Life is better without p**n. Trust me, I have firsthand experience. I only realize this after a fall though (like right know). The growth that occurs with each fall is very clear however, and I thank Hashem for that. I can see that I don’t want to fall anymore. It’s just a part of me now. This is bad because it shows how addicted I am, but at the same time good because deep down even while I’m doing a sin, I know that it is wrong. I just don’t have the guts to fight that need. The Yetzer hara takes me and I forget that I have the key to wiggle out: Hashem. I just forget.
The Yetzer Hara also makes me “forget” AKA avoid posting on GYE. “It’s not necessary,” he tells me, “you have better things to do.” I buy into it thinking that not wasting time on GYE is the right thing to do. The only way to keep it real and not fall into these traps is to stay consistent. Davening is a must. But I need to daven for the right stuff. When I do what I am supposed to, I remain clean! I feel the growth, and am able to enjoy life.
I know that I should not expect too much from myself. That’s when selfishness and lack of God begins to creep in. ONE STEP AT A TIME. The hard part is figuring out how big of a step to take. Right now I am in high school. Although it is a religious all boys high school, a lot of my friends have just as much of a problem in these areas as I do. Nobody openly talks about it. We joke around about it. Its just a part of life to some of them. I belive that I get hurt when I see how little they care. The worst part is, I do not really know what to do to help them. I cannot scream at them or tell them what they are doing is ruining everything. They know that. Plus, that would make me a hypocrite. In today’s world, living a normal life involving movies, smartphones, and the internet all over is bound to lead to a lust addiction! Those who fight p**nography are the minority, and that’s what makes it so tough.
So what is expected of me? I have problems in this area. I know that God whould not have given them to me if I couldn’t defeat them. At the same time, there is no way that I could just stop. And that’s why I guess that it’s OK that I fell. What’s not OK is the way that I did it. I’m sneaky. I hide it. I’m a liar. That’s what’s killing me. I think that if that high that one gets when they “get away with it” is the true problem. I was told something of the sorts by a therapist when I was younger (my parents caught me doing some dumb stuff.)
Please let me know if you agree or disagree. I need you guys!