Hi all,
Ive been struggling with porn and more pron since a few years back. As most addicts can relate, I tried all the easy things nut to no avail. I have a phone chavrusa,emails etc.
I am not willing to go to a group, however i am willing on trying a weekly journal of my struggle. I hope that I can get support this way.
My longest clean period has been one month. If I can do 3, that would be great.
Triggers for me come from all things. The other day I was looking at a video posted on facebook, which triggered me to think about my good ole habit, which lead me to porn etc.
I've never written much about my addiction, perhaps writing will clear things up a little.
Would love feedback and support.

Welcome and you've come to the right place for support

Hi.

Good luck on your journey to 90 days and more.

How are you planning on getting there besides for (the incredibly helpful step of) posting?

Thank you for your responses.
I really don't know how I plan on getting there.
All the planning in the past has failed me.
I have my phone chavrusa, whom I speak to twice a week.
I plan on posting daily ( if i get some sort of responses, which will prompt me)
My best method has been to stay positive, and not to try and be in control of my life.
I need to let go and let God. Now.
The times that I feel down or out of control, usually coincide with my need to be in control.
The issue I have is that thew triggers are so sneaky and powerful, that even if I am having a good day, the moment after next can be an awful fall.

Sounds like you already have a healthy attitude.

So step two, what do you plan on doing when the urge hits?

Sometimes a positive attitude can work against me.
When I'm too cocky, that's when the Y'H does his thing.
The urge can come when it wants, however the acting out only occurs when I'm by a unfiltered computer, which is within my control to or not to got to.
I don't really have a method. If the urge is strong enough (usually every two weeks) It will find me by a computer. no matter what.
It's those crucial moments where I need lots of help from God.

stayrein


If you can be clean right now, that would be great.

When you get to the next moment, worry about being clean then.

stayrein


Sounds like you've got a case of Negative Programming going on there.

Negative programming is when people hold onto past experiences and give themselves messages that since they behaved a certain negative way in the past, they have no choice but to act the exact same way in the future.

But the truth is that every moment, every choice, and every action is independent of the ones before it and after it.

Give yourself positive messages and you'll succeed in making the right choices in every situation.

Hatzlacha!

I think we can separate a positive attitude from being cocky.Having a positive attitude means believing we can do this (only with Hashem help of course) but by taking it one day at a time for the rest of our lives. Which means that we never actually have it beat but we can end up beating it by living the rest of our days clean.
In my experience I become cocky and take risks when i believe that i actually have it beat which simply isn't true since it's a lifelong battle.

About what you said that when the urge gets strong enough you will inevitably fall, Two things:

1)Don't let yourself think that because
a)it isn't true, even at the last second you can stop yourself.Someone posted a little while ago that he decided to give in to his urge and went to the bathroom to do it and right before he did he saw his reflection in the mirror and he decided not to give in.It's always in our power to stop.

b)(this may not be the case for you but this is the way it was for me)It's only an excuse to act out. By telling my self that it's over since i got to this point i was letting myself fall without any guilty feelings.

2)I agree with you 100% that when it reaches that stage it is extremely hard to beat.That's why we have to fight it before it reaches there and in the best case scenario avoid it completely.
We can avoid it by simply guarding our eyes and thoughts A LOT easier said than done).But even so chances are that an inappropriate thought will still enter our minds and then it's essential to beat it there before it get's any harder because as you said it can get very hard.
There are a few ways to beat it at the beginning i personally use the blow it up method,but there are many others.

So what do you think about this?

Welcome stayrein,

It's a big step to start posting, and it's a great idea to share daily, it helps a lot.

I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but i don't think you will find even one person who has been successful in recovery without getting out of their comfort zone. That doesn't necessarily mean going to meet people, but it means doing something uncomfortable, like giving something up that we "must have". Dov recently put up a nice post about getting out of the comfort zone here, it's not as long as his ussual ones.

Posting is great, but it doesn't get you out of the same type of life that you have been living until now, you're behind a nice name and no one will know who you are.

What are you willing to CHANGE in your life style? For me that is the big question.

Hatzlacha Rabbah in Staying Rein!!

Thank you skeptical for your insight. I do believe that lots of times I fell the need to go back that "great" feeling. However as soon as I start watching, I realize that its not that great. But it's too late, as I need to finish what I started. I need to be more aware of the present, and not anticipate anything.

It's important to always remember how we feel after that "great" feeling and realize that it's just not worth it.

It's never too late and one does not need to finish what was started.

Thank you skeptical It takes great maturity and insight to see ahead of the game.
Piadani, you may be right, that posting on the forum, is not the cure, but it will be the first time I am expressing my self outward, in writing. So far it has helped. If I wasn't writing now on the forum (and hoping people will listen) I would be watching a good slice or porn to satisfy my frustration of things in my life.
There is a lot that I am willing to change. Firstly, I try not to go on the computer at all, late in the day if i don't need, and if i do, it will be supervised.
Most of the change needs to take place in my head, but because its so subtle a change, its hard to really know in which direction I'm going.
Inastruggle, I do know the difference between positive and cocky Bh.
Most of the time I feel positive BH. The issue is when I get small bouts of doubt, when the lust creeps into my head. Once its there, it is very hard to get rid of. Iv'e never tried the blow up method. It seems legit to me.
It is really mind games most of the time.

I also find that if i wait enough time, things will work them selves out without my input. Why stress if God has it under control anyway.

Thanks for all your support!

stayrein wrote:


KUTGW!! (Keep Up The Good Work!!!!)

And kudos for opening up, Keep on Posting!!!

One very important attitude change that I learned here, is the "one day (moment) at a time" No worries about what was, now worries about what will be or how it will be, only now, what is the right thing NOW!

You're on the right track, that's for sure!!!

Wishing you loads of Hatzlacha!!

I actually think that posting, responding, reading and replying is an extremely positive method of improving.

it might not work all by itself, but its a very good move, and it could be for a lot of people.

it makes it that you are not alone.
if youre looking for chizuk, you get it.
you sometimes are forced to think and to respond.
some of the "older timers" say that its not regarded as a step (or something close to that). it might depend on that as well.
might depend on if one is a true addict or not.