thanks for the...

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

it saved the day (i hope)

btw happy birthday on your thread started march 8 2013

tzee lange gezunte yuren be"h

asach yiddish nachas!!!

dd wrote:


Thanks for the birthday reminder!!

Iy"h by you, a thread full of growth and honesty!!

Pidaini,

I'm not sure I get every point of every post but that much I learn to analize every situation in depth to take the most out of it.

thanks

I am about to fall (anyone following this thread should have seen this coming).

I am a law abiding guy, and there is a Bill of Rights which I live by, it goes something like this

My Bill of Rights

I have the right to

1. Be in control of feelings
2. To feel superior and "more equal" than others (since I am (was) clean for so long, and other reasons)
3. To expect that I will be able to take on any challenge in life without a problem and without getting uptight about it
4. To expect that problems won't arise (since I'm mamish a tzaddik)
5. To blame life and others and claim victim to them for not following rules, i.e.
   • Allowing me to find ways through the filter
   • Giving me a wet dream and having me wake up in a bad mood
   • My kids keeping me up at night
   • My chavrusah going away and leaving me with a full day with no fit schedule
   • etc.

Those are the rights by which I live, those are the rights that I protect with my entirety, and if those rights are threatened then I need to protect them, and protect them I will!!!!!

Fall completed........

although no two situations are alike, here are some of the thoughts and mindset that I remember from that 18 hr binge 62 days ago.....

there was a build up of slipping for almost two weeks
it was so enjoyable
the excitement was intense
the feelings were fabulous
the euphoria was overwhelming

the fall was devastating

I remember lookin' down from the balcony of the 15th floor at the magnificent view down below, sayin' to myself, "I am as low as the deepest valley in the distance; perhaps I should join 'em." I was talkin' to my frum woman friend (who helps me out of these messes), and she asked me if im really contemplatin' this, and I replied that I wasn't, but I said, "why not?" I am filth! I am lettin' all that I am close to down by my egregious behavior - why not really let 'em down? and the obvious answer was that I have so much to live for.

And it was at that point that I said (and perhaps this will be repeated in a gye chizuk email or somethin'): "If I have so much to live for, then why am I not livin'?" Why am I allowin' my life to be so unmanageable? And yes, I already knew that I was powerless once the lust button kicks in, but it is my actions and thoughts that allow it to enter in the first place. And I knew that a commitment of some action, something that I needed to do, something that I was fightin' against for the past 7 months of so-called sobriety that I had to take that step...there was no turnin' around.

And I actually did two things.
1. I wrote to my Romanian lady that this is it! Good bye and adios! I am/was fortunate that I didn't fall in with one that would not accept my answer. She understood and we parted ways....for good....not a one month, two month hiatus, but forever.
2. I researched and I found an SA group that I can attend, and I made it my business to go every week. Have I missed once or twice since then? Yes, but it is always on my schedule.

Others will say that you need to do the program. Some will say that a sponsor is required. You will have people say to write down all your history; work da steps, etc. All that is true and good. Who knows what step will work for each person? I certainly don't! What I do know is this: Do something that is difficult for you to do; something that you have contemplated in the past, but for whatever reason (ego, pride, time, etc.) you decided against. That one step imho will propel you onward.

I am not a fellow that has been recovering for 12 years, so I am no expert. I am recovering today! Honestly, I do not pay attention to the past, and I do not look forward to the future. Not because I don't wanna, but rather, because I can't! In order for recovery to work, in my case, I must have all my senses to make the right decision right now.

My desires now are second looks, thinkin' about wife, clickin' where I shouldn't (and I don't have a filter or accountability software). Together with God, or only thru Him, and I really don't care who it is, I was given the strength...for right now, for this moment...to say, "Sorry sir, I cannot go there at the present time, for if I do, I will end up in a pool of blood sprawled across the San Fernando Valley, and my last waking moment would have been passing by the sights of God's beautiful world, one that I was too damn egotistic about to take advantage of, and one that I needed to separate from to satisfy my lustful desires." Oh no! I'll stay on the ground floor. I won't look up, and I won't look down.....straight ahead....at the moment directly ahead.

