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Hashem, please open up the road for me!!!
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 92251 Views

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 04 Apr 2013 04:09 #204184

Just want to explain why day after Pesach was a big trigger, first of all the exhaustion of all the clearing away, then the anti climax of the Kedusha of Pesach. The not looking forward to going back to work, (I always go back the day after אסרו חג)
I went shopping with wife today, I was not used to being Shomer Enayim, but I did try, during Pesach there were not so many opportunities to see so many ladies.
Any tips on how to remind myself about Shmiras Enayim. specially now it will get harder.
We are not fighting the YH as a process to get through in order to be able to get back to normal life; the fight wih the YH is the essence of our existence - Hopeing

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 04 Apr 2013 20:34 #204219

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Anything to bring your mind back from the world of fantasy to the world of reality. Sometimes I think of the lady standing by the side of the road, with a broken down car, in the rain, splashed with mud, waiting for a tow truck. Or, taking her kid to the doctor. Or, the lady herself being sick as a dog. Or, in front of her Christmas tree with her family. (side note: Once, a lady in my office came in with a cross dangling from her neck. It kind of shocked me into reality.) Obviously, this one won't work for someone Jewish.

Dov would say daven for her.

Anything that makes here more human or realize that she has no connection to you whatsoever. Reality is the enemy of fantasy.

Help Me RBS"O - Post Pesach Challenges 04 Apr 2013 23:00 #204239

Firstly, thank you my dear friends for all your advice and help. A friend of mine had a setback recently which really hurt me badly.I want to share my feelings with all my friends here so I will post a copy of the letter that I sent to him.

My Dearest Friend,
I was sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by my family when I got your message last night. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and I turned white. Thankfully noone noticed. I tell you this because I didn't even realize how much this friendship means to me until I felt my body react to your email.
My sick twisted egotistical mind coupled with the turbo powered YH makes me want to think that I am somehow better and this could not happen to me. This is plain insanity when I reflect on all my "mitzvos" of the past years. But there is nothing the YH will not harness as a weapon to ATTEMPT to destroy us.
He'll use depression and despair for you while simultaneously using conceit and arrogance on me. That's why I particularly appreciated your ending "Please take a lesson from me when you get temptations. There is nothing but sorrow and regret waiting if you give in."
This cold dose of reality allowed me to snap out of my "LALA Land" and realize how much farther ahead of me you are because you have started this journey of commitment years before you sunk as low as I did and have therefore avoided sinking to the next level.
My friend, all is not lost for me so surely for you! You have many clean enjoyable years to look forward to. Keep smiling and living in the present without letting the past drag you down or the future worry you.
As I mentioned yesterday, I am feeling quite challenged myself and your stern warning to me shook me up to my very core.
RBS"O, I davened to you to save us from the YH...PLEASE don't abandon us to his evil schemes.

I just want to end with a letter that I once read in a sefer called Karyana D'Igrisa which is a collection of letters from the Steipler Gaon ZT"L. This letter was a response to a letter written to him by a boy who was afraid of the demons he was creating with his "good deeds". The Steipler wrote that he normally does not discuss these issues but he will share one very important piece of the equation that most people overlook. Just like we create bad malochim when we sin, we create many more good malochim whenever we abstain and especially when it is with mesiras nefesh like it is for all of us perverts.
So let's do the math, 29.95 days of building legions and squadrons of the nicest highest and shiniest malochim to protect us from all bad and .5 days of bad malochim...seems like you're doing pretty OK.
I love you like a brother through good and bad. May HKB"H give us strength to get through 1 clean day at a time...not just get through but to enjoy our clean 1 day at a time to the fullest!!!

Re: Help Me RBS"O - Post Pesach Challenges 05 Apr 2013 02:30 #204293

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WOW!! very moving!
I once remember hearing that R' Ahron yosef Luria (see here for an awesome chizuk letter he authered guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/202360-Help-Need-some-chizuk-please#202398) used to stop by the door, put his hand on the mezuza and ask Hashem to help him with Shemiras einayim while he was out!!
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Day 44. Mem Daled 15 Apr 2013 22:05 #205160

