As always amazing energy in your post!

I find the humbling thing is, like tons of stuff, is a new start every day... SO hard to keep realizing it...

Much love

Thanks for all the chizzuk

A gutte voch to GYE!!

I can't say that I'm doing very well, that just wouldn't be the truth and not honest.

I had a very productive conversation on Friday, and I now need to let out the following:

I am at a low tolerance level. I feel like if I have a wet dream (which should be coming very soon in the near future based on all the lusting I've been doing) and I won't be able to call anyone, and I will really want to fall, then I won't be able to not fall.

Although I feel that way, I know it's not true. I know that sex is optional no matter what happens, and I can accept the situation for what it is without resorting to porn! I need help living that though, right now all I can use is GYE and Hashem.

GYE, done. Next is Hashem....Done (for now, there's never enough of that, but then again, there's never enough of GYE either )

See y'all tom, iy"h!!

Good Morning!!

BH, still very much here, even better than last night (because I've only been up for about an hour so didn't have any chances to ruin it yet )

Thank You Hashem!! and Thank You GYE!!

BTW, that dream did not come, although I had two really REALLY peculiar dreams which had nothing to do with lust at all (they were the type where I woke up feeling physically tense....can't even remember it now though)

See y'all later!!!

Have a great day!! (or good night, whichever works!)

maybe you can to elaborate on what caused the low tolerance level?
and maybe it doesn't matter?
it is because you find that since you are not in regular schedule, you get ruffled more often?
the other week, i almost fell, what happened?
my browser crashed and i had to use a different one without my setups, which keep me in line.
all of a sudden, it hits me, pictures, surfing, clips, youtube...
and i hear a voice" wait you're clean!!" "this ain't for you".
and then i ran to gye. {thank-Hashem for gye}.

To make it clear, i was putting too much emphasis on the dream. The problem is in the moment, the fact that if something were to happen the way I feel now then I would give in because I feel it's my right not to have to deal with so much.

BH, that too was better this morning, that feeling had gone away during the night.

What caused the low tolerance? Probably my slipping and trying to stop, otherwise known as white-knuckling.

Slipped again, and I'm getting sick and tired of it. This has to go one of two ways....So far, it's been life. One decision at a time.

Gonna call two people in a few minutes. I will discuss how I am here to do what Hashem wants regardless of what my expectations or preferences are, and thus if I want to be happy I need to surrender those and accept the life that I have now. (BTW, life is really great, I'm just being a party pooper)

OK, enough for that.

Any experience is greatly appreciated!

a few comments.

1. May the RBs"O be with you in all your issues and may you merit hatzlachah and brachah....you deserve it.
2. It's difficult for me to comment from experience on the slippin' and stoppin', slippin' and stoppin' routine, for whatever reason, once I joined here, I was able to stop, and when I fell those three times, I didn't slip....I just had a prolong fall.
3. What do you mean by slippin'? Are you surfin' the internet? Are your blocks satisfactory? Are you lookin' on streets? Are you fantasizin'? Perhaps identify to yourself or to others the nature of the slip, and perhaps the trigger or cause can be determined.
4. Lastly, in the collage of your posts that I posted on the previous page, there are multiple times where you talk about 'control.' Either your frustration that you are not in control of this part of your life, or to others that they shouldn't expect to control it. You have an expectation (your words, not mine) that this should not be happenin' to you, and IMHO, this is your number one issue (and I think I mentioned this several times...either on phone, in chat, or in postin') that you simply cannot handle this fact. I know I am repeatin' but you asked for comments and we know what Ramchal writes in the beginnin' of M"Y, step # 1 is acceptance. It is acceptance of our situation - as dismal as it may seem to us. you write how your life is great; it is a party, and yet you beat yourself to lust oblivion over the fact that you have desires for women. Rav Matisyahu Solomon has said countless of times and many before him that if a person feels that a certain nisayon keeps poppin' up by him and is constantly repeatin' itself (like the ugly boppin' heads that keep showin' themselves no matter how many times you slug 'em), that is a sure sign that this is your mission in life and this is the reason you were placed here and this is what God wants you to be misgaber over, become victorious and perhaps possibly lead the charge over the rest of His Nation in this battle. You might use terms like "it's not fair," and "I didn't ask for it," and "A holy person like me shouldn't have to spend his day/night thinkin' about naked women, for it stains and blemishes my pure neshamah," but the fact is that God feels otherwise, and He expects you (not what you expect), but He expects you to be the warrior and sleigh this mighty dragon from within you. Reb Pidaini, by this time, you and many others will be scratchin' their heads and saying, "Cordnoy/Avrohom, what da hell has gotten into you?" and yes, you will be right that it's kinda strange for me, but you and others also know that I have said countless times "whatever works for you," and therefore I am goin' on like this, for although it might not be the winnin' argument for me, it may very well be the one for you. [And as an added note, I have spoken to my therapist from Israel who is an expert in certain fields of psychology and methods, and many times we have discussed as to how my body feels at certain times and "Do I feel it in my shoulders or fingers?" and although I don't remember completely what they meant, I do know that durin' this post, my fingers were extra sensitive and I had super doses of feelin's in them (and it was not due to the length of this post, for I am used to typin'), which indicates that I as well should read what I wrote for myself.]

