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The chronicles of inastruggle
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: The chronicles of inastruggle 60844 Views

The chronicles of inastruggle 07 Apr 2013 05:50 #204389

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I'm going to reintroduce myself for the record, and for those of you who haven't heard my story yet.Iv'e been m********* for as long i can remember, my earliest memory of it was when i was in first grade i wasn't molested or anything b'h, i discovered it on my own.I obviously had no clue that it was assur (though i do remember thinking that something wasn't so kosher about it), and i didn't connect it to s*x until i was about 13, it just felt good so i did it.In eighth grade i found out about s*x and connected the two.It was also around that time when i discovered p***. Eventually i also found out it was assur (through an article on wikipedia, which leaves a bit to be desired in the chinuch area).

I did try stopping but i wasn't too committed since i didn't know if it was really assur or not, since i never heard any rebbe speak about it openly, if i remember correctly my eighth grade rebbe mumbled something about shmiras habris which i don't think anyone understood, and even i wasn't sure if he was talking about what i was doing.Anyway when i got to mesivta the rebbeim did mention it and i knew it was assur but by that time it was already naaseh lo k'heter for long time already.

i knew that i should speak to a rebbe about it but i was too embarrassed.I did speak to one rebbe without telling him what the problem was (i think he guessed it) and he told me to try just to stop it for a short amount of time and then i could try for longer (a.k.a. baby steps) but that didn't really either help too much.Somewhere around twelfth grade i stopped m******** without p*** because it wasn't too hard to do and to be completely honest it was also getting a little boring.

I'm not sure how long ago i heard about gye but i think i read about it in the mishpacha and that motzei shabbos i checked it out, all i saw were some articles i read some and it didn't help at all.

i should add that like most unmarried people (i think ) i thought that once i get married it would just go away so i was rationalizing that anyway it isn't a permanent problem and i'm koruv l'oness because i started so young etc. which i think was the reason i wasn't taking it too seriously.

So i continued to watch p*** and m****** pretty much whenever i was home until about three months ago when i was walking to yeshiva and i was listening to a shiur about the dangers of the internet and to do teshuva even if you fell, ( i put it up in the kosher isle if anyone is interested) and something snapped and i realized that I HAVE TO STOP THIS NONSENSE, since the last time i was on gye i had read about it a few more times and saw some advertisements for it so i decided that i'm going to have to go on gye another time and become a member and (i don't remember this for sure but i think the second part was there) if it doesn't work then i'm going to talk to my rebbe about it.

When i went on gye it was completely different than before and i joined up and registered on the 90 day chart right away and did't fall for about two weeks then i did about a month and now i'm 33 days clean which is my longest since joining.

in my next post iy'h i'm going to talk some more about what my situation is, and what i think my problem is, and how i'm dealing with it
Last Edit: 07 Apr 2013 06:33 by inastruggle.

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 07 Apr 2013 09:16 #204391

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My situation is as follows:
since joining gye i got someone to switch the k9 password (i put k9 on the computers around the house after the asifah but i knew the password, so they were useless).However there are two unfiltered laptops around my house belonging to members of my family that don't want to put filters on (iv'e asked a few times, but they're scared that its going to mess up the laptops like it messed up one of the computers) but i usually don't use them anyway.

These are what i believe my problems are:
1)like every normal male i have s*xual urges (which isn't really a problem rather a blessing: b"h i'm healthy)
2)i have a strong habit of m*******
3)iv'e been toaim taamah d'isurah (tasted a forbidden flavor) so it's harder to control myself
4)there are unfiltered laptops which i have access to (see page 5)

What i'm doing:
1)the 90 day chart
2)i've made a kabbalah not to go on a certain 'semi kosher' site which led to my falls
3)using the blow it up method
guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/102639-Blow-it-up
4)and starting to write here which should be another deterrent to keep me from falling
5)iv'e also made a kabbalah to only use the laptops in public places
6)a kabbalah not to be on the internet past a certain time
7)whenever i'm alone with the internet i try to open gye in another tab
8)posting here (whether it's about me or someone else, i get alot out of it.)
9)achron achron chaviv, the heilige 'one day at a time'
the kabbalos are going to expire at the end of bein hazmanim and i'll go from there
iv'e also been looking into the taphsik method and might implement it soon

My philosophy: (some of it anyway)
First of all we have to realize why we're stopping.The reason I want to stop is because Hashem doesn't want me to be doing this.(note: this is because I don't think I'm addicted, the reason for an addict to stop would be because he needs to start living again) Once we realize why we want to stop then we can actually start the recovery process because until then there's no reason to be committed enough to do what it takes.

