Started a journey today. Really tommorrow is the first day. Please cheer me on. I will try and post every dat to document current status and progress. Please pray for me.

What's your name, man? (Or who do you want me to pray for? for a big talker and 3 digits? :D)

hatzloche!

We're here with you!
Hashem help Bigtalker613!!!!!

OK--I actually didn't know how to keep logging my journey so I just replied to the last message on this board. Hope that works--if not, give me instructions.

So...that was my first day. Really half day to be honest. Wasn't hard. Classic hard fall = regret = no hope = one last thing I never tried = what I'm doing right now. Can't say I'm terribly optimistic, or at all for that matter. But it was quite refreshing to be trying. Been at least a few long months since I've overcome the "no hope" phase and actually done something. And I did notice that this refreshing feeling did allow me to look the other way at things in the street. That's also a first in quite a few long months. So I can say that notwithstanding the learned pessimism I've acquired, there is an undeniable good feeling that comes along with starting fresh and trying anew. Tommorrow will be my first full day and I'll probably have to wait until after Shabbos to write about it, so I hope to return with 2 full days under my belt.

Keep praying--no name. Just the guy with this SN--I can use all the help I can get.

Thanks

Keep up!! try keeping your eyes away from everything from the start, it's a great preventative!!
have you read the handbook?
Hope to see you every day!!!
good Shabbos!!

welcome! just letting you know that I will be walking by your side. I'm however, half a day ahead of you.. So ill give you a "heads-up" in case anything life threatening comes in my way. If i say nothing - you are good to go

So I decided that 'porn' is very relative. You see, I understand that there is a clear definition of that word, but I think it's wrong. Because all it really is is a vehicle for sexual stimulus and that vehicle can come in many shapes and forms.
I happen to live and work in a densely populated area. I think that just as much, and probably even more than I use porn as a stimulus, I use my windows. Does that make me some kind of perv? Well I certainly feel like it does, which is why I'm here. Because I feel like a sicko. Maybe it's because I've developed a drop of yiras shamayim in my time in yeshiva, so I really avoid the porn that focuses on the part of the woman that you're really really not supposed to look at. And I've developed this strange habit and terrible hobby of enjoying all that passes by my window.
The relevance of all this is that--the last 2 days (has it only been that short?) have not been terribly difficult in the porn dept. I honestly have had only one good opportunity to look at anything, but the freshness of this journal has strongly pushed it aside. But my 'window porn', in my connisseur-perverted terminology, hasn't been good at all. (Weather usually doesn't matter--there's enough traffic that in rain, snow, etc there's always something to look at). I need to fix this.
On a different note, I have noticed within myself that it does help internally knowing that there are others watching, and rooting for me. It feels like I won't just let myself down this time, but everyone else who's trying to support me. At least at this early stage in the game it does feel extremely helpful. But I'm not always the optimist. We'll see how it carries through. But if you could respond, and get others to respond as well--it might just be my sick need for attention--but at least for now, it is making things a little bit easier.

Again, thanks to all; Keep praying for me
That's Day 2. Hope to continue with a clean Day 3.

bigtalker613 wrote:

I agree. I've never actually looked at porn b'H. I've looked at things that come pretty (or extremely) close to porn, but never porn itself. However, if it triggers me, it's got the same danger inherent.

bigtalker613 wrote:

I know the feeling back when I was in a Yeshiva near the beach I used that form of "porn". Although, we vacated the area and went to the mountains for summer zman, there was still plenty (i.e. way too much) to see when we were there. I used to sit on my bed and stare out the window at all the people (ok I guess they were really object to me) passing by. It certainly fed my lust very well.

Hatzlacha to us all and yes we really are rooting for you.

zvi wrote:


bigtalker613 and Zvi,

I couldn't agree with you more.

I'm sure if you polled a group of lust addicts you will discover that ones man's fantasy is another man's gehinum and vice versa.

The problem of being a lust/sex addict is not about the "cheftza" of porn. It doesn't matter which lustful experience gets you panting like a dog. Feeding our desire for lust will destroy us no matter what we feed it.

This is not about kedusha. Maybe at one point kedusha will play a role, but right now

we need to live.

As long as we let our addiction/problem shlep us around by the nose, we will go through life as pitiful losers (if we are lucky) or as lifeless zombies(if we are not so lucky).

Yes, there are a bunch of kareis inducing aveiros that we get caught up in, but if we don't learn to live a sober life we will have neither a portion in the next world nor in this world.

Addicts might enjoy the moment, but they hate life.

The key here isn't simply being a "dry drunk", it's learning how to live, honestly.

Eli

Nu, is it day 3 ?

