Well, I know that once an addict, forever an addict, since I fell yesterday.

There are things that I can do to prevent it from reoccuring, such as getting out of the house.

Basically, being back in my hometown for succos has brought back some of the negative memories / patterns associated with my life up until a month ago when I left to college. I don't think I was there long enough, but hopefully I'll go back and things will be better.

I think I'm in a good place overall; I need to make new friends and keep learning, two things that are extremely difficult back where I am.

Some things we cant change - especially our past. But we can can look into the future, and you have a bright one!! But the future also seems to hard to grasp - So forget about the past and the future and lets try to focus at the present...

Succos is zman simchoseinu. What and how is simcha acieved?
Rav. S. Pincus explaines 1) First the theory, there is a uneverse - lightyears of stars and planets, trillions of of insects and animals, billons of people... But there is only a few people hashem loves: YOU ans ME! He cares about us and he has all we need. We are the only being that has netzchios. After a couple of years here, awesomeness is awaiting us in the world to come.

That is the theory, but there is one other element needed: To internalize that truth we must hammer it in over and over again. Then we can build love from our side. Who besides us - can sing the same song for an entire hour?! At simchas Bhsh the same song "ata bechartanu" over and over... But instead of just humming the song along, we can try to have some kavana when we sing "Ata bechartanu mikol ha'amin, ohavto oisanu,,," Reaching deeper and deeper into our soul every time we say the words. Iyh will be able to expose the diamond within ourselves!

So your prescription:
Get to a Simchas Beis Hashoeva:

Ahrei haam shekocha lo ashrei haam shehashem eloikav
Ahrei haam shekocha lo ashrei haam shehashem eloikav
ahh ahh ah ahaha ahaha ahaha ahahahh ahahahaha
Ahrei haam shekocha lo ashrei haam shehashem eloikav
Ahrei haam shekocha lo ashrei haam shehashem eloikav
ahh ahh ah ahaha ahaha ahaha ahahahh ahahahaha

Rinse and repeat the above, until.....

........the woodford runs out




A git moed!!





(Disclaimer: Often I fall, when I start giving other people chizuck, so I just want to remiding myself, that even in these holy days, and even though I'm starting to feel better and higher, I cannot forget all I have learned until now. As of before, 1)just a "little lust will kill me 2) One day at at time! Sorry for that self talk - but sometimes I need to give myself chizuch )

Avrom wrote:


Thanx Avrom,

I was home alone and my YH came to join me. Your words are just what I needed.

MT

Have a few rough days behind me, it started 3rd day of chol hamoed. one thing lead to another. and after a short while I was watching porn, again

However the good news is, that unlike many other times, I was able to stop before I went all the way down. No sleepless night, no mzl. it ended right there.

I decided not to tell anyone, wanted to move on - kinda escape the fall, until things quiet down. I'm still in the danger zone, having been clean for 45 days and now being back to square one is rough, but B''H things are on the way up. Won't count days, "one day at a time"


One thing I still have big difficulty with is, watching movies, especially during bein hasmanim. Movies is how it all started, and that's usually my trigger - the only real defense I have against movies is to make a neder, that makes me pay x amount of money to tzedakah for every 10 minutes. but I just can't give it up right now.

Sorry to hear about the fall.

Great atitude, just focus on the moment, making the right decision now is more important than anything that ever happened and that will happen.

KOT, we're all with you!!

Great job stopping it in middle, it must've taken real strength.

KOMT and KUTGW.


See you around

Hi everybody,
Sorry I have not been here for a while. I was trying to avoid using the computer for anything. I am doing pretty good now. I don't count days, but everything seems much more positive now.

Some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

That's great KUTGW!!

Kol Tov

Hello,

Shabbos went well for me. I had no problems, not even a thought, at all. This morning I had a really small slip while in bed. I am not worried about it. I stopped myself before it went anywhere, so I am actually happy. I hope everyone else had a great shabbos also.

some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Hi,

Please forgive me for not posting in while. Yes im braking my own rules that I wrote..
I had a a very rough time in the last week of bein hazmanim.. BH I'm back clean for a few over a week now..

When something goes wrong, you have to reconsider the plan of action, what went wrong - what can be done better? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
I have have found that when talking to people on the phone, witch enables me to really be open about myself - I can give up the lust.

I haven't opened up to as many people as I would have liked to, but I'm in the process. I will be meeting a good GYE-friend this week IYH and really looking forward...
Every call has a deep impact on me, even if we are not talking about our struggle. Its a deep connection we share and I feel great every time I hang up. Even though I only made a few, I looking forward to keep it going. I also joined one of the phone conferences, I'm not sure I belong there, but I will soon figure that out too.

Since there are no tcholent eaters left besides me and some_guy (pm'd you my phone number.. ) I don't feel that my resignation will have to much impact on the members.

When guys leave the forum, its usually accompanied with a long "thank you" letter. However, I'm not saying good bye, because I still will come by from time to time, but ya know whet I mean.

Still I must say, that without this forum, without the awesome guys here. I probably never would have started living, never would have started feeling, nor would I have known how to have a relationship with my wife (that still must be found IYH) And it is only thanks to GYE that I was able to find those friends and for that I have to write a "thank you meggilah", until then,

Have a great Shabbes!

Avrom

Sorry it's taken me a while to post as well--I kind of left the forum for a long time, but I think it's what I needed.

I am really enjoying Yeshiva, and it is amazing being in a Yeshiva for the first time. I had some difficulty over Sukkos, but Baruch Hashem things are going well.

I have learned a lot from GYE, but, unlike last year, I now actually have genuine friends and a Mashgiach who cares about me and I can talk things over with. I definitely am not out of the woods, and I still have difficulty sometimes, so I am definitely going to stop back. It's just I don't know if I really need GYE on a regular basis at this point, considering how busy I am.

Baruch Hashem! I hope everyone else is doing well too.

Hi,

Sorry I have not been posted for a while. I had my computer completely blocked. I can't use it for anything.

Anyway, I have been good. I have been positive and looking forward. I probably will not be back for a while, but keep posting. I try to read all the posts I have missed. I hope everyone stays clean and hopeful!

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

It's nice to hear from you chachaman and some_guy. I'm glad you are both doing well.

Hi,

I am glad to be back so soon. I have been very good. Almost no bad thoughts or anything. I hope everyone else has been well. I may not come back for a while, so stay clean everybody!

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu