Try to have a seder in some form of Limud HaTorah and strongly consider going to Minyan three times a day as well.

Studying for the MCATs is time and pressure ridden. Yet, try to connect to HaShem Yisborah in the most basic ways-how about gouing to minyan and having some sort of daily seder in some form of Limud HaTorah.

Hey everyone, thanks so much for the responses. It's been a rough couple of days. the past 2 weeks have honestly been some of the hardest i've ever faced. already growing a lot. hard swallowing this pill but i know the medicine is vital to my health.

I got closure recently from the girl i was dating, asking her point blank if she would consider revisiting in the future. the answer was no. there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship that i can't go into but most fundamentally, it made me realize how much i need to improve my self esteem.

yes, getting out my room, away from the computer, seeing friends working out regualrly are all vital to my mental health. even MCAT seems to be helping, making me feel more responsible and worthy of love.

i've been in a good place overall, lots of ups and downs and lots of growth. just trying to figure out everything. i like coming here for feedback. i like coming to GYE for support. I like coming here to vent my thoughts too.

its just hard sometimes because i am in my mid 20s and have little physicality in my life. its not about the lust but about the deep emotional connection that i crave. i dont want to be dependent on a girl to make me feel loved but i also know that so much of this runs too deep to dismiss as simply a weakness that i need to overcome. i believe lonliness is a fundamental human experience and that sexuality is a way of helping to overcome it by building strong bridges between people. i want healthy bridges though

the internet doesn't give me that. neither does my szl. i want something meaningful and fulfilling where both partners are completely invested. i want to be married and love someone unconditionally. i gave this girl everything i had to offer and it was just so hard that she couldn't love me back. i mamish tried to give her everything but it didnt' work. so im doing my best to not feel rejected and to not be alone. working towards emotional health and if that means sobriety then so be it

You gave her everything you had. That is often the sign of a very giving and loving person.

But I want to sincerely ask you if you gave her some things of yours that she did not want to be given? Like guilt? Do you feel that you may have stoked feelings of guilt over leaving the relationship or over her not being able to 'love you back'?

The reason i ask is that 'being loved back' is a code phrase for me. It implies that love is not being approached as a gift, but as a result of the payments of the other person. Being on the 'non-receiving' end can be very painful - to be paying so much to another person...and they are not paying me back!! It can feel like being cheated.

But do you see where I am going with all this? I am not blaming you at all, but shining a light on what we all do at one time or another: expect other people to see and feel our feelings because we think we deserve it.

You are so right about the porn connection to this: the naked woman in the porn smiles at us all the time, she lets us in, she always wants us and appreciates us just for having male parts. Wow! What unconditional love!!

I get it, lived it, could live it again, c"v. But I am sober today and grateful for a good life that you can have too. But entitlements do not fit in at all. They kill this life.

So I am sharing that w you, and I hope you hear me in the loving spirit this was intended.

I think you make many great points (as ussual) dov. I never gave her guilt throughout the relationship. I never asked for anything. All I ever wanted was support and occasional compliments. I tried expressing that to her in a very healthy, non-threatening/guilting way. She couldn't bring herself to do it.

After the relationship ended, I told her how that made me feel and asked that she not do it to others in the future. I told her that men need that and its not just us being weak - its us being human.

I don't think it is a high level to expect the girl you are looking to marry to understand this fundamental feeling of being unloved. I really didn't ever get compliments. I always felt judged. I always felt like she was trying to chance me and it was usually done in a critical way. I never came across hard about it - ever. I gave to her in ways I didn't know I was capable. And she still broke my heart. The truth is though, I had to twist her arm for her to break up with me. I asked her to look me in the eyes. I said "somethings missing". she denied it. I said "X I see it". I had to because she deserves someone who completes her and I deserve someone who appreciates me for who I am.

so I understand that feeling that someone should feel entitled. I gave becasue it made me feel good to give. But eventually, I realized that my giving was unappreciated and that killed all the meaning in my giving. So I gave MORE. And still felt unappreciated.

The whole thing was wrong. And I loved her with all my heart.

I'd do anything for her and she couldn't bring herself to invest. not commit, invest.

So... I gue

I don't expect anyone to understand the situation. I'm not only trying to be defensive Dov. I just dont know exactly what more I could have done. I know there were times where I wronged her. I can't take them back but instead I'm working on myself. I know I'll never get her back. Its never gonna happen.

I've gained a lot from this relationship and have made real changes in my life. I'm doing my best to put them all into practice, without her still looking over my shoulder.

Things I'm working on to make me a well-rounded adult
- connecting to G-d
- time management
-taking responsibility for my actions
- keeping my word
-always being completely honest
- adhering to social norms
- caring about how I present myself

At the risk of sounding very trite, the relationship just wasn't what you thought it would lead to. I would suggest that if at all possible, that if and when you B'Ezras HaShem are accepted for medical or dental school, that you consider deferring your entrance, and consider taking a year off and learn somewhere where your Avodas HaShem and Shmiras HaMitzvos can grow, possibly meet your Basherte, get married and then go to medical school. Getting thru med school, internship and residency by yourself will put you at .risk for sliding downward and backwards

I'm trying to understand why it would be suggested to take a year off with no structure, as opposed to enrolling in a program. How would that make matters better?

Enrolling in a yeshiva with a structured program was what I meant. Sorry for the lack of clarity.

Thanks so much for the tip. truth is, that's already what I'm doing. I'm enrolled in yeshiva for this year and next, making it my 2nd gap year so i can get semicha.

Spoke with GF for last time last night. completely no more contact. really painful. hard to understand exactly where to move from here. feeling like garbage so trying to keep busy.

ending up feeling sorry for myself today and spent WAY too long in my room alone. talk about stupid. Ending up being MZL 3 times - without looking at explicit material.

I feel so stupid and like such an idiot. I have absolutely everything available to me at my fingertips and I'm throwing it all down the garbage. What the heck am I doing with my life? What am I working towards? Where am I supposed to go from here?

More recently, i've started to think about being sexually active with others. I'm nowhere near acting on it but am disturbed by my thoughts of really fantasizing about it.

I've never been with a girl and I'm way too old for celibacy and shomer negiah. It's just getting crazy. I know that a girl won't fix my problem - at all. I know that she may make recovery even harder, bringing her into the picture with lust still on my mind. I wanna get better before getting into another relationship but am having a really hard time picking myself up after this last one which lasted for nearly 7 months.

could really use any chizuk you'd be willing to throw my way. Need to reach out to others more

confidence wrote:


1) Tischazek! IY"H things will get better!

2) How are you going to reach out to others more? Is that just a wish or something you plan to do?

I'm trying to work out with at least one friend of mine every day, I'm going to shiur regularly, I'm trying to study outside of my room and I'm trying to be with others for most of shabbas.

Thanks for getting me to concretize my plan.

So my neder to obstain from M and P is about to end. I made it through and am thinking about making another to get me through another day. Part of me is making excuses that if I'd just get my fix I could move on with my day. I was less efficient today without my fix. I guess its hard to justify the fix in the long run. I just can't believe that it is supposed to get better, that i'll ever be free of these demons, that i'll regain complete control. on a twisted level, its almost better to just give in and move forward. could having split personalities really be so bad? I know that its driven me away from who I want to become. its hurt me with terrible guilt. it's broken me down. but maybe i shouldn't feel guilty. maybe i should accept my nature and move forward. if we are really living for sobriety one day at a time, is it really so terrible to get our lust over with and live like normal people? I'm pretty confused right now.

I guess this kinda goes back to the line between addict and 'normal.' I know my sexual tendencies border on addictive. I've taken studies to suggest that is the case. But should i try and tame these desires or accept them and move forward. Have they hurt others so badly or do they inhibit my ability to accomplish my life's purpose? Sometimes I think yes.

Maybe I couldve finished school faster. maybe I could've been happier. maybe i would've already gotten married. maybe my self esteem wouldn't be in the trash. maybe i would have a life outside of the internet, with more friends, more accomplishments, more good deeds. maybe the thought of being alone wouldn't be so scary. maybe the fear of acceptance wouldn't plague me as I walk past a mirror or see my friends and their achievements.

