Dear friends
I no longer wrote for 6 weeks as I was caught in a whirlwind of falls and lifts. Here's where I am and what I think I understand my disease.
In the same way that some alcoholics say that talking too much about their alcohol problems AA was trigger, I noticed that some conference calls SA were not me good. Bizarre, because at the beginning they were a relief to talk to people like me. Including but once , when I was sober for ten days , without envy , a conference completely " woke up the beast, for no apparent reason . I was greatly troubled.
My stress and my agitation took advantage step by step , all the capacity and character change with my wife disappeared , I was restless, obsessed with desire. Like a pot explodes , I relapsed , I went into a store to see a bad film. This led to a desire to return to a massage parlor , but I never went back . I did not want to take this course . I went into a bad strip club , where you can just touch the dancers ( too ) , I was on the brink . Hashem saved me.
Without telling my wife a huge argument ensued , incomprehensible from his point of view, but I knew the real cause . I was grateful to Hashem to be behind me. During my last 6 fall in lust , I noticed that HaShem is away from me as fast as I him , ie I chutais but nothing happened to me - superficially . I was wrong without wanting to teshuva , and the ways opened before me. Logic. Today , I was ill , sick, but Hashem made me kick this huge hassle to wake me .
What is my problem?
I had not totally renounced lust , I wanted to keep a few drinks for me. Besides, my filters were crackable , my attitude was tangent. I kept inside me thought that " when it will not , there is at least relaxation of lust ."
The big crash made me realize one thing: lust was bad for me, destroyed me , made me miserable , and most importantly, I was so much better without it, so ....
Change tactics: I decided to work alone. Anyway, I have trouble with the 12 steps in their traditional pattern . I do not have a physical group where I live, did not appreciate telephone groups , and have never been able to adhere to calling someone when it will not . However, I recognize my serious level of dependence , far beyond most people GYE . But I think I can make my 12 steps otherwise, with Hashem, and this forum I have not used enough . Also with the Garden of Faith Rav Arush ( thank you David26 any good book, what a change! ) .
Honesty: I admit that I did not want to change , so I really put in place all necessary filters , TV included ;
Obsession: I refuse it becomes an obsession , I must keep my eyes , but can not refuse any outing with my wife on the grounds that there would be a trigger , and the obsession is harmful to me , that's why I do not want to group .
TAPSIH : if the desire comes, I called Hashem , I read a file Hizouk on my phone , if I'm in the street , I look and do something else ( musique. .. ) at home or at work, I told myself that I will go to the forum 10 minutes and it will be my call
12 STEPS, 90 days program in 12 weeks, I will work every night stage of the week, with the introspection of thought recommended by Rav Arush in the garden of faith. I will take each event as required Rav Arush, with a true and sincere faith. I try and avoid the discontent that is at the origin of desire and lust. I will study more regularly. I live my life more fully.
Since I had two or three good times a fortnight. The "fall" seemed every time cause enough "physical", so much so that I wonder if I will not see a doctor to see if there is a drug for that. But I have a real hope that my own program of 12 steps, with you my forum friends to help me, will work this time.
bh