Before I say what my way of dealing with this is, I'd like to say that whether or not we're addicted Hashem obviously is going to be the one giving us the strength to beat this (in fact without saying this then there is n reason to think we can beat this) so davening to him about it and asking for his help should be the first thing to do.

I believe that we are always going to have struggles with inyanei arayos always whether or not we've ever fallen and whether or not we're addicted. The way we have to deal with it is that we have to deal with it right when we start getting the urge or thinking about doing anything.The best way to do this is obviously not to get into a situation where we will be faced with anything that might lead to any problems, hence filters, shmiras einayim, other fences. (if i'm not mistaken then this is also alexeliezer's approach)

But even with all our safeguards we will almost inevitably end up thinking something or seeing something, being that we don't live in a box or under a rock but in a messed up world.This is where we have to focus on, because once it gets past this stage it only gets harder and eventually almost impossible to beat.

So when the thought comes we have to get rid of it.There are a lot of ways to get rid of them and the main ones that i use are the blow it up method (which doesn't have to be an explosion, the possibilities are endless when you've played as many games as i have...)and just deciding that i won't think about it because then i might do something which would [fill in the blank] which i will regret (what i usually stick in is that i'll have to reset my count).

But i think that since this is using logic to beat the urge then it only works at the beginning while the urge is still forming but once the urge is complete you have to use more drastic measures to stop it which include distracting yourself by doing something that uses your mind completely which can be davening with a a lot of kavanah like some people here use (distracting yourself is also a good idea even if you caught it earlier) or some other things like the taphsic method, like taking a walk, doing exercise, or even playing a video game.I should also add that sometimes the urge comes on right away without giving us the chance to stop it before it's complete and we have to use these tactics right away.

Since this is my way of thinking, then even though i have unfiltered laptops at my disposal then as long as i catch the thought forming i'm able to control it and not act out, and anyway even if they wouldn't be there there are still ways to fall (i have found loopholes already).However like i said earlier it would be better not to have them at all.

Also some people told me that they find counting days counterproductive, i think that the reason its helpful to me is because i don't look at it as a goal or end result rather i just like knowing that i was able to beat the yetzer harah so many times and therefore it's a good deterrent from falling.

Before i finish i just want to stick in a little bit about the importance of 'one day at a time'.If we look at this battle as being clean until we die then it's easy to just give up and say it's hopeless.But if the way we look at it is not looking at it at all, just living and having prepared for a battle, and when the battle comes to fight it, win it, and don't look back then how hard can it be?

may we all be zoicheh to live life and win all our battles ad biyas goel tzedek bemhairah uv'yameinu amen

Disclaimer: the philosophy part is incomplete and might change and also just my personal opinion and observations of my own struggle, if you disagree with any of it please post.

i know this was very long-winded, i'd like to thank you all for bearing with me
Last Edit: 12 May 2013 11:28 by inastruggle.

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 07 Apr 2013 20:17 #204418

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on friday night i dreamt that i fell (it's been happening pretty often recently) but this time in middle of the dream i thought "hey i'm not allowed to think these things".I'm not sure what happened next, but i got alot of chizuk out of the fact that the recovery is even going into my sleep!

last night i was shmuzzing with my sister and she told me that her friend told her (from her sister's friends husband, bshem omro ) that boys in yeshiva watch bad videos and other things and she was shocked "so i told her that my brother would never do such a thing"...

ouch, it hurts to have someone trust you like that when it isn't true

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 07 Apr 2013 21:03 #204419

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inastruggle wrote:

last night i was shmuzzing with my sister and she told me that her friend told her (from her sister's friends husband, bshem omro ) that boys in yeshiva watch bad videos and other things and she was shocked "so i told her that my brother would never do such a thing"...



