I have been talking to dov ....it does help ....

laughingman wrote on 31 May 2016 19:03:

Great to hear that someone answers your calls.

laughingman wrote on 02 May 2013 02:42:

That was a post of yours from over three years ago...look at how all you are focused on is your 'falling' and other nahrishkeit. Not in reality, not facing your Life - instead, just facing the "Wall of Honor" and pretending that the only real factors in your life that matter to you are how many mitzvos vs aveiros you have and your madreiga...all fantasy.

While the house of your Olam hazeh was busy burning down, there you were boiling your water first instead of dousing the fire with whatever water you had (Chofetz Chayim's moshol) - while some GYE folds were cheering you on for your cleanliness...but apparently things have changed around here for the better, and:

OMG! How far you have come since then, Mr Laughy!

Look at most of your recent posts - they are focused on your marriage (or lack thereof), the family, your emotional state and your opportunities, obligations, needs....in other words: they are mostly about facing your Real Life!

That's amazing, and real progress.

Before you go back to the land of impurity and falls, I hope you can at least spend one minute before davening each tefillah today and the rest of this week at least, just appreciating how you are closer to living on the same page with Hashem and Reality rather than in la-la-land like you used to be. One minute is not long.
 

I have thought of that ...alot ....and also thinking how i wish i had then the mindset i have now .... i might have avoided things .....but i also know how super dangerous that train of thought is .... i also realize how important what i do is ....no matter that it doesnt fit a "model" but my whole life is like that ...and enabled to be that way when many others are refused ....i an a caretaker now ...

Yes, to some degree you are. 

Yet you are also a real, live, man. You still have your own life that is affected a great deal by what you spend your life on.

I think we each need to find our own peace.

Can you see what I am referring to? 

This looks like a conversation between two people where there is history and more going on than the actual surface appears.... But I am still getting something out of reading it. Sometimes it CAN take years to realize you are getting someplace. And sometimes it can take years to get someplace. But if we keep coming back, we are moving in the right direction. 

I have been thinking in circles .....probably will continue somewhat for a long time ......i kept thinking in absolutes ....and in negatives .....its possible i already am living in overtime ....but it also seems ...at least for now ....that i have far more meaningfulness in my life than i thought ....and though the going is getting tougher by the moment at times , it seems also that i have alot more control than i thought ....although it is very hard to see it ....my whole life i have been taught wrong and bred to fail and cry while doing it .....but i also know that my life is not simply "mine" .....its not only about me, and that gives me more than being selfish ....if only perspective is changed 

I was about to post on my recent episodes of mas**,*?,* and generally acting out when i saw nearly the same words in a post i wrote not a month ago .....or about a month ...and i realize i have turned my problems into a cycle ....and id like to get off the ride
 

laughingman wrote on 04 Jul 2016 06:03:


LM,
That's awesome; instead of moping you actually want to do something about it. Hope it goes well!

Yea that is one of the benefits I find in this forum as opposed to live interaction. Both have their strengths. And going live means confronting the issues in the most uncomfortable and real way posible. But you can't record your meetings and your thoughts at the time. This forum has helped me in ways I did not even think imaginable when I started. keept at it. 

I aee its all happening again like before .....now i am alittle less afraid ....and alttle more afraid at the same time .....

I feel often like i have reached my end .....or my marriage......or something else ......qnd then i dont know.....but G-d who brought me from 0 to where i am ....and made a great nations greatest moments ....not in jerusalem but in the desert .....can certainly reverse my situation 

I had a long talk with my wife .....it was pretty heartwrentching.....

I have been a covert meany for a long time .....i might have something called dissociative personality disorder .....but no matter ....my errors are my own and resulted from my gross neglegence of my wife ....like dov said .....our problems in shmirah or sa or m**,**,*** are not THE problem ....but rather the symptom......

Well rather they happen hand in hand .....at least for me ....almost like a distraction ....which is what it is 

I feel.devastated that i have become this .....an abusive husband ...when i grew up learning to avoid this .....but maybe it was my hubris about my knowledge on the subject that led me to ignore the warnings ....

This week we learn about how moshe and aaron were denied entry to the land i casually live in ...and were not allowed to reverse the decree ....

I can relate ....but i continue to hope for leniency and help from Hashem as he is the only power that can help me ....i never did anything to hurt ....i was simply careless about the effects of my words and actions .....

 

laughingman wrote on 12 Jul 2016 11:06:

I took the liberty to make that correction.

I am a fellow rollercoaster rider also seeking to get off and become sane.

For what it's worth, I'm among those here for you.

From my (recently lousy) experience, I implore you not to isolate. Share with your safe people.

May you know peace and serenity.

---Eli

For what its worth ...i think im ok actually ....i am being given the chance to really give up lusting

That's great!

You're previous post seemed to sound very anguished and self-recriminating.

I am glad to hear that you are okay.

(and to see that you corrected the typo that I pointed out...)

E