I've had bein hazmanims that were blah and depressing, and some that were fulfilling relaxing and fun.The difference was simply having a schedule and keeping it.Making a bedtime and wake up time and sticking to them.Even if the whole day is empty, make a time to get up and daven with minyan then breakfast, and learn something.The rest of the day seems to fill itself.
I can't say hat I always do it but when I do it's way better.

How was yomtov?

sept 25, day 16

haven't posted in a while, ik. maybe lack of motivation, maybe a bunch of things. hasent been the greatest yom tov. family issues, bordem, general depression and feelings of hopelessness. nothing out of the ordinary xD. but ya, and some how im still clean. ive had a few urges, usually just not thinking and old habits, like in the bathroom and such. trying to not star at women and such. not easy, idk. its silly but its hard. i dont like that i do it. but ya. not really sure whats going to be, my life is in a limbo state right now, and im just holding on for dear life i feel. i some time feel like why work on this when even wen im "succeding" so far im still not happy. i always thought when i would get this under controll id be ok, id be set for a while, but im still feeling bluch.

yay another ramble. o well

chag sameach

Keep hanging on you're doing great.

inastruggle wrote:


And your life is not in limbo, you are actively breaking a bad habit, "yoshav velo ovar aveira, nosnim lo sachar keilu oso mitzva" is very applicable in this case when the opportunity to do an aveira keeps coming up and you refrain, true it doesn't have the same "rush" and excitement as going out and doing a huge mitzvah, but is just as special if not more!

Kutgw!

oct 14, day who cares

dear diary,

long story short i fell. duh. was inevitable right? something you have been doign for 14 years andf all the sudden " done, no more" totalt BS. and me deluding my self to think i could just stop was stupid and foolish of me. so ya, i have fallen, and havent really gotten back up yet. and the exact thing i new would happen happened. i didnt go on to this site, i stoped posting, felt like shiest. its funny, but i still havent looked at "porn" yet but i have done pretty close. i dont even need porn to masterbate so dont really matter. porn isnt the issue, its a convenience if anything, makes it go quicker so i can get back to my life. HAPPY? I FELL? WOOHOO, ppl taking bets can cash in. just another guy on this forum who was delusional and fell and is back to square one. so now what? admit im an addict, join an SA group, dont get married bc chas vishalom i should put a girl through this right? well sorry but i dont have the emunah or bitachon to put my life on hold and just ship my self of to addict land. it doesnt make sense, i dont feel it, its not going to happen. call me delusional if u want. i dont care. only reason im even posting is bc i do want to stop and even if i have no idea or any one to help me in a normal manner, i can still frekin try. even if i know trying is stupid and make no sense and i know deep down i cant stop on my own, i need god blah blah blah.

story of my freeeeekin life. i NEED to have a melt down and i dont have the time to do it. way to much going on and going for me. have to apply to grad school, im dating, learning, blah blah blah. when on the inside im just about to EXPLODE


wow i cant deal with this now. plz dont reply if u have something negative.
god if your listening, (which you are) hear me out. maybe im not ready to play ball liek evry1 here say i should, but i wana change, and even though right now i dont have the bitachon that i can just put my life on hold and "deal" with this issue, i still want to stop and i still need ur help. ik your not going to tailor life to the way i want it exactly to be, but a little bit wouodl be nice. make it managable for me. make me be able to be happy and comfortable while im doing it. and if im not 100% comfortable, at least be able to be happy. bc my problem is that i feel like when im trying to do the right thing, even wen it hurts im suppose to be ok with bc i know deep down its for my own good. but alot of the times i dont even feel that. it just hurts and i feel stupid that im doing it. so plz make it be ok with me, even though right now i cant even conceive how it could, make it so

SO FOR ALL YOU PPL WHO WANA HELP

how the heck do i SURRENDER MY LUST TO HASHEM? i honesly have been thinking about thisa thing for like 2 months and have no idea what it means. and no im not going to an SA meeting, so dont bother suggestiong it. ill read or listen to what even. thoughs r my terms deal with it.

If you were waiting for a meltdown, sounds to me like you got it right there!...

Now, pick yourself up and look around, take your time to read through the material on this website, read through the discussions, and most importantly read through yourself! Try to identify your triggers (there is more than one), try to identify the "lead ups", maybe even write them down, and then you'll be a few steps ahead of the game.

I don't know if this works for everybody, but when I deal with big issues like these I use a "multi pronged" approach of trying different things at the same time. The disadvantage of this approach is that you don't really know which thing worked and which didn't, the advantage of this approach is that it has a much higher chance of success. Try as many or as little methods that you think would work for you: taphsic, 90 day chart, forum, conference calls, volunteer during free time, etc. etc. You might find that one day, one method was the thing that saved you and another day it could be something else, and with all the things together you pulled yourself out...

