openness....

let it all out here.

write the longest post you have ever written in your life.

your feelin's, your actions, your desires and wants.

write your story....I don't necessarily mean your past; I mean the present. You very often post for a week and then let us know that you have been struggling with this, that or the other thing.

Like usual, I might be wrong, outta place and outta line, but perhaps....

b'hatzlachah

Pidaini wrote:


you were missing life but now with your karma gematria chaim what could you be missing

oops, I turned around too long and now its gematria hadas instead of lulav

Can't wait 'till I get to esrog!!

I've been very upset about the fact that I've had desires lately. I'm not supposed to because I'm in touch with people and go to meetings!! So I must be doing something wrong........?????...ME?! doing something wrong?!

Well, after talking to some friends, they helped me realize that it's fine not be perfect, and even if I do get desires that doesn't mean that I have to act on them!!

Thank you everyone again and have a great Shabbos!!

This is what people are tellin' me as well.
Should I beat myself up, for I know that I will act upon one of my desires eventually?
Firstly, who says I will?
And secondly, it is no concern for the present.
Do I have desires right now?
Well, right now...no.
But have I had desires in the past weeks?
Yes.
Have I entertained some fantasies in the past weeks?
Yes, but I haven't let 'em penetrate too deep.
Will I be alone (my ultimate trigger) in the next month?
Yes....my manipulative side of me arranged that.
What will happen?
It's not today's concern.
How much should I think about it?
Not too much - if at all.
Nevertheless, I still must stay vigilant and keep workin' the program...whatever program that may be.


So, now that I spoke about myself, perhaps the same is with you.
you are workin'.
You are improvin'...drastically.
You still have desires?
that's acceptance.....seems we always will.

b'hatzlachah
Stay safe

Thanks friend,

Shabbos morning nap landed me with an awful (or awesome depending on what mood I'm in) dream, the worst being that I remember almost every detail!! I get kinda isolated on Shabbos, and was starting to sulk, I did the best that I could, I talked to Hashem, and He helped!!

I told Him that I was in a bad mood and sort of triggered by the dream, to add to it I was being very hard on myself emphasising tiny things that I want to change and making them seem like if I'm not doing them I'm not doing anything right. I asked Him to help me continue doing what I know is really right, and to let those thoughts just flow by.

BH, I'm in a better place now, going to sleep a little earlier, one night at a time!!

Thank You for listening!!
A gutte, safe, voch!!

hi
BH, I'm in a better place now, going to sleep a little earlier, one night at a time!!-p'daini.

early to sleep
and early to rise
keeps a man, healthy
wealthy and wise

Just for the record, I didn't get to sleep early, but it had nothing to do with me. Stan got up, and then Zlatah Yenta's noise machine wasn't working, but that's the beauty of life....dealing with things as they come!

At OINK today, as I was sharing that I'm in a terrible mood, the chevra somehow brought out what I have been trying to hide (mostly from myself, even though I wrote a little bit about it earlier), I've been acting out lately......

Yes, I've been playing Block'd on my Nokia c2-01!!

Now, that miay not seem like the end of the world, but for me that is exactly what it is...it is a way for me to end this world and dive into a different one!! Add to that that I've been spending much more time on the computer, I need to know every time some siren goes off anywhere in Israel, no? Once I'm on I check my email, GYE, start responding....time goes halfway down the drain!!

It's that "halfway" that keeps me doing it, but in all honesty, I'm doing it too much. So hence forward I am going to cut down and instead of just getting on the computer, stop and ask myself if I really need this now, and if I do, well....I'll probably be a while, don't have any grand ideas right now.....except for maybe to ask Hashem to help me just do what I need to do and then go on with life.

Thanks everybody for listening, this is a lot of fun!!!

ok, understood. but if cut down on the time you spend on gye,we're gonna have to take away karma points and take other desparate measures to show you that we mean business!!
but really it is sadly true, escaping on computer or any of our gizmos( here i'm talking about myself)is a phase that has to be confronted sooner or later. i wonder what i would look like if i had done constuctive things in that time.
however i would draw a line between escaping and using the gadgets for good things. But in all honestly, i wonder if the good outweighs the bad on a total scale?

Pidaini wrote:


that sounds like a pretty grand idea in my book,

and this is alot of fun:woohoo:

OK, I miss porn.

Just saying.

I hadn't surrendered the notion that if I want to play Block'd then I should, even though I wrote that I shouldn't be playing it, and I have wasted at least an hour a day these past few days doing so, I guess I thought that I wouldn't really want to any more or maybe I just didn't want to see that it really takes away from life, whatever the case it has gotten to me. I did finally surrender, verbally, this morning to Hashem, and by the meeting again together with others, the need to give into the desire to play Block'd.

May Hashem help me and us all to a sane and productive day!!

OK, I miss porn. - p'daini.
why?

the need to give into the desire to play Block'd. - p'daini
is block'd blocking you?

question: do you have any short term ambitions that you want to fill?
it may help you unblock your potential AND maybe you won't miss porn.

Hey I get it, I miss porn too. In fact I miss masturbating even more. Because they feel GREAT.

I know, I know, the consequences of me indulging in those things are bad, and therefore I am not. I don't miss it enough to take on those consequences. My goal in sobriety is to live my life in a way that I never have to get to a point that I miss it so much that I feel it is worth dealing with the consequences.

But I still remember how awesome it feels to get into the oblivion to all my problems that porn and masturbation gives me. So, I hear you Yankel.

BH, I feel better today.

Thank you MBJ for that, just goes to prove once more that this is a place where I can share my feelings and feel understood!!

lavi wrote:


It actually has more to do with little things that bother me, i.e. not getting to sleep when i should, not leining KRISSH the way I wanted to (or not at all), not brushing teeth (nothing will happen if I don't brush tonight, and that happens many nights in a row), shmoozing more than I expected to in Beis Medrash, etc.

Last night, after posting and surrendering Block'd before I got ready for bed, I was also able to lein KRISSH with some kavanah, and I brushed my teeth as well!

BTW, there's a new riddle to ask people now, What does brushing your teeth have to do with lust?

be careful who you ask it to though