whatever you do, don't play

Happy fun times!!

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Living in the moment, letting go and letting Hashem, one foot in front of the other, make the right decision as it comes, getting out of my own head, talking to Hashem (haven't done that in THE longest time)......

so many things that I've been missing for almost two months now, and now I'm smelling them again.....it's bitter-sweet.

At this present moment, I have strong urges to JDI, don't think, JDI. and all I've been able to do is answer "JDDI, go post, JDDI". That's where it's at right now, just don't act out, whatever happens, just don't.

I don't feel all excited like I used to, but hey, one day at time, this is what I've got now, this is what I'm supposed to have now!! Especially since I'm seeing progress over the last three weeks, so that's very helpful.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other........we KOT!!!

Welcome back! nice haven you here!

KOP!

WOW!!!!! What a weekend!!!

Hashem sent me an amazing present.........A nasty burn!!! Perfectly placed on my pointing finger and thumb, the two most used fingers, and at the perfect time, during the erev shabbos rush!!

It killed, mamish burned (no kidding), and first thoughts were "now you have a great excuse" but that didn't last long BH, the next one was "how am I going to put on tefillin, twirl my peyos, scrub the pot (yeah right), do sponja (uhuh), etc. etc. etc.?" and then it came to me, THE epiphony!!!

Fightingaddictionnow put up a post regarding whiteknuckling vs. breaking free, and I thought to myself as follows...

"I have two choices on how to deal with this terrible burn - 1) Ignore the fact that they are there, and try to do everything the same as if the fingers weren't burnt.

2) Accept the fact that they are burnt, and learn how to deal with it.

The pro's and con's

1) PROS-I could lead a "normal" life. CONS- I will be in constant pain, I will likely get the burns infected and will have to deal with it much more in the end.

2) CONS - I will have to give up my "rights" and expectations of living my "normal" life, and protect the burns so that they don't cause me any harm." PROS-I will be comfortable and healthy and happy.

And then I hit myself over the head

OMG!!!! It's the same thing with my lust!!!!! I have two options

1) try denying the fact that I have a problem and live a "normal" life, protect my "rights"- my rights to...walk down the street normally, to get insulted and hold onto hard feelings, to be nervous and worried about the future, to be upset and try to change the past, etc.

2) Accept the fact that I have a "burn" and protect myself from it causing me harm. Doing so will entail staying away from triggers, letting go of ego, letting go of the things that are not in my control (why would I do that?!) etc.

Pros and cons

1) PROS - I can live a "normal" life and keep my rights. CONS - I am ruining my life and causing more and more harm that will only be harder to deal with later on.

2) CONS-I will need to accept the fact that I have a problem, I will need to let go of expectations, and "rights" and self. PROS - I will e ale to live a fulfilling, healthy, happy life!!

Whiteknuckling is when I'm trying to fight life's circumstances, breaking free is when I'm learning how to live with them.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(maybe writing that will help me internalize it )

yankel thats great!!!

i cant say i got it completely its a bit too deep for motzai shabbos,

the clearest part that i got was you have a burn,

and all of us do,

feel better and KOMT!!!!

Pidaini wrote:


Be careful with your anonymity there. All Shabbos I was checking peoples fingers. Fortunately for you, if your into sponja, we must be on different continents.

Anyhow, hope it feels better by now. And hope your (white) knuckles are better too.

Hatzlacha

MT

After writing the above post I read an article in last week's Mishpacha about a woman who was, Lo aleinu, diagnosed with cancer and told the in the best case scenario she has 9 years to live.

There are a bunch of things that I took out of it, not he least of was that I am starting to accept myself as a sexaholic, after all, what's the difference between a cancer patient and a sex patient?

But the piece regarding the above post is as follows

"Chani doesn't consider herself a fighter, even as the cancer has taken a turn for the worse in the past year. "I deal with the disease, I don't fight it. In a fight everyone loses. I had a friend who fought the disease and was told that she had won, that her body was clean and free of cancer. Six months later, she passed away. I live in a sort of peace with my illness. It's there' it exists, but I always tell Hashem 'Just let me live with it and we won't bother each other'.

"you see, we always have to try to change things, but it's important to know how. Dealing with a situation doesn't mean giving up. It means finding the right way to do things."

There is much more there, but that's for now.

The last two posts were gevaldike stuff....you have said some of that before I believe, but it sounds to me that this time it penetrated deeper.

Continue that mehalech...see where it takes you.

Lookin forward to hearin' great things.

b'hatzlachah

Acceptance has always been the key. Whatever the situation, it's always me not being happy about some circumstance and acceptance will take that away.

Right now, I'm finding that I'm not interested in being attracted to women, at least I'm not interested in being attracted to them if I can't use them. Accepting that I AM attracted but that doesn't mean that I have to continue staring at them or thinking about them, is working, one look/thought at a time.

I need to verbalize that to someone, at least to Hashem....gonna do that now.

This past OINK meeting I said words that I had never said before....I said "Hi, my name is Yankel, and I am a sexaholic"!!!

That is the way Hashem made me (at least right now), He made me in a way that my thoughts are very easily triggered to turn to anything sexual. Any sight of a woman will trigger a thought to look again, any form of tension will result in a thought of pacifying myself. My job is to realize that and, as written above, protect my "burn".

I need to realize that I won't die if I just let the thoughts go by, I need to ask Hashem for help to let the thoughts go by, I need to be productive in life to minimize the need for pacification.

Speaking of being productive, I wasted a lot of time the past two-three days, something like three or four hours of watching movies. Yes, I know I've sworn it off already, and yes I know that the past few falls all started with watching innocent movies, but......

So what am I going to do now? I know what I really should do, if I want solid results, but I don't want to do it. I don't want to get a sponsor and learn from someone else, I wanna do it myself, in my own comfortable way, at my own comfortable pace.

I don't want to, but I should, I think.

And to add to that, during maariv I realized that part of the justification for not going an extra step is that I did so well last zman without the extra step.

For starts "so well" is relative, for if I were to look back at my posts, I think I would find a nice amount of slipping and white-knuckling.

Secondly, in OINK we were actively working the steps together, which we are not currently doing.

Based on that, I reaffirm that I should, but I don't want to.

Maybe if you do what you don't want to, Hashem will reward you that you will not do what you want to.

Hatzlacha

MT

Your openness and honesty is a good thing.
It could be very beneficial for you.
We all should learn from that.

Acceptance and Powerlessness means exactly that....we cannot do it ourselves....I know I can't.

b'hatzlachah

Pidaini
NO WAY! that was your first time saying it? I swear you have said it before!

dms1234 wrote:


Please don't swear - it's not healthy.
שומר פיו ולשונו שומר מצרות נפשו

Hatzlacha

MT