I feel in between .......on the one hand my family life has improved dramatically .....on the other hand i still wallow in the filth .....every now and then (about 2 weeks to a month.....i have observed ....and i am sure some who have followed my journey have observed it too) now i am starting to feel like i have no control ....but i dont talk to anyone here lately about it ....mostly i feel like i am simply another burden to others who already carry soo much in life 

I feel guilty for what i have done .....guilty and sad ....but that is not stopping me enough.....but what is enough?

Don't get down. Your life sounds incredibly difficult and you're coping so well. I usually gasp in awe at how such people can handle such tragedy. I have everything going for me and am probably doing worse than you. So pat yourself on the back. You deserve it and are an inspiration for us.

I have a problem. Whenever i feel down, and i feel down from the simplest thing; i immediately turn to porn. Or its equivalent. i dont talk to anyone really about how i feel or why i feel that way. I just act on it. I was supposed to talm to Dov about 3 months ago and i never got back to him. First it was i was trying to think what to do to go foward, then it was rosh hashana, and now its chag. 

laughingman wrote on 20 Oct 2016 08:25:

We had several dates as well.

laughingman wrote on 20 Oct 2016 08:25:

It's called an addiction. You aren't bad for that, it's not in your control unless you get into recovery. 

Missed call? Why not call back?

Simple. Not easy.

Good Moed!

Yes so, cordnoy when is a good time to get back into calling you as well

Just try when you are available.

If you let me know beforehand it will be better, but try anyway.

About a week ago ....i was feeling out of control. I kept acting out, seemingly on some kind of self-destructive warpath. I felt like all i could do was keep doing what i was doing. Then i suddenly realized the destructiveness, the very real destructiveness of my course of actions. Losing time, losing my temper, losing my soul. All very real things, too much. For the longest time i have felt a very real divide on how Hashem really feels about me. On the one hand i try to internalize the things that i have learned, in school, from my mentors when i had any, and from people on this forum like dov. From the other side though i kept feeling like maybe all of these people are mistaken? Maybe we all just disappoint with our actions and are awaiting massive retribution? I have spent my life really thinking at least in hindsight most of the time, on what the results of my negative and destructive behaviors and actions had on my experiances that await me after death. But none of that stopped my negative behavior, largely because i kept feeling hopeless from my misunderstanding of my own knowledge. But then again i kept trying to do positive and healing actions too. Which might explain the epiphanies i started having. True i and many many others might have much to deal with both here and after, but if that were the be-all-end-all then we would perish long ago. But we are still here, and its not like we are like others who are completely unrepentant. On the contrary most of us are humbled and humiliated on our own and would never do any of the things we have done if we truly understood ...and we regret these things always. So maybe there is more to it, maybe Hashem is soo much more benevilent than any truly understand. When one starts to contemplate on the things that might really matter to the One who controls all, one might see Him everywhere at once. Like moshe, sometimes it just means to stop and see why the bush is NOT being burned.

Just read this, old friend. Now this contains evidence of some real progress...precious.

Hope you are dping ok and look fwd to more posts, calls, or whatever.

Be well, chaver

I havent posted in a while ....or communicated with anyone from here at all really .....i have been taking a looooong hard look at what i really think and what i really want to accomplish in life .....also what i CAN accomplish at this point ....i have been doing better ....but financially it has been pretty scary

Glad to hear you're doing well, and sounds like managing as best you can with some tough challenges!

laughingman wrote on 08 Jan 2017 09:16:

Financial stuff is scary bro. I hear. I got my own beef. I need a yeshua, b'ezras Hashem.. but it's nowhere as close to the fear of having to start from day 0 again. I want to internalize that.

I love you chaver. Have a good day and hatzlocha today with whatever stuff you are trying to be useful in. 
What else is there than that, really? 

I have not posted in over a month ....anyone with half a minute could deduce that on their own but that was the first thing that struck me as i wanted to write a post

but what i really want to write down is how weird i feel 

i have definitely made changes ...in my shmirat habrit, in my habits, in the way i talk to my family, all for the positive i hope .....

i can say that if i did have addiction i seem to have some understanding ....though its possible i never had true addiction in the first place .....but i never feel done ....i always feel "on guard" ..."watchful".....

one reason is that while my acting out episodes have gone down ....i am unsure if i am really doing better ....because my positive actions feel less .....

for sure i am more positive to my family ....especially my wife ....but in my quest to help her feel better i feel like my relationship with Hashem suffers tremendously ....

for one my wife has been having alot of issues emunah wise .....

even things we have accomplished halachically i am constantly unsure if we are doing correctly ...and she doesnt care she has enough to worry about ....what with a chronic illness an all though even there we have made some strides ....

but also in the realm of finance i am not doing well ....seems everywhere i turn money is "supposed to be coming" but for reasons that vary ...its not here now ....

also i am under pretty steep debt 

i dont daven nearly as much as i used to ....but when i do i bawl out like i never got to pray in my life ....i dont know how much quality those prayers are even .....some days i end up putting on tefillin at tziet .....unfortunately i also have no spiritual guidance .....i dont feel like the rav i used to go to can really help me anymore ....hes at a different level than i am now....

I will say more later