Oh, and thanks for chuckin' the dream stuff.

b'hatzlachah....all the best

Both people couldn't talk (should've known).

Next two...coming up.

Slipped again, and I'm getting sick and tired of it. r.y.p
reb yankel, I really thinking of you, and davening for your success.
i'm sure many others feel the same way.
maybe that getting sick and tired of it, is a good sign that you're ready to move on.
i'm sure you'll find the next step that you need,
chazak chazak, venischazaik.

Pidaini wrote:


i'm sorry about that....

i was in middle of talking to my wife and i said whats this weird number calling and sure enough its pidaini and i was scared if she askes me who was the weird number, but b"h someone knocked on the door so i was saved from having to tell her who and what does pidaini mean,(btw what was that number?),

try again, and KOMT!!!!

Thank You all!!!

and now for a more direct response to both lavi and cordnoy. After talking to two friends (finally) I had a few insights (cordnoy, it may be too much thinking for you, so tread carefully)

Yes, it is a control problem, but not the one you mentioned. Regarding having desires, I'm mostly ok with that. What I'm not ok with is double trouble, meaning that there is a very clear underlying problem and the lust, that I don't like.

That is what brings the low tolerance as well, because I don't want to have the underlying problem yet I'm not ready to accept it leads to inevitable lusting....

SO, in conclusion, I'm in a place where I don't enjoy being. I don't have a set schedule, very little social life, perceived pressure of expectations that people have of me, and lot's of opportunity.

That is all something that if I am ready to, I could accept. Until I do, I have this crazy cycle.

Hashem, please grant me (by definition that means that it's not because I deserve it, not in the least, but I'm asking you because I don't have another choice, and you are the only one who can give it to me) the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can (specifically my attitude towards the next ten days of my life). And here, regarding this particular thing, you have already granted me the wisdom to know the difference!!

P.S. I just read the chizzuk email......how timely

chizzuk email wrote:

Too much thinkin' it isn't, but I can't say I understand all the subtleties.
Some I have questions on; others I don't follow.
but whatever.....

One thing I will ask....you say "double trouble" is what irks you.
so this underlyin' problem by itself...you are kewl with?
Are you really?
I am not arguin' or questionin'....I merely want you to say it or verbalize it that whatever that problem is, you are fine with.

Secondly, it 'inevitably' leads to lust!?
On whose standards?
Is there anythin' that is inevitable?
Yes, if a person is a lifeguard on a French beach, I imagine lust is inevitable, but barrin' that, how can it be inevitable?

In conclusion, you can daven and that always helps, but ultimately, some action is needed to deal with this "double trouble."

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy,
it seems that reb yankel is uncomfortable about discussing all the p'ratim, maybe give him an email.

Lavi,

my email is thenewme613@hotmail.com.

I am in constant touch with Pidaini.

Thanks for the tips though.

cordnoy wrote:


Sorry, I am being unclear for a very very very complicated reason, I'll try explaining it though. I am being unclear because.....I am not clear!!! (imagine that! )

It is the underlying problem that is the big issue, the one that really has to be addressed. Being that I feel uncomfortable in the situation that I'm in was not accepting and embracing it I naturally tend to escape it, and my way of escape is similar to the ways of others here on this site (I think).

That is what I meant by the "inevitable lusting", that if I continue to refuse to accept the discomfort then inevitably I need to escape it because the discomfort is there!

BH, through talking with understanding friends about acceptance and life being ok just as is and with a whole bunch of help from above, today was a lust free day!! As I have noted in the past falls that I was in isolation, this time I did what I could not to stay in myself.

I am not out, but I feel like I have my feet on solid ground and able to take the next step, one step at a time, one decision at a time!

Thank You all so much for the support and help!!

BH, I feel back on track!!

I had a few cool things that happened, I can only remember one right now.

Yesterday late afternoon, after trying to help out calmly in a chaotic atmosphere (try it, it gets on everybody's nerves, "Why are you so calm?! Can't you get a bit frazzled?!" and I'm thinking, "Sure, just give me a good looking woman to look at, I'll go nuts!!") I realized that I needed to daven Mincha, but being that the chicken was already being warmed up....that meant that I'd have dried out chicken when I got back!!

My instinct was to say something nasty to my wife about how nothing goes right in her parents house and go on from there to complaining as to why they can't be more organized, etc. Instead I heard myself saying "Nu, Nu, I did what I was supposed to do today, a little dried chicken won't hurt me"

I was so happy!!! I felt like it was worth everything I went through only to be able to look at the situation that way, and I actually gained much more!!

Nobody's allowed to bring that up in the future when I start complaining about why Hashem made me this way, dadadadada

It's getting much more hectic as more and more people are arriving for the simcha, and each person makes the atmosphere a bit more tense which invites me to join them.

Hashem should help me remember to take it one step at a time, one decision at a time. May He grant me to be able to make the right decisions as well!!

Thank you all again!!

Let's Keep On MONSTUH Trucking!!!!