I don't believe anybody here is betting on other's failures (I certainly am not...), but we're all rooting for you and cheering you on (at least I speak for myself)! And remember, falling is part of growing, and failure is not falling down, it is staying down...

You can do this, bro!

I think the point of surrendering the lust is to take an action that shows that you need help. It helps when people feel the desire to sin, and they feel like no matter what they do the desire is still there. It's not an erection, it's not arousal, it's something in your head. Basically you do not want to admit that you want this. So when you say in all sincerity "Hashem, please take this because I can't give it up myself" you are taking an action which shows that you do desire it, and simultaneously you see that it's okay to desire it, because after you surrender you are still here, you didn't vaporize.

If you tried that and it doesn't do anything for you, it may be because your problem is not acceptance. Maybe you just believe that you are weak in this area, and since you don't know how to test whether you really are weak or not, it's like getting life in prison. Even if you choose not to masturbate today, you don't want to do this every day for the rest of my life. But you can get some skills to make that fear go away and have a normal day.

Do you find yourself resenting people a lot, and when you resent them you feel like doing porn? Is that a problem too or not?

RebYid, what a wonderful post. You feel that frustration, you feel that anger, that disappointment in yourself, that is good for now.
Do you want this to continue? Do you like those feelings? Are you really ready to give it up?
If you realize that you need help and that you are ready to get that help then you can begin. Now the work comes in. It takes hard work to look in the mirror and see your faults, it is not easy. I have never been to an SA meeting, but every time I struggle I take a good hard look at myself. I don't blame others for my failings. Then I try to take corrective action to move forward.

What you have to do now is pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Clear your head by staying clean and then take a good hard look at what you did wrong. What bad patterns are you falling into and then create a plan of action to get break those patterns and create new ones.

Like smiley said, look around. We are here to help. We want you to succeed. Use the site, use the people, use anything you can to figure out how to get better. This is the rest of your life we are talking about.

wow, im not even sure what to say.... thnk u evry1 who reads my post, it means the world to me. im crying now, literaly

my heads shot now, im in a car driving f4om brooklyn back to baltimore from a good friends vort so i dnt hav the head to think bout thisnnow..

but thank u

to start off on a hashkafic note (bc why the heck not)

o ya, oct 27, day who cares

so ppl (usuly not afiliated jews) ask me some times what is the meaning of "hashem echad" like big woop? who cares?

so i tell them that if you think that, then you don't really understand what it means

hashem echad means (at least to me) that hashem runs the world in a way that everything that happens, everything that exist in this world, is connected. like a big tapestry, and the events, and things in this world are the threads. when we look at this world and see patterns, see consistencies with how the world works, its just an illustration of hashems handy work. it all makes sense, even if we cant see it. so my approach to life is to find the patterns, to analyse life to find out how it makes sense, so i can better appreciate hashem.
when mashiach comes, besides the obvious pluses being that it will end war, strife, pain, and all evil in general, the world will finally reach its perfection in a global, historical sense, by the token that the entire world will come to the realization that hashem is the one in the driver seat, orchestrating every single aspect of the world, large and small. this, says the ramchal in daas tevunos, is the second purpose of the world, to be megale the yichus of hashem (the first being to be lisaneg all hashem)

so why am i righting this you might ask, besides the obvious geshmakeness of the vort? because i just for the first time looked at my original post, where i stated i would post every day so i would be able to see my progress. so besides for utterly failing at that last part, I see why i wanted to do so. by posting everyday, i could begin to see a pattern in my struggle. i would be able to see the connection to my struggle and the feelings that come with it. by looking for the patterns in life, we can come to a greater awareness of the reasons behind things. So with the new found awareness, i now plan to right something eveyrday, reguarldless if i have anything important to say. just to keep track of my self.

so whats been up ? well nothing to crazy. dating, falling, getting used to yeshiva, the usual. made it a week bout aweek ago, but didnt work out. not suprised. but well keep at it. lost sight of my goal for a bit, go back into the swing of falling so to speek but gona go back to the day at a time thing. see how that goes

again, trying to stay positive, having negative thoughs resently. am i good enough to get married? can i be loved? yadayada its all bs but its real at the time. so just gona stay positive and take it one day at a time

thats all i have to say for now. hatzlacha to yall

daven for me if you wana help

dovid nosson ben meira, give tzedfaka, say tehilim, w/e u desire. id apreciate it and i will daven for yall 2.

