Yankel i just wan't to welcome you back!!!

its been a while since you have been fully here but i see your back to yourself 8 posts in one hour great to have you back!!!!

First off, I really wanted to thank the entire GYE oilam for being here (and for those of you who are reading this but haven't yet joined, please do me a personal favor and post, even only one post (because I doubt you'll be able to stop afterwards anyway). I can't begin to on second thought, I can begin to describe to you what it would be like without everyone. It would go something like this:

Pesach Night-"No way, I'm ever falling again, Hashem is taking me out of mitzrayim and we're on our way to EY!!!!"

First day chol Hamoed- "let's see how that worked...did Hashem take it away?" (fall through chol hamoed, feel disconnected with wife, she thinks that it's that I don't like her parents.....[chorus]call best friend, cry that i don't want to etc.)

Shvi'i shel pesach - "Krias Yam Suf, AH, going through with a high head, no looking back at the mitzriyim!!"

Isru chag "are the mitzriyim still there....I think I can see them!! let me double check...." (fall again, [chorus]cry to best friend, numb throughout flight back to EY)

First day of zman (without chavrusah in the morning) "I'm gonna make the best of this, get there on time, learn geshmak, do what I want to learn!!"

A few days in - wake up late, get depressed, go into bathroom.....call best friend, cry....

Lag B'omer - Go to Miron (look at every other lady on the way) say all of tehillim, "R' Shimon will poil ois that all this should stop"

Next day - tired, in bad mood.........[chorus]

Erev shavuos..................

Now, it's very different, very different, extremely different.

There is honesty, there is reality, even falling is different. There is understanding and encouragement of one best friend x all of GYE!!! There is advice, direction, humor, friendship like no other, acceptance of whoever you are and therefore being able to express my ugliest feelings.

So thank you all, and especially for those who upped my karma!!!

just upped your Karma again feel free to ask whenever its needed

Pidaini wrote:


And for those who clicked the "thank you" button for the all time leader!

Pidaini wrote:



Please pardon my being such an Am Haaretz but can some 1 tell me please
How do u up someones karma and what does a high karma number signify??

there is a plus or minus sign next to someone's name on left side of screen. addin' karma means that is one falls, he doesn't need to count it - if his karma is positive; if it's negative, a slip is then a fall also. If you like someone's post, click the thank you on bottom of post and click the plus sign by his karma. a high positive karma also shows a person that he better not fall, for many people are countin' on him. A high karma count also prevents one from fallin', for the karma is with him.

And as I like to quote Lorde: So there!

cordnoy wrote:


Yes, I admit I forgot about those, probably because I selfishly thought that I "deserved" them

but the truth is that nobody really has to say thank you for my posts either, for they deserve great posts!! So if they were able to be humble enough to thank me for the posts, then I ought to be able to express my appreciation for for their feedback!!

so I hereby take this opportunity to say

Thank you everyone for showing that kind gesture and giving me the good feeling of being thanked!!!

Hey Pidaini,

I have some questions for you (and for others as well).

This is partly for my benefit (and others in my situation), as I see some struggle lately, and perhaps for you as well.

Correct me if I'm wrong (which I am many times), but I seem to recall (and you confirmed it in pm) that you once had a 250 plus streak goin'. That's pretty amazin'! Now, I'm not so into the countin' of the days as bein' significant, but the total amount certainly says wonders about your commitment at the time. Then, there was a fall or two, and now, you are revisitin' the whole issue again (12 steps, other meetings, sponsors, etc.).

So I figure that you remember those feelin's you had at that time and your thought process then, so here are a few questions:

1. When you look back at those days, do you think you were on the right level (were you foolin' yourself?)?
2. Do the feelin's you had then help you now?
3. Do those feelin's make it worse for you now (perhaps depression of sorts)?
4. When you begin to slip now, how (if you do) do you shut out those feelin's and memories of bein' on a high (which I think you said that you did feel)?
5. Do you ever verbalize these (contradictory) feelin's and try to offer a reconciliation that would allow you to continue your behavior?
6. Do you have a feelin' of complacency that "I did it before; I can do it again....just now is not the right time"?

I'm lookin forward to your answers.

Thank you so much

b'hatzlachah

Your friend from across the Atlantic (and the Edens)

Thank you cordnoy for that thought provoking post!! It was a lot of fun thinking about it.

Here's the general answer, the memories that I have of those few months are really amazing. The feeling of being present, of feeling connected to reality, and of having a two way relationship with Hashem. There was a feeling of purpose that I hadn't felt for years (I think I had that feeling in my first year of yeshivah). One foot in front of the other was just the plain simple truth of life, it was peaceful and tranquil.

I remember all that with much fondness and I know that it is feasible to get there again. I think that that knowledge was/is a bit counter productive in two ways, 1) I said to myself ''you can fall one more time, you know there's a way out'' 2) since I was there once I am very reluctant to take more action than I did then.

I can't say for certain, but there are attitudes that I already have now, after only about a month clean, that took me many more weeks to get there last time. That is certainly due to the fact that I have a much clearer vision of real life now than when I was a month clean last streak.

That being said, I think there is more weight now telling me not to slip because I know what a good life I would be missing out on and messing up. nevertheless. There are still things that I am doing even though they contradict that awesome life for example.......yup, you guessed it!!! but overall I'm more aware.

I guess that what happens when I do did slip is as mentioned before, that it's like "ok, you'll get back right after this time" or "you're doing so well, this will only shlep you down a little bit".

I have never verbalized any of these feelings, not to others nor to myself, maybe i should.

that's the short version, after all I'm in middle of watching winter soldier

Thanks and enjoy!

Pidaini
BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. I thought you were..... Baruch Hashem!


KOL!

i'm physically sick

i look something like this

ok so make sure your ready for big triggers,

being home too much isn't easy,

so KOMT!!!

and don't forget to get well quick!!!

Refuah shleimah

Pidaini wrote:


so that would explain why you didn't stick to that appointment this morning.

Any way feel good, Refuah Shlaima!!