Good work rebbe!
keep on keeping on

(just for the record, o-r is not a heimishe hashgucha)

us americans expect to wake up with a post from you, similar to yesterdays...and it does look like it was edited somewhat later; that's fine. keep it up.

b'hatzlachah

So, the rest of my day was pretty good. Last night, my wife asked me if i was still clean . I said the count isnt about "keeping clean" and i explained Dov's theory of someone "holding his breath". Its about becoming a better person and gaining control with the help of Hashem, since i am powerless over my lusts. So i can be clean for years, but if all im doing is lusting in my mind and not acting out, then it doesnt mean anything. She seemed to have been satisfied with that response .
Anyway, i was also in a very good mood yesterday, and i think its because i got this huge weight off my shoulders, i was living this huge lie in BOTH of my lives, and i finally got rid of it, so it was very relieving .

Sorry bochurim, next part has to be on the BB forum

Ok, so heres an update. Ive been clean for the most part. Today, i had a bad day. What made it even worse was my wife catching me in middle.
I didnt fall, but i was laying and fantasizing and she already knows the signs of me doing that.
Before that tho, ive been pretty good. Even tho im not totally there yet and have a lot to do before i can say that i dont lust at all, im ggetting better in general

So i guess we can say thank God. Shake it off and move forward!

Like dms said, while it is never pleasant getting caught by your wife, at least she stopped you before you went to far.

Also, I don't think you will ever get to the point where you don't lust, unless you get neutered. You are after all a human, and human's lust. If that is your goal you are setting yourself up to fail.

Lusting is human. Letting your lust take over and lead you to places that you don't want to be is not OK.

Be strong, friend!
I just told my wife about my struggles yesterday. She has a hard time "putting herself in my shoes" so to speak, since she can't imagine what I'm going through.
Anyway, be strong. We can do this together.

I havent posted on here for close to 2 months, and i really should have. The past 2 months have been utterly horrible. I went to OINK meetings at the beginning, which kept me clean for most of the time, but over bein hazmanim, there were no meetings and i fell miserably.
Between getting a new phone and not shutting off the internet right away. And needing an app downloaded so emailing venishmartem for the code and then.... whatever, its been bad.

So 2 nights ago, we had our first meeting since bein hazmanim. I have to say, it was great to get back together with the guys, they're all so amazing. (even the ones that couldnt come. shoutout to avrom, yankel, eli and Daniel)
Even though we didnt actually talk about the steps, (we had a new member and we were breaking him in) i think all the talk started creeping in. Over Bein haZ, i met with HashemsSoldier, and asked him a question on the steps. I said "it's great that i'm powerless, i can say that the whole day, but how do i internalize it to the point where when it comes down to it, i can really surrender?"
He said that the way he did it, was every time he had a teivah to look twice, he would tell himself, "this is because im powerless" even if he didnt mean entirely what he was saying and even if it didn't work at first, and then after a while it started sinking in, and then he was able to start surrendering.

So i've been trying to do that whenever i had a teiva to look twice. Today i was walking home on some backroad path, and suddenly i saw this woman in front of me. On a usual day, i would look twice, but suddenly i found myself looking down and saying to myself "Hashem, I'm in this position because you put me here, i am utterly powerless without your help, so please help me" and continued walking with my eyes down. After a few minutes, my YH got the best of me for a second and i looked up to see how far ahead of me she was. She wasn't there at all. Mind you, this is a path with no paths off of it besides one that goes out of the way. She took the other path, and i had a clear path ahead of me to get home.

I texted Skeptical, and he asked what that means to me. It means that i could do it, i am capable of actually internalizing the fact that I'm powerless and i could give it up to Hashem. It also means that Hashem listens, because theres only one reason why she would take the other path and thats because some higher power caused her to go that way.

BTW, Today is Day 2, i fell on Monday

der rebbe zol leibin inz firen ankeigen moshiach tzidkainee
keep on rolling in the right direction!

I think zemmy would say "great stuff" don't know why he didn't

so ditto.

KUTGW!!

and please please please KOP!!!! PPPKOP!!!!!

Just one thing, while your working on expectations, don't expect to feel that every time you do the right thing. Hashem gives us plenty of ways to see that he loves us, we just don't always want to see them, this time He stuffed it in your face.

So next time you do the right thing, find all the other things Hashem is giving you (like the fact that you were able to do the right thing) and thank Him back.

KOR!!!

Great Stuff! Great Stuff! for real

Wahhoooo, Incredible!! KOI (keep on internalizing, Yankel maybe you should add it to your list)

thanks for the shout out by the way

for all those who can see it, the first part of my post in on my thread in the Baalei Batims Forum

Anyway, so being as stress was my biggest trigger, getting rid of stress is helping me keep clean im not clean for so long, just about a week, but i feel much better about myself and a thought has barely crossed my mind since i started working on my stress.

I thought and was told a few things. First of all, we're like puppets in a puppet show, we think we're moving our legs, but theres really a big hand holding and pulling the strings. Its hard to internalize when everything is going against you, but if you internalize it before, it helps immensely.
Second, not only does it help to talk to Hashem, but it also helps to ASK Hashem for something. I asked him to take away my teiva recently, and he proceeded to do just that. I also asked him to take away my stress, it was hurting me too much, and that night was one of the best nights of my life. I saw a great quote somewhere, but i cant remember where (if somebody knows, please post the link). It goes something like "Hashem, if i cant have what i want, please teach me to want what i have"

This is what we have to internalize: Hashem knows whats good for us, and gives us exactly that. Nothing more and nothing less. We just dont see it. So basically what we have is really what we SHOULD be wanting, so we ask Hashem to please teach us to want what we have.

ROCK AND ROLL!!!

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perfect in time for Rosh Chodesh, the beginning of RENEWAL!!!!

Woo hoo! Sounds Great!! Keep it up!!

Things are getting better. You can smell h*pe in the air. (not hype)

-Eli