hatzloche, Shloymi

I skipped Day 3. Crazy day. No time. I will try to be better, but for now, at least I'll write my thoughts that went through my mind throughout the last 2 days (days 3 and 4 of my journey).
Something clearly has changed. My mind is still quite a mystery to me--or better yet, it's probably my memory that is the mystery. I've gone through this process of trying-to-stop-and-failing literally hundreds of times in my life and yet as I start the next attempt I forget the process entirely.
Well, as much as I've forgotten, I've been reminded. Throughout Days 1 and 2 I really felt pretty good. I actually believed in myself but more than that, I felt confident and lust-free, to some extent. I got home from work on Day 3 and I decided to check the news on the Internet (against my unspoken agreement with myself to cut down!), and when I opened my laptop what do I see? My wife has generously left me a YouTube page open and one of the links to another video is quite alluring! Welcome struggle! And it really was one--I didn't close that webpage (obviously!) and throughout my looking at news sites, I actually kept re-opening it and starting the battle all over again. (Youtube, by the way, is the gateway porn for me--i.e. it gets everything started--I don't really feel terrible because it's not really porn officially, whatever that means...Next thing I know all kinds of webpages are open).
With the risk of sounding like 'that-classic-guy-on-the-GYE-site', I will say that overcoming that battle had alot to do with this journal. And it's quite strange actually. Because I would be embarressed to admit to this journal and anyone reading that I failed. But nobody here knows me (I really hope!). But it did. And my pride said--"You're going to write that you couldn't make it pass Day 3?!? What a pathetic loser!". So I overcame the urge. Thank You.
But it's not all good news. My point in the beginning of this post, about being reminded of how the cycle of trying works, is as follows. Day 3 was the first day that I had a serious urge. But I overcame it. Great, right? Not exactly. Yes, kudos to me. But now I'm in a sinking ship. Because now that the urge has entered he dowsn't want to leave. He's making himself quite comfortable. And now I remember, "Oh yea, that's why I've always failed with this thing". Because from here on he just keeps growing until I feel like I can't fight any longer. And it's fascinating because I'm noticing right now that the reason I give in is not necessarily that I concede defeat. But I subconsciously percieve it as victory. Victory over the lust. Because once I give in, the lust disappears. Well, we all know how very much of an illusion that last statement was.
But to end on a good note, I am 4 days clean. But based on everything I've written and a thousand more thoughts that I haven't written, I really could use a good Tehillim rally right now. Not to be a part of, but to be the recipient.
Keep on praying for me.

first of all, i think that you're forgetting that the urge doesn't just keep growing and growing*. it grows and then peaks and gets easier and easier to handle. which means that all you have to do is keep coming here, posting, getting/giving chizzuk and it'll get easier. that sounds like winning to me. of course we never win for good, but its winning the first stage and becoming the muchzik.

second, all we do is one day at a time, (it's not like we have a choice) so don't worry about winning the war just the next battle and you already won a bunch of battles so we know you can do it. you lifted the smaller weights and with hashem's help you'll lift the (slightly) heavier ones too just worry about the next pound not the amount that you'll be lifting in a week or a month.

in the meantime your'e doing great kutgw

*am i the only on who this reminded about the fetteh moishe song "and the mess grew bigger every single day...."

The last guy who posted (inastruggle)--thanks for the kind words. It does help to hear that--the positive side; how much overcome as opposed to how much further to go. And it is just one day at a time--but we, or at least I, need to keep being reminded of that. Because you see, my sweet and dear friend, Mr. Evil Inclination is constntly ad incessantly reminding me how, "It's all or nothing; You're not gonna last for the whole week/month/year; You know how many struggles are gonna come your way; You've never been successful before; The pressure will just keep mounting until you topple". And we all know how loud and powerful his voice is. So again, thanks for offering a voice in the other direction. It is quite the breath of fresh air.
I'm glad to announce I'm 5 days clean. Usually at this point of 5, it's becasue there is some great diversion going on in my life. A new job, a new house--something that takes me out of my normal routine. But these 5 have been a conscious battle. At the same time, I'm not getting all giddy just yet.
Everywhere I look there are triggers happy to greet me. This has been the story of my life, and it's just the way the world is today. On most occasions I tend to greet them back with stares and getting as much pleasure as they are willing to offer. I can say that so far this hasn't changed. I know the true key to this battle is actually stepping up to address the root of it all, which is what I take in with my eyes. (Hence the name of our very helpful site we have here!).
There was one point in my life, for about a year, that I felt I had this mastered. And I really did. I was in full control and constantly working on this. The day that stage of my life ended was the day that my life began its downward spiral out of control.
Currently, I completely lack the self control to deal with this which is the much bigger issue and the key that will really open the door to the greater escape of this hell that I've been living for way too long. I'm hoping that it will come naturally; I'll wake up one day and I'll have the drive and the ability to 'look away'. But I know that's probably not true. So it's like I'm pushing these urges away with all my strength but at the same time secretly ensuring that they don't leave. Because I do enjoy them.
Another not I wanted to mention was that Day 5 was a bad day. Things just weren't going my way. This is the beginning of the end for me. Because this 'addiction' we're addressing here--he really thrives on my bad days. He offers me an escape into a 'happy world' that will allow me to forget my sorrow. So I knew that I had to be on my toes beause this was really a day that could have ended terribly, under normal circumstances. Thank the Good Lord that I squeezed through.
Onto what I hope will mature into a completed Day 6...

Dude

I feel the same way. Once the Yetzer hora starts me off not matter how slowly, I feel that it's only a matter of time before I fall.

I had this weird feeling today that I was being pulled to porn from very far away. Hard to explain but that's how I felt.

Maybe because we have given up so many time our brains are telling us that we will fall even though it's not inevitable.

Instead if thinking, "oh no, I can't go on youtube because it will lead me to something else that is bad" and then having some battle rage inside of you, change the stakes.

You need to be saying, "I cant go on youtube because I have so many more valuable things to do with my life" I'm sure you do. I'm not saying that you should fool yourself into thinking that you dont enjoy porn. I am suggestiong that you focus on recognizing the other parts of life that you enjoy.

Eli