I also just had a fall. I made a kabbalah not to take the Ipad in to my room. Last night I gave in. Lying in bed with an Ipad is a ticking timebomb for me.
I feel powerless now and looking foward to start the 12 steps at the mushroom table.. However once I gain a couple of clean days, that feeling usually fades.. oynk?

OINK OINK, that's the spirit!!!

when you back? the caramel is burning!!!

just curious, does the feeling of "if lust hits I'm a gonner" fade, and you now think "next time I'll be able to overcome it"?

By me the feeling I have often is , "yes, if lust hits then i'm a gonner, but i'm doing so great it can't possibly come to me anymore" and I let my gaurd down, don't stay in contact with people etc. I think that is a much easier thought to deal with, for we know that we cannot predict the future, and we do really know that it WILL come, and we need to be ready for it. AND the OINK meetings are just way too exciting to miss them, so I end up going anyway.

i relate to both those feelings. pre fall "oh its not gonna be so bad i can stop if i want to" or everything i know flys out the window. then i'll be clean for a few days and start to feel invulnerable which eventually leads back to the pre-fall forgetting.

as it says in tehillim: "va'ani amarti beshalvi bal emot leolam" capital 30. now that i'm looking at it im seeing the whole cycle in the capitol.
hitting bottem
crying out to Hashem
Hashem in His Mercy saves us
we take the credit
fall
realize what we did and remember that our sobriety comes only from Hashem
Hashem saves us again

Welcome back Mr chacha! Yes, youtube is a no-no. You are just asking for trouble. I think K9 does work on windows 8, but I have found monitoring to be necessary as well. We can get around filters. Do you have anyone that can monitor your computer? Making some sort of kabalah or taphsic as to how and for what uses you will use the computer can help too. Keep it for necessary business only. Aimless surfing is a segulah for drowning, or getting eaten by a shark .

Small update:

This bein hazmanim started great. I got up on time, had a seder every day etc. I stopped watching movies and playing online games. But my mistake was that I didnt fill the up the missing time. Although the first 2 weeks were great... The last week was hell. (Excuse my language, but I have no better way to describe)

I am/was back to my "old self" And after I fell I coulnt resist to watch movies again. So I feel that im back to square one. Elul is coming - but staying clean during elul is no big deal. Bein Hazmanim is the true test - that I failed. Nothing positive comes to mind now. But the past is over and I have to focus on to the future.

Enjoy the rest of you vacation and bein Hazmanim!!

Hey Guys,

Married w/kids SA addict looking for some tcholent for the soul. Can I join your group?

Thanks!

Joe

joeshmo wrote:



"Yes!" - from avrom


You seem to know that you are an addict. So just to be clear - posting is very very helpful but a SA program seems to be the only way out. Have you tried that yet?
Im starting with the 12 steps tom night. But I will not let go of my tcholent-lifeboat yet!!! ( tcholent floats??)

Yes from me.

So how you doing? tell us a little about yourself

Hello Avram, Inastruggle and everybody else.

Yes I am a recovering addict and have tried SA on and off over the years but kind of dropped out after 3-4 meets or so. I had my real awakening back in 2009, when I got fired from my job and realized that I have to change my lifestyle or risk losing everything. Since then it has been quite the struggle.

My longest sobriety patch would be around 75 days (give or take) and I have been struggling with addiction for close to 25 years (ever since I was a kid).

B"H so far I have made it to day 7 (one day at a time), which is kind of the longest streak I have had in a while now.

I'm married, modern orthodox, with 3 little kids living in the Yerushalayim area.

How about you guys?

I fell again just now.

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I will try to post more. I am going to spend some time (bli neder / b'ezras Hashem) creating a document with a lot of attitudes, personal rules, philosophy, and some of my posts given to others, which will very much apply to me.

For now: DISCLAIMER: I HAVEN'T CHECKED OUT THIS PAGE SO CAREFULLY, IT COULD BE TRIGGERING:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201106/ominous-news-internet-addiction-atrophies-brains

Basically, internet addiction is similar to other types of addiction like gambling or even drugs. Similar brain changes.

Inastruggle: I love you brother, but please take my word that I am an addict. It's kind of like the rationalist v. traditionalist argument--even if rationalists are l'ma'aseh correct about a few things, one attains more yiras hashem by being a traditionalist. Even if I'm not actually an addict (but I wholeheartedly think I am), I will still gain from viewing myself as one.

Chacha, welcome back, and I'm sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you have a plan, and you're among friends here.

Just a note; you need to remove the period from the end of the link in order for it to work.

Chacha, if it helps you, then go for it.Maybe think about joining a phone conference?

I don't have much time right now, so KOT and hatzlacha.

Joeshmo, I introduced my self in my thread over here,
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/204389-The-chronicles-of-inastruggle

I'm going to yeshiva soon, and I hope to only report good news when I'm back here (a lot of weekends). The beginning of the zman is usually very hard for me, adjusting back from bein hazmanim and getting back to certain parts of yeshiva that I don't enjoy, but Iy"h I'll take it one day at a time and report back only good news.

I wish everyone hatzlacha with the new zman and new chodesh.

Idk if phone conferences are it; but it's enough of pretending to myself that "oh, if you just learn more Torah / get busy with other things in life you'll be okay". That's all true, but that isn't THE plan of attack by itself.

By the way, here's an addiction test (3/7 "yes" means you're an addict):

Tolerance. Has your use increased over time (escalation)? NO

Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, headaches, sweats, nausea, or vomiting? NO

Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? KIND OF (with this struggle, you can't control how long the ma'aseh lasts, but during it I want it to last forever)

Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family? YES (mood & self-esteem)

Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use? YES (I would say so--after the crash, definitely reduced social activities).

Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught? YES (definitely yes to emotional energy, time spent using, concealing, thinking about).

Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use? YYYYEEEESSSS!

Thus, at least 4/7 were yes.

Thanks for posting the test. By this test, I am definitely an addict. oh well, at least I'm in good company .

Welcome jeshmo!


My week... ALOT happened:
As mentioned my last week was one long fall. Elul around the corner I told myself. This Elul will be the start of "the new me" Well - Sadly I fell - I wont go thru my entire pilpul that thru my head.

But then a thought hit me: If I continue like this: I WILL DIE!! If I dont do somethig about this I will loose every thing. Im still a bochur - but was able to see a glimpse of my future ch'v: I was picturing - Loosing my wife, my children, my yiddishkeit and every good thing in my life EVERYTHING!

Shocking thought - but the truth.

All this being said, I know that this wont hold me back or cure me. (Smoking kills also doesn't hold people back for to long) Fear fades. But I'm determined to do whatever is takes to get out of this.


I know that I need Hashems help - HE just seems so far away from me - further than ever before.