LEARNING wrote:

To me it just sounds like an addict. If you feel like a hypocrite then you clearly expected to be clean. That means that you are feeling in control. Are you or not?

I read the following in the AA book this morning:

A man of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous
in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He
was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he
drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. He made up his mind
that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not
touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five
years, and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a successful and happy business
career. Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has—
that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink
as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was
in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust
man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly, and was dead within four years.

This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we
remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally.But here
is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty.
We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: ”once an alcoholic, always
an alcoholic.“ Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in
a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be
no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be
immune to alcohol.

May HaShem grant us a day of sobriety, sanity and serenity.

Hey Brother - we're here with, and for, you... remember that this YH is mightier than any of us... to fight him head-on is to lose. I find that I have to ask (beg? plead with?) Hashem that I not *want* to lust and then try to go from there.

We're glad you're here - to quote others here, KOT!

Day 2 (+16+8+5)

Thx for all the support guys. I was not able to post yesterday the site was down. Luckily, I was still able to stay clean. Both today and yesterday, i had a tough time holding myself back in the shower.
In order to run away from the YH, I used a method I read in a chizuk email. This method is to address the yetzer hara as an external being in the room with you. "I know you're here, but you're not gonna win this fight"
I don't remember who, but a great tzadik used this method in his day.
Thank Hashem I read this tip. It really works miracles for me.
It also wakes me up for just that moment, and thats all I need!

WOOOHOOO!!! KUTGW!!!

Just an idea, why not try the same idea, with Hashem. It's much nicer to talk to Him than to the YH, if you ask me. Talk to Him as if he is an external in the room "I know you're here, and listening to what I am saying, I cannot deal with this, only you can"

It works wonders for me.

KOMT!!!
and PKOP!!!!

Sorry I was not able to post for a while. First I didn't have internet for a day, then I went out of town.
I unfortunatly had a fall, because I went really out of control over shbbat, and was not able to guard my eyes.
From now on, I will post on this forum every time before I take a shower and try to show with something covering me bli neder.

What happened on Shabbos that made you lose control?

Shabbos is the most wonderful day of the week, especially with the davening, seudos, guests and enhanced time for learning. If you don't take advantage of Shabbos -it can feel like 25 hours of down time and utter boredom, which can lead you to a craving for masturbation and porn-especially in the summer.

Day 1 (+8+16+5):

The reason I wasn't feeling normal on shabbat was because I went on a shabbaton. Normally, I do take Shabbat and use it to get stronger.

I'm about to go to the shower, but I just looked at something not so appropriate. I feel like I can make it through because I just need to survive today. Wish me luck!

Day 2 (+8+16+5)

So I think that as my day gets less full of shcmutz, the less I feel like giving up in the shower.
I just take the shower one SECOND at a time. I am also trying to dave one word at a time. I used to be a stronger diviner, but I never got back to that level. If I do I will be much stronger, and feel like Hashem is literally by my side

Instead of (+8+16+5), I would just write (+29). Beside that fact that it will take you less time to write it, it is important to realize that each one is not a separate event. The effects are cumulative, and if you are committed to stop it will get easier as you go forward.

It will not necessarily get easier. It depends.

If he earnestly works an effective recovery program (whatever that might be is for him to find) and is committed to stop, not just wish that he wanted to stop, then it will get easier. I firmly believe that recovery is possible for all. Each person has the process they have to go through, and it may take time to find the right steps for you, but success with the help of Hashem is possible. Success by definition means it gets easier, because it is never gone. Lust will never go away until after 120 years and we are firmly buried in the ground. In a successful recovery program we learn to avoid lust and triggers and therefore it gets easier.

Now stop being a wet blanket.
P.S. Where does that phrase come from "wet blanket"?

Day 3 (+8+5+16)

Thx for the advice, but I want the numbers to be separate becuase I wasn't clean for 29 days. I need to know that each time I had to start over. ALso, this gives me some incentive not to fall!
I don't want to write a line of numbers. But If doing that reminds me of the times I fell, so be it.

JUst had a fall:(
I know exactly why:
1) I was imagining what it would be like to fall this morning
this occcured becuase yesterday I went on some really risky websites
2) There is always a part of me telling me that I will never be clean for real. I NEED To DESTROY THIS VOICE

I have upgraded my taphsic method. I will daven harder. I will post more. I will stop using the internet for stupid (and I know it) stuff. I will stop talking to people who are almost as addicted as me (but don't know or dont mind).
AND then I know I will survive

I will ponder on this fall more and let u guys know how I feel.
I won't ever give up

I know how you feel. When I first really started being clean, in the back of my mind was always: "This is great, but I know I will fall soon. I can't go this many days without masturbating."

The key is to not worry about being clean for real, it is about being clan for today. If those websites are borderline shut it off, and most important, if you start thinking about falling CLOSE THAT DOWN RIGHT AWAY. The less time you think and about falling the less you will be thinking about it. And that is always a good thing.