Long-time addict, have barely gone a day in 15 years without masturbating. I have only had one 35-day stretch a couple of years ago, and there is no reason I cannot at least replicate that streak, right? I don't know if I can, though; the emotional pain of trying again is almost to much to bear...but I have to try for the sake of my wife and children. If I can do this, virtually anyone can, but I don't know if I can. Anyway, today is my first day, Tuesday, August 20, 2013.

P.S. My screen name is true, but I won't give any more details for obvious reasons.

welcome
what have you done in the past to stop? what are you doing now? What is your primary reason to stop? why is it so painful?

your statement that if you can stop anybody can smells of some type of haughtiness; not sure what it is. perhaps nothing.

whatever, tell us about your issues and your intentions, and people here will try to help.

b'hatzlachah

Haughtiness or Low self-esteem? I don't know. I think I'm just verbalizing a feeling that many addicts have; after all, our own addictions are the only ones we know personally, and they feel overwhelming.

The real reason I seriously believe that It will be particularly difficult for me to stop is that I have very little self-control in many areas of my life, even with seemingly easy things like waiting to get somewhere to wash before eating a bagel.

I have tried to stop countless times, usually lasting a day or two, but once, about 2 years ago, I was successful for 35 days.
I am desperate to stop because I don't want to hurt my wife and family. My behaviors are getting out of control, i.e. looking at things in places where I am at risk of being caught by family members.

Regarding the question of "why is it so painful," I am already quite numb, I used to cry a lot when I was younger, but I just seem to have lost that ability. I guess the pain is bottled up somewhere, but I bet at some point, if I keep posting here and sharing, I'll probably cry like a baby.

we know somewhat our own addictions
we certainly do not know others

I am no expert, but feeling that you have no self-control is a good start

step 1 of the 12 steps (although I don't understand it fully) is realizing that we ourselves do not have the ability to kreech out of the problem

your # 1 concern being your wife and family finding out might not be the greatest thing, for theoretically, if you can find a way to act out where nobody will see, that would be ideal

keep talking here
it will help you
and others will chime in as well

don't forget: we are all here for the same reason; some are in different stages than others

b'hatzlachah

What was going on two years ago when you were able to go 35 days without the stuff?

What methods did you use then?

Welcome RYS,

My name is Eli. I feel your pain as you I read your words because I too felt like I have had no control over myself in many areas of life. Finances, lust, ruchnios etc.

Often an addicts life will spiral to a point where so many things are directly or indirectly affected. For example: someone who calls phone sex line for an hour a day (or more...whatever) will find their finances stressed. If they patronize expensive prostitutes it will be even worse. I'm not saying that's what your issue is but you can see how the addict in can lead to other issues.

As Cordnoy said, stopped becasue your scared that you will get caught only works if you think that you willget caught. when we have a ta'ava for something, our minds are awfully good at convincing us that we wont get caught... but then we do (I've been caught too many times and it didn't stop me in the long run)

That being said the first thing you need to do is stop. Regardless why you are stopping. You can work on the correct attitude as you go along. Rabbeinu Yonah says that someone who is "adduk in cheit " need to do azivas hacheit first.

So why did I stop?

Because I really wanted to stop and was willing to do the things necessary for me to stop.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Day 2.

So far, so good.

I find that that first second are crucial; if I can divert your mind and attention right away, it's possible. If I don't, I am toast; complete and utter, burned-to-crisp-toast.

One of my biggest triggers is frustration; I think that the fact that I am the son of very successful parents has made me into a perfectionist, and even doing things very well is not enough. This, paradoxically, causes me to give up on myself in so many areas in life because even though I'm doing well I fell like I'm failing.

Perfectionism seems to be a common problem around here. We tell ourselves that if we can't be perfect we may as well not even try. And the stress of trying to "measure up" makes us look for some escape, and we found it you-know-where.

But Hashem does not expect us to be our father or our brother. He just wants us to be the person He made US to be.

Welcome aboard, Hatzlacha and KOMT!

Day 3.

Going well.

I am an Addict; I hope I can keep my addiction at bay for today.
I am always going to be an addict till the day I die.
One day at a time.