Thank you RBS"O for giving me 44 clean days. Thank you all for helping and supporting me throughout this journey. Special thank you to my special Partner!
I am starting to feel my whole persona change now that I am shaking loose from the tight grip that my impulses had over my mind.
I feel the kedusha of our fellowship/friendship having an impact in my overall life.
On Friday my daughter rushed out to the airport to pick up a guest, and got into an accident and smashed up my car. My typical reaction would have been to "lose it" by screaming at her. I made up my mind that I would use this "opportunity" to enhance my relationship with her. I kept my cool, hugged her and told her all will be alright. I concealed the accident from our guests as not to embarrass her and I told her that I love her more than my car and the money to repair it.
That was a real home run. She left me a beautiful card last night thanking me for my reaction. I know that she now knows that I really love her. This ordeal will cost me $3-4,000, but I gained far more than that in respect from my wife and children.
This mission we are on is really about controlling our impulses. It is about analyzing why we want to do something that although feels good (and even overwhelmingly compelling) in the moment, is quite irrational, counterproductive and downright destructive once we take the few moments to analyze it with clarity of mind.
How much better our lives are once we allow our minds to control our impulses.
Thanks for listening. Knowing you are there really helps me maintain my clarity.

Re: Day 44. Mem Daled 15 Apr 2013 23:35 #205163

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Thanks for the wonderful lesson. Much hatzlacha on your journey.
Help free Sholom Rubashkin by giving him the zechus of Shemiras Eiynayim.  www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2809.0

Re: Day 44. Mem Daled 15 Apr 2013 23:35 #205164

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Priceless!

Re: Day 44. Mem Daled 20 Apr 2013 01:09 #205628

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Wow. that's a beautiful story.
I think that you're definitely right about this struggle making it easier to control ourselves.It's a little (not really little actually) side benefit to recovering.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 22 Apr 2013 23:08 #205760

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WOW!! that's really amazing, and very inspiring, we actually CAN control ourselves!!
Hatzlacha on the rest of your trip!! KOT!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Ady 51 22 Apr 2013 23:44 #205764

Thank you RBS"O for giving me 51 days clean. The YH is in overdrive trying to trip me up and I am having a hard time. He is trapping me and attacking me wherever I turn. My partner is a lifesaver and sharing on this forum helps me think clearly but I need S'yata D'shmaya. RBSO PLEASE HELP ME!!

Day 52 23 Apr 2013 19:01 #205793

My journey has started to be disrupted by challenge. I thank HKBH for giving me my wonderful GYE partner who is always there for me. This is a letter I just sent to him that i wish to share in the hopes that others will daven for me and give me chizzuk to get through this trying time. May HKBH pay you back kiflei kiflayim.

Hi,
I did not get your email until this morning. Thank you so much! I also liked R' Nachman's defiance to the YH. They YH and R' Nachman both know how depressed and conquered we feel after a setback and how devastating it is on our entire approach to Avodas Hashem. So they knew this is an all or nothing battle to death for the survival of our spirituality.
I don't know why or what but ever since I hit day 50, I am under a full YH attack. I feel like I am walking on the edge of a precipice with death attracting me in a titillating fashion to jump over the edge. Every time I go to the washroom I am playing with fire. I feel like I am climbing a slippery slope and I have lost traction and am hopelessly holding on to a small string but am thinking that comfort and pleasure await me on the bottom. I have so much tension that I "need" to release. The temptation to just succumb beckons to me like a mother to a child and I yearn for the comfort that my fantasy tells me I will have by just letting go and slipping down the mountainside.
When I am engulfed in lust like now, even my wife cannot save me as I am now sensitive to the reality that if I do not mentally overcome this feeling, anything I do with my wife will feed the monster rather than pacify.
Writing to you is the only tool in my arsenal that lets me cool down and look at things rationally. I know if I succumb, I will "lose" the 50 hard days that I just enjoyed. I know that if I succumb I will not be comforted or feel good. My tension will not be released and the monster will not be pacified. My YH is like an Islamic terrorist who celebrates when he senses my weakness and redoubles his effort when he sees me struggling. The only way to scare him away is to show him a tough impenetrable defense system that will tell him to go try elsewhere because I will not give in. I need to show him that I have back up troops and rugged reinforcement that I can call up when I am in trouble. When he sees my partner davening for me and even willing to forfeit anonymity to save my soul, he knows that we are a force to be reckoned with.
This morning, while engulfed in a cloud of confusion and lust, I said Iggeres HaRamban and begged HASHEM to honour the promise of the RMBN that heaven will answer the request of anyone who reads the Igeres that day. I begged Hashem to protect me, my partner and all of us struggling so hard who want to overcome this challenge and give us great spiritual and physical health and long life.
Although I have much to do at work today and my challenges are not usually during my busy work day, I am writing this to get some clarity for myself and to prepare myself for what might await me tonight when the day starts to wind down.
RBS"O, you know how hard and nearly impossible it is to stop myself when I am in the heat of the battle, so I am trying to fight the YH when I am relatively safe in my office at work. Please accept my attempt at defense and stand in front of me to protect me from all harm. I really really want to be a Yarei Shamayim so I am preparing myself so please please help me in the Z'chus of the RMBN.
Thank you so much for being there for me. It really means the world to me.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 23 Apr 2013 21:06 #205816

