Thanks cordnoy!!!

Just one thing.....you guessed right.....I didn't really get it

cordnoy wrote:


I think there's a different word for it, not proud. But it would be worse without the filter, I've had that already

cordnoy wrote:


Me don't care what I am, as long as I am dealing with it, and my behavior is changing.

cordnoy wrote:


Very possible, that ego and pride play a big percentage of my life., trying to change that.

but what is the "it"?

cordnoy wrote:


I didn't get that %100, I don't think that that's my problem, but maybe if you write it again differently, I will understand it better. (what do you mean by "blame it on something else"?)

cordnoy wrote:


I will never forgive anyone for trying to help me help myself

cordnoy wrote:


AMEN!!!!

P.S. As a 1st step assignment that I gave myself, I am writing why I want to stop and what I am willing to do for that goal. Maybe that will clarify things for both me and everyone else.

This morning, during davening (obviously, when else?), something hit me. Probably because of what cordnoy wrote, regarding the temptation to find a way around the filter and TaPHSiK.

The thought that popped into my head this morning was that I do get a little (maybe big) kick out of fighting this battle. Many a time I feel better than other people because i have such a big nisayon and I am fighting it successfully. That being the case, if I indeed would have no way of getting to the porn, then I wouldn't have that feeling. So I go and try to find ways that I would still be able to fall if I wanted to, in order to be able to feel that feeling of superiority.

I think that is very much along the lines of what you wrote, cordnoy, just a tad different. The main point is that we are both saying is that me does have a big affect on my life.

Thank You very much cordnoy, may others follow your lead to tell me what they feel about my posts, after all, that is why I post here.

Just to clarify, for myself.

I have always had my eye on standing out in some way. I always wanted to be outstanding, in almost every area that I could pull it off. I think I was the only one who the school wanted to give both the academic award and the midos award to. (I obviously declined, because I didn't want to make the rest of the class feel bad) If you now know who I am, then please don't be afraid to tell me Even here on GYE, I was so happy when I made it to the lists of the user stats, top 5 thank you's, popular thread, and popular user!!

I put a lot of effort into being special, and what better way than to be victim and be able to use it to be special?

So me has good reason to be scared. What's gonna be special about me if I'm not fighting this awesome battle? I will learn to be content with no grandeur, I will learn to be happy with just being another dude on the bus which is just another bus on the highway!! that is really scary!!

Well my dear friend me, you are very right to be scared, because the way that I'm headed! I'm sorry, this didn't happen on purpose, but since I had to stop one thing I realized that that life is just much more fulfilling, less complicated, less stressful, and a whole bunch more things.

Thanks for the honesty Yankel. I'm also trying to be outstanding. [Gibbor, here's your cue to recommend Dr. Sorotzkin's perfectionism articles...]
Personally a different part of what Cordnoy wrote really resonated with me:

The Shvigger wrote:

thank you Yankel, Cordnoy and TZ for those great posts. I identify with the desire to be special too. and I overthink things in a big way, tying myself in intellectual knots until I get blue in the face - well, at least figuratively. and it seems to me that all this heavy duty psychology talk calls for a 2 hour perusal of the Just Having Fun section.

Same with me. Maybe we should have a Kavod Konvention

I find that i dream for kavod to feel that i am special and when the time comes i brush it off like i am so humble as Moses. Its so weird. You think i would bask in it and wave at the people like the queen.

I don't really have any answers here but i can tell you i occasionally do the same think and look at the top lists at GYE and wish i was there. Perhaps thats not so bad, lo lishma le shma right? Maybe we just gotta keep moving a long and our need for Kavod will disappear. After all as a very wise person said to me, why should i care about someone else's approval?

I never even knew there were user stats
not sure where they are

glad to be of service though
yankel and tz...I think you both are gettin' it.
the "something else" is the nisayon, the battle, the temptation.
we say to ourselves: our fight is so strong...God gave me such a huge test....if I fall, nunu...im still the greatest or close to it.

if I do recover though, then all that past will demonstrate that I indeed was a failure...I couldn't do it...that's pretty depressing.

the answer again is: focus on right now; not the past and not the future...what do I need to do right now? [and I know the entire process aint so easy.]

