pischoshelmachat wrote:
WOW!!! What a powerful post. Thank you so much. It will take me some time to digest all you wrote. I am so strenghtened just by seeing how you care to take the time to read my post, focus on it and try to put yourself in my frame of mind and then provide me with such chizzuk. I'm sure you have plenty to do but you gave me some precious time. Thank you for that..
The fact that you got chizzuk, gives me chizzuk, so thank you!
pischoshelmachat wrote:
I don't like thinking about things that I have done because I am afraid of what my memories can trigger. As Reb Nosson ZT"L once said in an Ellul Shmooze, "Men Tor Nisht Gribblen in der Blotteh"
Firstly, that is not what you wrote above. You wrote
pischoshelmachat wrote:
I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am.
Secondly, I agree with you to a degree. It really depends how it is done. I joined one of the 12 step phone conferences from GYE. One of the most difficult (and most important) things I did was to do a first step inventory. I wrote down my entire history of acting out. I then read it (really paraphrased it) to the group. I can tell you that it did not trigger me at all. It was quite a humbling experience. At the same time it was a very liberating experience. It is hard to describe, but being able to articulate it was a very important step for me.
A lot of the work has to do with "getting out of Hashem's way" so to speak. The ultimate goal of the 12 steps (as I understand it) is really humility. Humbly accepting what Hashem has in store for us. Much of our acting out doesn't really come from ta'avah. It comes from being uncomfortable with life for one reason or another. Acting out is just a drug that makes life more bearable (in the short term). The humble acceptance that Hashem runs the show and we are just here to do his will releives us of that stress so we have no need to act out.
Thirdly, can you translate the yiddish phrase. I am somewhat yiddish impaired. I undertand only a bissel
.
pischoshelmachat wrote:
Please explain what you mean let go but don't give in.
I will try. Many of these concepts came to me gradually. Some I am still fuzzy on. I'm no expert, I am just trying to share my experience.
Often times, I would have a good streak for a period of time. Then I would be waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and have a conversation with myself that went something like this.
"I have a good streak going don't look at that magazine."
"But I really want to look."
"But it's not good for you."
"Why does Hashem put me in theses situations? How does he expect me to pass? It's not fair."
To me, "letting go" means letting go of my expectations. My little conversation with myself is my selfish desire for something, and my wish that Hashem wouldn't put it in front of me. How many times did I wish that acting on my desires was just muttar? That is
ME trying to run the show.
ME trying to tell Hashem what
I think is good for
ME. I need to trust Hashem to run the show.
I need to "let go" of my desire, not struggle with it. Struggling, is just a way of hanging on to it. Letting go, is the feeling that it is not for me. Struggling, means I really want it and wish Hashem would let me have it.
There was a good story posted here a while back about a chassid who was walking with his rebbe. (I hope I'm telling it correctly) They passed a lady stuck in a pit. The rebbe helped her climb out. The rebbe and the chassid continued walking. Finally, the chassid asked the rebbe "how could you touch that woman?" The rebbe replied, "I touched her for a moment (
and then let go- my comment), you have been carrying her with you this whole time (
and are still struggling - my comment)".
I'm not sure if I am being clear. Maybe dov will pop in and enlighten us.