Perhaps this will help you; perhaps others.....it definitely is helpin' me....and you know for how long? You guessed it!

b'hatzlachah

Thanks cordnoy.

Let me explain a little.

I really am not so bothered about the fall, it wasn't all that exciting, it wasn't all intense, it wasn't even all that enjoyable, I'm not all that devastated about it.

What I'm looking for is what I had a few months ago, and which lasted for a few months, being able to live a beautiful life. The last few weeks of slipping and white-knuckling are what bothered me, I didn't even have thoughts about falling until this week, it was just those second looks and slipping and wife, yet I wasn't living the way I know life could be. I know that there is a better life, I've lived it, I've tasted it's sweetness. Yet, while I was into the lusting, bursting with desire, I was having a hard time getting out of it and finding what I needed to do. I feel now that my head is actually clearer in a way.

One thing that I'm starting differently is the 12 steps. I was doing them because they can't hurt, and because the group was doing them, I was sort of testing them out.

Now I want to work them, I have felt real life, experienced living in the moment, and very much want to be there again. I know that the 12 steps can help me get there, and I'm ready to work them, with commitment to them.

Thanks everybody for your support, it's amazing how comfortable I felt posting that I fell. I didn't need to worry that people would look down at me, that I would lose something because of it.

It's FORWARD!!! The engine is still running, and as long as it is, I plan on MONSTER TRUCKING!!!!!!!

if you'd like a chavrusah in the white book, i'm game.

As a few friends have warned me, I am having some urges to continue the fall. Nothing terrible, just some urges, no promises....

Plan for this morning is to go rest, help get Zlatah Yentah to gan. Go to Beis medrash read some BB, learn for a bit.

BH, done.

Not without some desires when I was on the computer before leaving to Beis Medrash but I decided to listen to another friends advice, and read through my own thread as an outsider.

I started, and I am amazed, there are so many things that I learned that I could really review. Some things that people told me that I actually see now!!

I hope to bring them down later.

Thanks again everyone for your support!!!

Then, Pidaini wrote:


In response, Skeptical wrote:


Now, Pidaini wrote:

Pidaini,

i am shocked about your fall. I don't even know you, but that eagle you use and those words you wrote in my thread make me see you as a tree, that can't be moved. And in fact, I still feel that way. Only now you appeare more human, more brother like to me.

Sorry that I wrote this, no harm intended. Just feels like a big brother became a twin. But I am sorry about another thing...

I didn't know that u were close to a fall and even if I did, I feel helpless, I wouldn't know how to help u. This feels like loneliness, emptiness.

This is probably not helping.

Well u are up. Baruch Hashem and thank u.

And I need to work on self pity.

This would be a good time to sing a song like Hava nagila and then plant some veggies and then have a shower and then walk by the sea side with ones family.

Pidaini wrote:


BH that count is still going swell, which makes me wonder, why when I quit watching movies did it not last?

One possibility might be that I didn't do anything to make that concrete. One of the big triggers that I have is when I go to the bathroom (is there a "bathroom forum"?) and I'm gonna be there for a few minutes anyway, and GYE is slow, and no new emails, and nobody up for chat. Or when I'm just in the mood for a "kosher" unwinding.

When I wrote last time that there were no more movies I thought to myself "ok, when I want to watch a movie, I'll just do something else" that's extremely vague, not concrete at all.

Since what I did with the games worked, and I've even told others to try it, I am going to try it again.

So the productive activities I can do in the bathroom

1. GYE
2. Chat with friends on Gmail
3. Read the Big Book (BB)
4. Meditation (focusing on breathing, a mindfulness exercise, from Avi T's workshop)
5. Take care of things that people asked me to do for them
6. Listen to Avi T's workshop and other recordings on these issues

Any one of those things are much more productive than watching any movie, ever.

Perhaps make a time limit.....unless there are issues we don't know about

I always had a time limit, when I used to watch porn at night I also had a time limit....{1:15 am} "just for 5 min".....{1:30} "it's not that late, another 10 can't do anything" {2:30} "oish, a whole night almost, let's just finish up"......

It's very similar in the bathroom (although if I was in there for more than an hour I think my wife would call hatzalah) and with movies in general. But when I'm doing productive things I usually don't have a problem stopping (am I the only one like that?)