeeded to pass these nisayon without major fall.
I had just one fall when I was ill and very weak : the Y'H twisted me up to see "some interesting things"... Boom.

I meditate many about this fall, and the same day of my fall, the 'Hizuk mail of GYE was saying a thing that hit me : a teaching of Rabban Yochanan ben Zakai.




Clearly, if I had this midoh when I had my fall, the fall didn't happen...

So I am working actually a much to get this midoh ; and to have Hashem in my mind all the day, and to internalize that he sees all my actions, all my thoughts, and nothing is forgotten.

I am clean for 12 days today.

May Hashem helps us all !

hello David
May Hashem help you.
How are you? Have you taken a decision for work ?
To make the good choice, think with Hashem's regard and your Emunah: is it really good for you, for your sobriety, for your family, your Torah.
We always choose the things because "I can't refuse" or "It's an opportunity...". Money and YH speak to us. Sometimes it' true that this is the good choice, but we must choose without the weight of money which decides for us.
Have a good Mazal, friend!

Hello all,

I am continuing the battle : I manage to stay sober about 30-40 days, but I don't manage to stay sober longer.
For work, finally I stayed at my place and didn't change, for this it's ok now.

But I have a little question to ask...

I began since a few weeks the Taphsic method. Since then, I fell two times, but the result is globally that I am reinforced into my determination to stay sober : I hope that I will manage to reach the 90 days !

My question is that after a fall, I taken upon me to execute the normal Knas into the next 36 hours. But, after one of my two falls, I forgot this part of the shvouah and I executed the knas only after 4 days.

I am very disappointed about this... Is there a big problem about this, did I transgressed a lav in shvouah laws ? Do I have a tikkun to make ?

Thank you !