laughingman wrote on 23 Mar 2018 06:27:

Man that's epic.

In Israel in my first year of marriage, realising we had to return to south africa, with no place to go except my in-laws house, no drive to learn that much, no work experience or any qualifications, as I massaged my wife's head as she was throwing up 7 times a day from the pregnancy, I asked,
"What's the next step?"
She mumbled, "Well, my shoulders," with conviction.
We both laughed.

Your story sounds so painful. I wish you the resolve to do the next right thing, but only you could know what that is. 

Sounds like a lot of pain. may i humbly suggest you give Dov a call?

No ....no more calls ....no more anything 

i think i have hit the bottom 

i have harmed those who were closest to me with irreparable damage .....

i am not worthy of anything at all ....there is nothing to do 

when my children no longer need me soo closely ...i am disappearing i am done ....i failed 

when i started this thread it was 5 years ago 
....i still had hope, conviction, now all i am is shame , disappointment sorrow 

i cant carry on or try again ....nor do i want to 

i am sorry ....you cannot save me ....

I dont know if even Hashem can help me 

they say that He helps those who help themselves ....well ...what if i dont want to be saved ....what if i want to suffer....to end ....what if i gave up

what can He do ...but watch me burn 

hi , do you mind telling me which religion your affiliated  with,because  youre obviously not talking about Judaism or Hashem Elokei Yisroel,ALL  the jewish writings,litvish/ chasidish/sefardish,agree that no yid is too far gone,you sound tired, go to a store ,buy an icecream,with no one around, only you and Hashem,make a loud beracha ,dig in and think how much Hashem loves you,and start AGAIN.with your eyes that have sinned so much, youre still being given healthy  by your best friend,all your body parts that you may have sinned with, have they ruptured?no?you can still urinate?who do you think is giving you that ability, the one who loves you most even though we spat in HIS face so many times,incredible!Hashem Still loves us!we are called banim to Hashem , we may act like bad children, but we are His children,and He is our Father ,and He knows what kind of degenerate generation we are surrounded by,the world is FULL of tumah,the AIR is tamei!you make it sound like who knows WHAT you did ,trust me ,i can only imagine , and unfortunately i have a good imagination,and im still telling you, DONT GIVE UP, Hashem didnt give up on you! dont you give up on you! sorry, youre  a yid ,with a pintile yid, a holy neshama AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!so cut it out, Hashems gonna get from you what He wants from you anyway, so why postpone?
i hope i didnt hurt you in anyway with this post, but i felt alot of pain  in your post,and i wanted to tell you ,stop doing this to yourself,no matter what you did  and no matter what you deserve to get,as long as youre  alive theres still hope, i wish you alot of nachas from your children who you sound like you love so much .
p.s.if what you did involves harming someone else,PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT, and remember ,YISROEL ,AF AL PI SHECHATA,YISROEL HU!-A JEW EVENTHOUGH HE HAS SINNED HES STILL CONSIDERED A JEW!

laughingman wrote on 22 Aug 2017 06:02:

Dovid Hamelech wrote in tehillim,KI AVI VEIMI AZAVUNI,-MY FATHER AND MOTHER MAY HAVE ABANDONED ME,VAHASHEM YA`ASFAYNI-AND HASHEM WILL GATHER ME IN. your mother may have abandoned  you, but Hashem will NEVER abandon you!

The other side of that is ....in a certain context you all are right ...despite whatever ....my family ....all of them ....still love me ...have told me many times ....and do not actually seek my harm 

and even what i have done wrong ....wasnt as bad as even i make it sound ....with decent therapy might even be dealt with altogether 

i just fear the witchhunters more then anything else 

just because i remain without such help out of fear ....i sort of suffer more and some mornings i just cry out and then i vent here how i feel inside 

So much pain. May hashem help you find peace of mind and chaverim to support you during this challenging time. Do you have anyone you open up to in real life? A chaver? A rebbi? A therapist? A GYE chaver?

From someone  who knows about mistakes, please please work the program till the hilt. It has save the life of. loved one.I was here in 2009 left what a huge mistake.i begged and pleaded  to HASHEM for help and here Iam again BH ! Its a horrific and painful test, but please but all of your energy into working the steps.I wish I had in 2009!! I BEG YOU TO USE ALL THE HELP HASHEM IS OFFERING YOU !!!!

Gettinghelp2 wrote on 12 Apr 2018 16:00:

Agree 100% I see the YAD HASHEM throughout my journey and am exceedingly grateful for HIS protecting me from the full consequences of my destructive behaviors during acting out. I view the gift of this new opportunity to recover,including my gevaldige new sponsor and willingness to accept direction from our stalwart brothers who have successfully navigated this treacherous path before us as true Chasdei HASHEM! May we all continue to be showered with more Rachmei Shamayim and Siyata D'Shmaya and the wisdom to accept this.

Acceptance of the judgement ....i have started to feel accepting of the judgement so far 

dov taught me a powerful lesson about accepting reality of lifes situations 

i made choices ...and i understand alittle why ....it doesnt matter ....being different means being different ....and improving means doing what is right now despite difficulty ....

It has become more clear to me ....through unofficial therapy and self searching that I have not been myself for a long time ....and that my diagnosis may have been flawed for a long time 

I keep trying to come to terma with what my life is now ....accepting what reality is and being grateful to Hashem for all I have and trusting Him as much as I can that He is caring for me even though I am broken and blackened by severe sin ....I only hope in the grand scheme of things I am not too late 

Your older posts from back in April scares the daylights out of me because it sounds like a severely depressed guy about to kill himself.

If you are looking for some out of the box thinking I'd be happy to speak with you more and listen. There's no room in my brain for witch hunts, believe me.

mzl wrote on 27 Jun 2018 10:19:

Why are you bringing those up? These posts sound healthy and even hopeful; leave those behind. 

It's fine really ....I am always teetering ....it is part of my illness .....and for 10 years+ I was in complete denial about the extent of my condition and it's effect on my family and friends and even myself 

and even as I return here haphazardly i am unable to truly be free 

i didnt read you whole thread - but one positive thing you should think - i dont think i would have made it nearly as far as you did