I don't think I have ever acknowledged that "out loud"

Dear RYS,
You might be RYS, but we are all children of the RBS"O, and the Avos Hakedoshim so this addiction is no less becoming for you than it is for all of us struggling. When we all say that we feel your pain, you can be quite sure that we really do. Not a day goes by that i don't cry in my heart about where I am holding in Ruchniyus. The YH lets us cry and then comes to get us again. And we follow him like a zombie thinking that there is no use in fighting since we will succumb anyway. That is so sad for everyone, knowing what we are doing is bad harmful and lethal yet SEEMINGLY powerless to stop.
Truth is, we are not powerless, for in the many years of struggling (46 for me) I have learnt so many eitzos that do not work, I have ruled out many plans that meet with failure...that's why we are here.
Here we meet people like Dov who are clean for many more years than we can imagine..but once upon a time they were helpless just like us. Just like Yisro, they ruled out many life plans, religions, gods and eventually found HKBH. Yisro became so clear in his Emunah that he was the only person the RBS"O would trust to cleanse Yericho from its Tumah, and he was given Yericho.
I sometimes feel that these inspiring people on GYE are just like Yisro who struggled through all the shmutz to discover the clarity they needed to help guide us seekers to sanity and purity.
At first I resisted following their plan and advice, telling myself, "I am not an addict!" but you know something, I am. I have proven it over and over again in my years. I still prove it as you can see from my chart status which goes up and down.
BUT..I now have a plan and so do you. You found this holy place.
Please get yourself a partner, join a phone conference and open up a bit. It really helps. It took me 6 weeks to be able to make a phone call, i was so afraid to be discovered, but the RBS"O discovered me already and the slight embarrassment of speaking to someone should be my Kaporah to avoid the "Oy Loy LeOso Busha, Oy Loy L'osoy Klimah" that i am petrified of.
I am a magid shiur, a shver of talmidei chachomim, looking to marry off more daughters to talmidei chachamin, I tumul in learning with my boys every day. I shudder to imagine the disaster I and my entire family would face if I was discovered. But i shudder even more to think about the disaster we all would face if i let this disease continue and progress.
Yes, it would be uncomfortable if my talmidim, wife, children, friends etc. found out i was really working on myself, but not nearly as bad as if they found me with porn or any other davar Shebervah.
Why am i picking on you? I am really just talking to myself but sharing my feelings with you because you are the closest to me on the 90 day chart with a link to your forum. I want to have a chavrusah to climb the 90 day chart who I can communicate with to be mechazek each other on this journey. We can use anonymous email accounts and even speak on the telephone if you are able to get over the fear..(it took me 6 weeks to agree to my first phone call and of course i blocked my number because i was so afraid)
When we reach 90 together, we can celebrate together our achievements. I think this simcha will be greater for me than a siyum mesechta and will be difficult to contain in my heart.
Just my thoughts...you don't even have to respond if you don't feel like it.
I just want you to know i truly care for you and feel your pain!!

if he doesn't accept, I will be glad to
we have many similarities
shver
lookin for more
shiurim
family would be devastated

b'hatzlachah

End of 3rd day. Okay! I feel great; light, like an eagle.

But I am also scared; the first three days went by so easily, and I am sure it will get tougher. I think the newness of joining GYE might have carried me through the first stretch on a high that can't be sustained forever.

Has anyone out there ever bought a computer and thrown it out on the same day? I have. A few times. Crazy, nutty addiction.

pischoshelmachat: My heart goes out to you and to everyone else here at GYE; I wish we were in a world where we didn't have to hide behind screen-names, but alas, this is all we got at this point. I don't really think I am comfortable yet with personal correspondence, but I will be following you on GYE. I guess you are also at 3 days like me; and your probably also just getting to that point where it's gonna be really difficult to get through that first two weeks. I know the feeling; I have only made it past a week once in my life. But this time I have GYE so I think it's gonna work. I used to open the cpu to watch shmutz. Now I open it to post on GYE.

Oh, I see you are at 51 days! Nice! I am sure your avodah is a big zchus for all of us. I am proud of you. That is a great streak. Any tips?

Hi. Relax. Just remember that the choices or mistakes that you make - are only "your" choices or mistakes before it happens. Its always going forward. Once the mistake happened, you know now that it never was supposed to go ANY other way. It went exactly the way hashem wanted it to go. Now you know that it wasnt a mistake in the first place, as it was willed by the one above. He wanted that you should have that mistake happen to you. Its for your long term benefit, regardless whether you can identify what that benefit is. Review this holiest of thoughts avery single day, and SLOWLY it will seep into your heart and mind and it will open your eyes to the true non -stop goodness that is really happening to you - even during the sin itself. For more on this life saving Torah truth- you can buy R. Tzvi Meirs sefer- he has tens of pages on this.

Day 4

Still on a high.
Gonna be a good day. I can feel it.