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You...are...awesome

Period.
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 23 Apr 2013 21:09 #205819

I am not feeling very awesome right now. I don't feel safe and I'm experiencing the nagging of the YH. I want to succumb but I don't want to? I just have to hold on until it passes.
Thank you for your chizzuk.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 23 Apr 2013 21:13 #205821

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I'm sure that you don't feel terribly awesome right now but if you get through this, you will be able to look back at this moment as a great source of chizuk for a long long time.

I'm davening for your hatzlocho.

Eli
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 30 Apr 2013 03:51 #206204

I am embarrassed and humiliated to have to inform you that I fell badly yesterday. The YH was nagging me for a week. I should have called you yesterday but I gave in to the YH convincing me how badly I needed relief. It was a very bad day for me as I fell multiple times while "trying to get it out of my system" . The worst part about my fall is that I am not devastated like I expected. I feel relieved to have gotten some relief. I was slipping the whole week and just could not break free and finally I just lost it yesterday.
After I fell the first time, I realized that I was still craving and I fell again and again until finally I told myself that if I don't get up and start again, I will lose all the hard work to shake this destructive habit.
I read the handbook section on falling which was a big Chizzuk for me. Especially the point encouraging me not to feel like my efforts and other avodas Hashem are worthless because of this fall. It quotes a Rebbe as saying that Hashem wants and enjoys our teffilos even if we are holding the bloody knife with which we just committed murder while we are davening. So I have just started again.
One of the things that really bothered me when I started this journey is the fact that I didn't even feel guilty after an orgy of porn and masturbation. This is what I spoke with Dov about when I first started. His response was tough to absorb but correct nonetheless. He said, "Who do you think you are? Some Tzaddik? You are a baal Taavah plain and simple. You are probably not even an addict based on how you describe your problem, just a simple baal taavah. Why do you have the chutzpah to "EXPECT" to deserve true Charatah and T'shuvah for your sins. Your job now is just to daven to HASHEM and work towards becoming sober with Hashem's help. Leave the T'shuvah and charatah up to HASHEM, and daven that maybe one day he will grant you that as well". And so with that sobering and humbling thought, I started my journey then just as I will continue it now.
I learnt 2 things from my fall. Firstly, when I slipped last week, I was tormented as to if that was a slip or a fall. At that point at first I decided to move on and if I manage to get out of the rut, allow myself to call it a slip. The YH would not have it that way so he connived me into googling masturbation to see how it is defined. This was like walking into a burning building to see if I was burnt from the flames that touched me through the window. It was a hook inside me that would not let go until my relief yesterday. I should have discussed this issue with you, made a decision and moved on. Even if you would have considered it a fall, at least I would have moved on and not had the disaster from yesterday.
The second thing I learned from this is how this habit destroys my life. Being free for the 50 days made me learn better, daven better, learn with my children better, and work so much more focused and better. It also made me a much better husband both in and out of the bedroom.
The past week as I was struggling, all of the above suffered terribly. Today was the first productive day I have had in a week after being so distracted last week.

Finally, the chizzuk email from yesterday was fabulous. I listened to the speech from R' Dovid Gross and it really helped me so much! I feel like the wounded sheep who is crying to Hashem to free me from the Amalek that has taken over my mind. Hopefully, the hashpaoh from Chodesh Iyar and Lag B'omer will help me win the fight and struggle with the demons that are fighting for control of my mind.
I feel much better today although it was very painful to have to admit that I fell and lost 50 days towards my 90 day journey.
Thank you so much for listening and being there for me. I really need your help getting to my goal and I hope you have not lost all respect for me after what I have just done.
From the bottom of my broken heart,
Yossi
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