I have made a tapshic, so I have a 7 (i think) step plan on what to do when I feel the urge, I have also planned to read a bit from the GYE books each day among other things. Effectively what I'm doing is planning out my days in advance, because I know that in the past, boredom has led to acting out. Tonight I felt the urge very strong, however it was the first time I did not go on the computer! Because I knew that anything that I typed in related to it, would be monitored and I would get charged a great deal of money! (KBA software). This was a deterrent to stop me, and it worked! But I know that I need to change my way of thinking, so slowly I am reforming my ways.

so after 2 years of putting up filters and boundaries in place, it all came crashing down on me. Within a matter of weeks between each other. Covenant eyes crashed on my brothers laptop and he found out that I put covenant eyes on it without him knowing. I made out it was a virus and that I once checked my email and it must of downloaded, and then a few weeks later my mums computer crashed and she found out about it!! I'm sure they looked up what it is, I just don't know what to do. when my sister was on the phone trying to uninstall it, the guy asked if we were jewish and the only way to get it was to be part of web chaver, luckily because of his american accent (we are british) my sister thought he meant web hopper and told my mum that haha. I just hope they do not find out. My life is a mess at the moment, I work hard to put all these boundaries in place and this happens! why would this happen to me! I've fallen 3 times in a matter of days because there are 4 unfiltered laptops in the house, and one ipad! My family are not religious, so I can't do anything about this problem, no - one would understand.
People say that before u can recover properly , you need to put filters up. Well i have no chance now, luckily my family believe it was a virus and are not looking into it, fortunately. REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW - I'm kind of at a standstill

WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take a big deep breath. In and out! Lets calm down. Its ok. Everything is ok.

Remember that just because you put filters doesn't mean that you want fall. And even if you have or go on a computer that is unfiltered, you don't need to fall.

Welcome back! Are you doing anything else but filtering for recovery? How about telling your Rebbi? Or anyone on GYE? Thats usually a great first step!

newbeginning

i don't have the answer but i know one thing we can't quit because we fall i just fell from
24 clean days that I enjoyed and learned from but i am not stopping and you evidently aren't either
because your on here so hang on it will get better

ewards

Wow, I feel for you!!

There were many times when I tried something to "handcuff" me and was all upset at Hashem for sending me a way out!! of course, I have a special punishment for when I get angry.....

But it's not that that Hashem wants, and it's not filters that make it or break it. Filters goes into the category that Roy says in the white book "I would ask G-d to take it away so that I wouldn't have to give it up". I need to learn how to live and accept life and it's difficulties without this crutch!!

I have this deep rooted belief that I can't handle discomfort well, and so I need a cushion. Well, I have learned from others that there is no need for that cushion, I can give it up and learn to live life maturely, dealing with one thing at a time!!

In order to do that I need the help of understanding friends so that I can express my feelings and deal with them correctly, without them I get all mixed up in my own head, and since I tell myself that I can't handle it, I act out.

Have you opened up to anyone yet? Maybe it would be a good idea to open up to your parents, chances are that they will respect you and support you after seeing that you are trying your best to do what's right.

If you can't do that yet, how about getting in touch with people from here, we're all going through the same thing, there really isn't anything to be afraid of.

And finally, use the forum!!! It's here for you to use as a tool, it's not just for fun!!

KOT!!!!! KOMT!!

Pidaini wrote:


Nice line.

Hey!

Today is my 35th day clean! BH A record for me since I have been trying to stop this problem!
Over the last week or so I have been feeling extremely angry at nearly every little thing, I have also been swinging from moments of extreme happiness to severe depression. Don't get me wrong, its great to feel these emotions and explore them as for so many years I became numb to them. Just wondering what everyones experience is like with withdrawal symptoms throughout their recovery, and at what stage it happened?

Eli

Welcome back.
Great news.
Buckle down.
Reach out to others.
B'hatzlachah

newbeginning wrote on 21 Feb 2016 12:35:

You are doing a great job! 35 days! 

KUTGW!!!