I have a feeling that everybody here has had that experience. We are pretty good fakers. (and lousy fakers at the same time)
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 07 Apr 2013 21:19 #204420

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Beautiful!!
seems like you did a lot of self examination,
isn't it amazing how stupid people can be, "filters will mess up the computers", how about the fact that without them you are likely messing up your minds!!! and even if not in the same form as us, most people that don't want a filter reason that they won't be able to see a link that their friends send them, or the news, or whatever it is, have they ever asked themselves what will happen if they don't see those things? they actually might start living for real!! (scary thought)
wish you a lot of hatzlacha and may these chrinicles only be full of accomplishments and growth!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 02:41 #204440

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inastruggle wrote:
my sister and she told me that her friend told her (from her sister's friends husband, bshem omro )

kay let's get this straight.
Chana feigel says
that Rivki T. told her
that Esti T. told Rivki T.
that Esti's friend Shani's Husband
Chuna Feitel said
that some guys in his dira occasionally smoked pot?
?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם
My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him?

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 04:36 #204453

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inastruggle wrote:
...
last night i was shmuzzing with my sister and she told me that her friend told her (from her sister's friends husband, bshem omro ) that boys in yeshiva watch bad videos and other things and she was shocked "so i told her that my brother would never do such a thing"...

__________
I've had that happen too. A couple of months ago my wife was shmoozing with a relative of mine and they started talking about the Internet and filters etc. So she tells my wife "My husband always says that if there's anyone in the whole world that he would trust with an unfiltered computer, it's {Gevura} "!!!! (Obviously he used my real name). I didn't know if I should laugh or cry...
...So I did both just to be sure
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
Last Edit: 08 Apr 2013 04:37 by Gevura Shebyesod.

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 19:13 #204480

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before gye shmiras einaim for me was really nothing, which means that on the street i wouldn't look at ladies but that was mostly because i felt that getting caught staring would be a chilul hashem and also because i didn't really have such a taivah for it.(I think that it was also because they were real as opposed to fake like on the computer but that's for another post) I guess it was also good for me because why add more things to what i saw,, and also because i avoided triggering myself.But it hasn't become a serious thing until i started being clean for the most part.

so recently i was walking in the street and i was looking down at the ground and of course there's non tznius pictures there! (flyers) this happened twice already. (eicha voice) oy what a messed world we live in... where even looking down at the ground isn't enough for shmiras einaim....

i hereby propose the alaska initiative, where everyone is tzinus and the snow covers all the shmutz WHOS WITH ME? MI LASHEM EILAI
Last Edit: 08 Apr 2013 19:17 by inastruggle.

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 19:18 #204482

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Hi! great thread you got going. please keep on writing
from what i hear Alaska gets hot in the summer. At least some parts of it, it is a pretty big place. So how about we head over to Aunt Arctica?
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 19:43 #204489

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is it ok to visit her? i'llaskher


*rotten tomatoes flying by*

ok sorry i know it was corny, make a hadamah

*rotten bottles of woodford going by*

this isn't so bad
Last Edit: 08 Apr 2013 19:47 by inastruggle.

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 19:44 #204490

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Zemmy: Wasn't Ireland [where Mr. Emu is president] your aunt?
?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם
My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him?

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 20:03 #204494

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it's a long story but it's definitely a timely point
אני השם רופאיך
ר"ת אייר(לאנד) ודו"ק
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 20:39 #204506

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The most kosher place to live in the world, ironically but probably true is
Saudi Arabia !!

I need some chizuk to get me back on track !! Any nice dvaar torahs or so ?

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 21:06 #204525

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my grandfather told me that there are chassidshe guys with online businesses that sell tznius clothes and some of their best customers are from afghanistan and other choshuve countries

Re: The chronicles of inastruggle 08 Apr 2013 21:12 #204527

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(if i remember correctly) i once saw a shiur by Rav Moshe Shapiro where he asked how is it that the Arabs are seemingly so makpid on tznius (well, at least officially) why does the gemara say that they got tisha kavin of znus?
he answered that the proof is what they envision as their future reward. the idea of getting unlimited lust indulgence in the form of 72 shows that their ultimate focus is one thing only.
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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