Maybe I should take another neder. just one step closer to sobriety

confidence wrote:


Dear confidence,

None of what I wrote here is meant to be disparaging c"v, but I just could not figure out how to phrase it in a sweeter way, so please bear with me:

Gevalt. You said it all so well. Read it, man. You spent 7 months wasting yourself into another person - just for the gamble of being appreciated? By whom? No wonder wasting sperm feels like the natural thing to do, now.

As you put it so well, the whole thing was wrong - from the start.

So my sincere wish for you is to never again tolerate - let alone aim for - a relationship in which all you would get is "support and occasional compliments". Especially with a woman. To never settle, even for a day - let alone for 7 months! - for a relationship in which you are selflessly throwing all your stuff over a blind wall...onto someone else's property who really doesn't want it, anyway. What a waste of self painted as 'giving'.

How could you sell yourself so cheaply? You are a good and important man - not a faucet to pour yourself into a person who is like drain running to nowhere. Even if your goal had succeeded and she gave you what you wanted: How's that right? 7 months is a long time for anyone to give, give, and give for practically nothing of real value. The fact that you tolerated it for so long means something is not right with your sense of self-value.

Who was this girl - a goddess of some kind? Not a very good one, apparently. Sure, it's very fine and nice to give selflessly...but a marriage, that does not make. Nor any relationship, at all. 'Relationship' means each party shares valuable things with the other for a commonly shared purpose, whatever it may be.

Instead, here she did not need you - just your presence. As in her, "Oh...please don't leave..." Yet you needed her - to accept your blood with a warm smile.

Unless I am terribly missing the boat here, I suggest that you have a hole in your sense of self-value. Jim Croche had a very poignant song titled, "Lovers Cross", about this issue...whatever...I guess I just lost the yeshivish crowd...

No one has rights to your blood, chaver. Not your children, not the woman you end up marrying. No one. 'Chayecho kodmin' is not selfishness, at all - it is just the most basic level of self esteem. A healthy sense of self is good! If you do not have that, you cannot really give, anyhow...for everything you have is really up for grabs to the lowest bidder!

When you know that you really bring things of real value to the table, you will not put up with nahrishkeit like a woman who gives you 'support and compliments' in exchange for your very life. Payment - no matter how valuable - is not a real relationship.

Love is based on you just being yourself and attracting a person who wants you for who you are and demonstrates that by naturally giving her life to you. You two share yourselves with each other. Another person wanting to do for you and to give to you, is itself the greatest 'compliment and support'!

(And incidentally giving her sex isn't what it's about - but rather giving of her self. When sex is given as a natural part of giving of self, it has value and is great. But when it is given outside of self as a service - it is nahrishkeit. It doesn't matter if it is labelled or thought of as 'a mitzvah' by either or both parties. If it is payment or goal-directed, it is cheap. Any woman can give her sex to anyone, really. Only a woman sharing her life with her man gives her sex as a demonstration and symptom of the fact that she shares her self with him day in and day out.)

So don't sell yourself so cheaply, and maybe your sperm will more easily stay where it is best bestowed, in the meantime.

SIB101854 wrote:


It seems to me that you are implying that being married will make it easier for this guy - or for anyone - to stay clean. There may be cases of that, but I suggest they are rare. And having a kosher place to put our sperm is not a solution for anything, really. If not sinning is the entire issue, here, then I understand that view, cuz it's certainly not a sin to put sperm into a wife, true...I wonder how women feel about that. And I wonder how ill jewish women have become to see themselves as kosher sperm receptacles to 'keep the kedushas haBris' of their sex-hungry husbands.

Certainly for the addicts, marriage is a fiasco for two people (or more, if there are children). And for the non-addicts it is a cop-out, at best.

If you sincerely believe that anything at all is worth it to save some sperm, then I hear the logic of such a cheshbon. I just find it unacceptable that Hashem would want us to take 'any port in a storm'. Too much pain has been found down that road for too many children, wives, and sex-minded husbands like I was. We rather liked the idea of getting sex and pretending it was to 'keep the bris', didn't we?

G-d help us all.

Sorry if I am coming on too strongly, here. I'm really tired and it's late. If anyone thinks I I being nasty here, please tell me and I'll delete this.