I really feel for you. I'm sure you have heard this before but we are only responsible for what we can do. that is our point of bechira beyond that we are not responsible. the perspective should always be "what can I do now" because G-d who created us knows the structure of the human mind and heart and only expects what is within our reach and frankly it is not within our reach to change over night and not even in 90 days (if i may say that) i didn't read your all your posts but it seams clear to me that you had a very difficult life and have a lot of challenges and your under a lot of stress. My advise to you is pretend your son was you and you were his father and he was going through precisely what your struggling with now,how would you deal with it? would you tell him whats the point? or that he has zero chelek anyway? if he confessed that he pushed his family too hard, and has anger issues, what would you say to him?
obviously you would tell him that everything is good and you would give him love. but what if he tells you back exactly what you would say to someone if he told that to you?


what i would say if i had a 10 year old kid that hates himself and has no confidence because of his middos and his aveiros is, yes its true that these are all terrible things but so is any sickness the question is what do ya do about it 1-dwell in it because its so terrible 2-accept the fact and plan a realistic path to recovery. my guess is that you don't have anger issues in a vacuum however its how you respond when your hurt, helpless,frustrated and not understood. and after you relapse you direct all that anger on your self.
sobriety is not just about the numbers or the concept of being clean its also about replacing this unhealthy coping method (that is well developed by now) with healthy ones. and i can tell you from experience that even though I'm still struggling that thought of being free from this addiction is not threatening Im actually confident that i will have a healthy life even without my addiction.

I do this exercise all the time and its tremendous and externalizing and thinking objectively.
i hope i was of any help.

Thank you ...the feedback is greatly appreciated ....i usually decide in the end to keep going ...if anything my resolve doubles ....and even if i did what i do right from this point on for nothing ...which i dont really believe is possible ....it would be worth it ....

Oh laughingman...your pain hurts me so, and i wish i could give you a hug and tell you what an amazing person you are. Such gevura! We're all here for you, and we all love you so much.

Thank you for sharing. We create a lot of wreckage along the way, but before we clear away the wreckage of the past, we have to get right with ourselves now.

I live in fear of what awaits me at the end of this life ....everyday i try to do as much as possible but i am handicapped soo thats difficult .....i spend alot of time relaxing .....right now i have a throat problem soo i guess thats my latest excuse ......

But He is forgiving and merciful ....

positive thinking ....i have been resisting temptations lately .....under the feeling that none of these things will fix my problems if i give in ....only make things worse .....and i need my relaxings to keep me in the not giving in area

Hey l.m.
It hurts to read how your feeling these days, I just wanted to mention that I take a lot of support from your thread and I really look forward to seeing a new post from you!

Hatzlacha to you!

on the path ....through the falls and ups ....one starts to see a pattern .....like that every time one m********* one feels intense fear ..... often days later ...and every time one gave in to look, even through all the dopamine he could also feel the sadness .... for even were his twisted fantasy to appear before him ....he knows giving in would be the death of him at least in a sense .....and if hes married then for REAL! ......these are the very real and very concrete personal consequences I personally have experienced recently during falls ....realizing slowly after 2 1/2 years of keeping tabs on my behavior here after nearly 4 years combating temptations even through gye earliest times ....seeing not abstract pain to be felt by my soul to which I am physically numb ..............but very real personal suffering ....that if I let it my brain will try to insist never happen .....dopamine unregulated causes physically the severe depression promised in countless chazal for those who dare violate what is called THE bris kodesh

I'm here with you, like everyone else, and have confidence that you'll make it through it. There's more strength and determination and pure, unbridled neshama in your posts than I've read in a while. It's very clear to me that you're a very, very special person to HaShem, very clear. Sometimes, being that special person means not knowing you're that special person. But know you are, and remind yourself of it often.

I am declaring here and now ....that i have determined .....through grand introspections and what is maybe called "cheshbon nefesh" ....that i can remember now and pinpoint to a T exactly how much leeway i was given by Hashem in my past durinv my struggle and exactly when my falls became more a big joke on my part and the real consequences of my actions were allowed to officially begin .....and i was shown the fruit of my un-labor .....that others now suffer without realizing ....and i caused others to distance themselves from Him ....even that they would swear on oath that it is not my fault ......i know the truth ......and i also know there is 0 chance for teshuvah .....for i have cause others to sin .....through my refusal to.take this eriously enough ....and i had ample chance and opportunity ......my wife used to say ...." you can only break a vase soo many times before repair is impossible" ....and people are sometimes compared to pottery ....i am saying it here ....learn from my example ......these things cause REAL PAIN even sitting alone in the dark doing things you shouldnt alone .....will eventually find a way to hurt others ....even if you dont care if you yourself got some sort of reprecussions....which can and Do happen ....testing His patience is Not recomended ...not in the desert and not now ......i only pray for the opportunity to make things right ....and i ask for teffilot ....for a prisoner cannot free himself .....to Hashem for absolute mercy that the current situation be changed back .......just like the moon does every cycle .....and for the Real redemption that will free us all

Powerful post! I'd agree witha lot there except that there is 0 chance for teshuva. There's always a chance to do teshuva as long as one is alive. Otherwise, they'd be dead.

I dont know how much more i can deal with .....it turns out my wife resents me for a myriad of different things i have completely screwed up throughout our marriage .......but she insists that shs feels i am a good husband and father ......i feel like i shouldnt have even started ......i feel soo unqualified for anything .....and i could have been betted ......buf my mental disposition was there every time to mess me up ......i sit depressed nearly all day ......i feel like i dont even have Hashem anymore .....i really am just a big mistake ......im watching all my dreams fade to darkness.....i just live ......

What do you mean

I coulda told ya that myself ....unfortunately ....do to disposition, location, current daily schedual etc. Finding support in this area is very difficult ....i might have had support in the past .....but i sorta ruined it ....or others did ....no matter ....the point is that right now indont really have who to turn to as a set destination

Wow Laughingman my heart goes out for you, its sounds really tough

I will be"h daven for you as soon as i get off the site. We all can't wait to see Laughingman laughing again.

I think 9494 is 100% right. Give it a shot if you can get any kind of support.

And of course pour your heart out to our Father in heaven whether you feel him close or not he is with you throughout all your pain and misery. He is there at your side crying along with you and will be wiping away those tears from your face very soon be"h.

Hope to hear from you on a better note in the near future.
We all love you. And please remember to love yourself as well.

I will give a perfect example of what im talking about .....

I would love to join a live group but .....living in israel that seems alittle tough fyi i dont live in yerushalyim OR telaviv or modiin ...

Phone groups are great sounding ....but dovs 12 step group is 7 pm my time .....and on mondays and thursdays till the end of the school year (june 30) especially ....cause the kids have basketball ....and the rest of the time 7 is usually dinner ....though during summer it might be easier .....but in the summer america goes to vacation mostly

I dont really have anyone live here who i can open up to like i do here especially the frankness ....my wife is actually very understanding about what im doing here .....and very supportive ....but i dont involve her
...she has enough things to deal with....

Theres always more but thats just a glimpse of the chess like nature of my current routine..