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:

guardyoureyes.com/forum/stats
If you go to the bottom of the "Recent Topics" page, there is a link there.

Here's what I got

I came to GYE after I had trued stopping for at least a year before getting married, without success. U had keep myself going with the hope that with marriage the taavah would be satisfied, but I found that that wasn't the case.

After t about two year into the marriage I realized that it looked like my life could continue the same way forever-highs, lows, fighing, falling, chizzuk, keep going, fall remorse, depression, detachment. I knew the negative feelings all too well, and I didn't like the idea of living that way for the rest of my life.

I had been getting the GYE chizzuk emails for a little bit already, sometimes reading them, most of the time not. After that realization I decided to go the site to see what was going on there.

I was so excited with everything I saw, with other people that had been doing the same thing that I had been doing, and now they had been able to stop.

I signed up and got involved right away, I learned a lot about myself and BH had a friend with who I discussed a ton of what I was learning. That made a lot of things clear much quicker than had I not had someone to discuss it with.

After 152 days, I fell, a short in and out. I didn't feel most of those terrible negative feelings, for I had seen that there was a way and that I was on it.

After that I was able to notice the positive feelings becoming stronger. The feelings of content, happy, that I was growing, were almost tangible. I really experienced having a relationship, a personal relationship, with Hashem!! I was able to really connect with others!

For those feelings to continue is why I am on GYE and working on living real life. I am ready to work the steps, to be honest with safe people at all times about who my true simple human self is. I am willing to learn from anybody's experience on how they got to that type of life (if they did). I am willing to admit that I had wrong beliefs, that I was fighting the wrong battle. I am willing to admit that I acted in ways that I knew (and that I sometimes act in ways that I know) are not the correct way.

That is what I am willing to do, and that is what I am doing. I am in touch with friends around the globe (not really, but in at least four continents) and I am honest with them about the way that I am acting, Is it productive? Is it what I am supposed to be doing?

If not, then I admit it, and I realize that I have forgotten about why I am really here, and who is really pulling the strings in my life. I have started thanking Hashem for the days which He led me through with the knowledge and the experience that He is the one who gives me everything, and that it is only when I start looking for extra and grandeur that I find uneasiness in life.

ZemirosShabbos wrote:


I is headed for the depressed person's chill spot, anyone comin' alon'?

can't we have fun without getting depressed?

Didn't want to hijack someone else's thread, so I'll Hi Jack!! my own.

Bill W. the founder of AA and the 12 steps, the author of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the forward to his book Alcoholics Anonymous

Bill W. wrote:

Pidaini wrote:

we could, but not everyone likes bungee jumping

Was talking with someone yesterday, and we discussed our shortcoming of not wanting to be burdened by the desire for lust. I wouldn't mind not having the desire but if the desire is there then I want to be able to splurge without any guilt, with no limits.

I look at people on the streets and wish that I could be as carefree about what they "get to" do as they are. I am (sometimes) jealous of all the porn actors that they can just live and act freely (yes I know that they are really slaves to their desires, but they don't seem to feel bad about that).

On a much lesser level, I am currently jealous of all people who don't have the burden of flying on them....why me? why do I have to go through the whole thing?

The answer is the same.....BECAUSE!! Now what am I going to do about it? am I going to be miserable or am I going to accept the fact that this is my purpose in life today? Once i accept that, I can perhaps even enjoy it, and appreciate that I GET TO fly today, and deal with other people being nervous, and who knows what else!! THAT is fulfilling my purpose of today!!

but then again, I could just complain and be miserable about it, and be right as well....

Tough choice

Your wife gets nervous about flights? When you write "other people being nervous" you mean, Shaindel Malka, Zlata Yenta and Stanley? What's it like to be in such a situation? I never thought of it.
Did you ever think of what my situation is like?
Do we really understand that each of us goes through nisyonos minor s well as major?
Do we realize that the world cannot possibly be about me me me, because then, why is Yankel having problems?
The world is all about Hashem Hashem Hashem.
Let us stop with these naarishkeiten and begin serving him.