(daven that i should do better bout davening, mornings still causing me trouble xD)

peace rabosai

hey guys

just cheking in. im still in a rut, gona try to make it better tommoro. im having trouble taking it 1 day at a time. i wish i had consistency but i dnt so till i do ill hav to live with one day at a time.
got dumped again. dateing is so hard, just not knowing when you will finaly find her and trying to live while in this state of waiting is so hard. i just need to find that emunah that everything will work out and it will be ok. god i wish ppl would just tell me that. i dnt need answers. i want answers, but i need suppport and chizuk. i dnt have a problem, i have obsticles in my way that i need to deal with, . very hard obsticles but thats all they r, obsticles. i will make it, and no1 will tell me otherwise.

hatzlacha to u all

dave

RebYid90 wrote:


I think you want to remind yourself that everything will probably be okay even if everything doesn't work out. In other words, it would not be terrible if your hopes don't pan out (the central thinking error of an addict, btw.)

Hashem set up the world so that there are lots of different paths through it. With regard to dating, even though it makes sense that there should be a person who is chosen just for you, this idea should have no bearing on your behavior, so remind yourself not to think about that. You will never actually know if you married your chosen one or not. How would you test if you are right?

Let's say you don't marry your chosen mate. What then? Is this a reason that the marriage should not go well? Definitely not. If you live by the Torah your marriage can definitely succeed.

Let's say you do find your chosen mate. What then? Is this a guarantee that your marriage will succeed? Definitely not. If you don't live by the Torah your marriage can fail.

So you can marry someone who is not "the chosen one" and still do great.

In your dating you may want to focus on the process rather than the goal. Make up your mind that success in dating is a) dressing well b) being on time c) asking good questions d) being honest, etc. (or whatever you want the criteria to be.) If you can check off all those items, you succeeded. And it's normal to date a lot, so every time a date does not result in an engagement that is good too. You are one step closer to finding the right match.

When I was dating one of my main goals was to get a good meal, so if we didn't hit it off, it was still worth it. But you may be on a higher madreiga

RebYid90 wrote:


Hey Dave!!! I don't rememebr seeing you in a while!!

RebYid90 wrote:


Can I ask the obvious question, Why not try making it bettter today??

RebYid90 wrote:


I can only tell you my experience, and that is that One day at a time is all I take, because that's all I have, I only have right now! I don't have tomorrow, so I can't take it. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of fact.

RebYid90 wrote:


I can relate to the pain of waiting and not knowing what is going happen, how it will play out (not with dating, as I got married after a few sit-ins, but with other things). We are Human, and part of what is built into us is to want to feel in control, it's normal. So when situations arise where we have to admit that we are not in control, we get out of shape a little. I have found that when I validate those feelings (I do it in a converstion with Hashem usually) and tell them that I don't run the world and Hashem will do what He knows is best for me, and I needn't worry, they usually agree with me, and settle down.

I would also like to share, that after many times of talking and hearing things from people, I found out that the only one who can tell me something, is myself. others can lead me to what to tell myself, but ultimately it has to be me telling myself that Hashem will do what is best for me, and that I can relax.

We're all here with you!! KOT!!!

and Hatzlacha in everything else!

ok ok ok, holy moshies!

so im ssitting in starbux, goofing around on my comp, starting to feel real down (i fell this morning) and thinking negative thoughts. then this very unstnius lady puts her stuff down at the table nxt to me and goes to the bathroom. so im freaking out bc if she comes back ima fall again, so how i hav no idea, i get up and just leave, but i hav to put away my laptop and it was takeing to long, and i can hear her about to come out, and i just ,idk if i did, but i pray just get me the heck out,.....and i made it out w/o even seeing her come back. like woow. no words to say. im besides my self. then omw to my car, another lady parks, and i look for a sec but my yamak flys off, i catch it and then i look bck and shes gone.

so in light of this, i would like to take this time to thank hashem for being with me. I could not have done it with out you.
ive changed my personal teffilos recently from they way they hav been. i used to just beg and beg for this and that, for this to work out, yadayada. but recently, i just ask that hashem should be with me. that he make me feel like were close, like hes by my side. so ik i havent been clean for so long, but this i know. god loves me and hes with me.

so to all you out ther who are like me. who hate stories of people who hav good things happen to them. who think "mazeltov, god helped u. how does that hlp me? weres my help?" i feel ur pain so much. but i guess all that i can say is that even if u dnt feel the connection, u hav to be open for wen it comes, bc it will, not bc it just happened 2 me, but bc god luvs us, so it will happen. its just fact. u have to stay strong, take it one minute at a time, and be your own best friend, bc god thniks ur worth it, i think ur worth it, and evry1 hre thinks your worth it.
may hashem bless u and keep you, may hashem cause his spirit to shine upon you and be gracous onto you. and may hashem show his spirit to you, and grant you peace.

Luv u all with all my heart,

Dave

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KUTGW!!!!!!!!!!!! KOMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!