I am all confused I came to Gye to deal with my problem with lust and all a sudden I keep on finding out more and more what my issues are

Here goes the story, on my desk in my office I had my small printer, it kept on getting in my way so finally I ordered a cabinet to have a better place for it. So after a few days I started tracking it 9and found out that it was dropped off by the wrong door!)but haven't realized that it had any connection with my problem, now reading that post about ordering and tracking Im starting to think the problem might be even bigger..............

TOOC
tracking online orders compulsively
על מה תוכו עוד תוסיפו סרה - ישעיה א

Thanks to dd, I have BH made a TaPHSiK!!

It goes like this

If I disable the filter on my computer without first calling or chatting with a friend and telling them "I am going to disable the filter" (the reason for those specific words to be clarified in next post, bli neder), then I will have to say an hour of tehillim within 3 days.

If I disable the filter after calling or chatting to a friend then I will give 100 NIS to GYE.

This neder is valid until the next time I disable the filter.

SO, yesterday I had this urge to go to youtube, it stemmed from boredom and it was the normal strong thing.

I was thinking to myself that I should email someone, but the last few times I did that and chatted with someone and told them "I want to go to youtube"....I still went afterwards. There was something there that didn't click.

I thought about it a tiny bit and quickly realized that saying "I want to...." to someone actually boosts me in a way, because I want to, but I'm not. So what was telling them was that I was really in control of the situation, and so 5 min later I was on youtube.

Yesterday I chatted with MBJ and typed "I'm going to youtube" because that was the entire truth, I was going to youtube, and I was just telling him of my plans. That worked!!!

So if you say you won't, then you will, but if you say you will, then you won't? I thought sharing was all about honesty?

I would love to blame it on the TaPHSiK, (that's what I told Zemmy....sorry about that) but then what about the last few weeks, where I was doing the same thing......

Slipped again yesterday, started Motzei Shabbos and continued through last night. It started with boredom, or too much time to spend on doing real things. Shabbos afternoons started becoming a bit longer, so I have to do something with them.....and GYE has yet to come out with a "Kosher GYE" for Shabbos. I did spend a lot of quality time with my family and it was beautiful, but I wasn't making the big difference in the world with that....

Then Motzei Shabbos came along, and was a little bored again, but now the computer was an option,but GYE was not very active either.......so had to find away around the TaPHSik...and I did.

Point being that TaPHSik is not the answer (it's not to blame either), just as filters aren't. Yes, they are important, and I don't regret making it at all, but it's not the answer. The answer is in me, not in anything external.

So, as I wrote before, I am trying to learn from every slip, and I am learning where the battle has to begin.....that is whenever I have a negative feeling, that is before the urge to lust comes to play. I could have spoken to Hashem right away, told Him how I was feeling, but I didn't, I didn't think it was such a big deal.

That's really what I learned, it doesn't have to be a big deal, I don't like dealing with small deals either!!

Pidaini wrote:


How bout reading the GYE handbook on those long Shabbos afternoons? It's kosher, it's GYE, it'll fill your time, and it'll give you some inspiration to keep the Shabbos holy.

Hatzlacha

MT

If the TaPHSik doesn't work, then fine it doesn't work. Of course its just semantics, just for those that need a little push (like me)

Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself and overthinking (some wise man told me this once)

HEYYYYY!!! ME?!?! Overthinking?!?!

What do you mean? You mean that I shouldn't be thinking so much? Or I'm trying to figure it out? or that I should just do what's right? or that I don't need to....? or that I should......?

I just don't get what you mean by overthinking!!! some wise man you've got yourself

I don't think (whoops, sorry about that) that I'm being too hard on myself, I'm just being realistic, and learning how to deal with it. I have spoken to Hashem twice today about little things that I would have let run loose previously.

As for the TaPHSiK, it is working, it's just not stopping me from lusting.

I don't THINK that I think too much. If I would think too much I would think it, don't you think? I think that if you think I think too much, maybe you're the one overthinking. Thinking about it, I really don't think that I'm the type to think too much. You think I'm not thinking honestly? I think I'm honest enough- certainly when I'm just thinking to myself. Not that I think to myself all that much... you know...

i think that sometimes we think we are honest to ourselves because we are just thinking to ourselves but if we think out loud and someone else tells us what they think about what we were thinking or even if we just think out loud without someone else telling us what they think about what we were thinking we sometimes realize that we were just thinking it without really thinking too much about what we were thinking, don't you think

I think i'm confused...

TehillimZugger


I think that you think that i think that you don't think too much but i think you really think too much. I think that you think that i think that i am overthinking but i think that you think way too much. I think you think that i think that you are the one to overthink but really we all overthink so your not alone. I think that you know that you think too much and i think that you think that you are addicted to think and you are. Its called a thinkaholic. Thats you! Its Ok. but you have to admit. SO next meeting say. I TZ, am a thinkaholic and it is ruining my life

Sooooooooooo (yeah, any post that starts with "so" is gonna be full of excitement), I've been lusting most of the time since last post, whcih actually reminds me of a profound thought I had, serious stuff afterwards.

In The Avengers, there is a scene where Captain America tells Dr. Banner aka The Hulk "Now is a good time to get angry" (meaning to turn yourself into the hulk). Banner answers "That's my secret cap'ain, I'm ALWAYS angry!!!" One of my secrets of staying clean is that I know that I am almost always lusting and if I don't make sure to live life, then the lsut will take take over and I will turn into a big green monster (or a pink elephant)

Now that we've taken care of that,

So, I don't know why that is, it really wasn't bad and I wasn't acting out on it….actually, now that I am writing this, there may have been some things that I did that were lust driven, but nothing assur.

Then yesterday, came insanity, the pure will to just see if I can get past the filter. Now remember, I know how to disable the filter completely, oh, and that TaPHSik sort of got messed up because I needed to disable it for a VCF technician so that he could connect to my computer when the filter wasn't letting any internet through. so the fact that I need to play around in the filter itself is just insane.

Well, I found another way in the filter itself. I wanted to see how far it really works, so I went to google images and searched for something that would normally be blocked, and something that I wanted to see at that time……I guess it wasn't just to break the filter :-/

Anyways, I wasn't very happy with myself, I did make some calls and told some people, I also emailed guard to let him know of the most recent loophole, but I was tired and self loathing. Then came at night and Zlatah yentah decided that she was gonna keep me up until 12:40, which is like almost time to get up and post!! I BH got myself to sleep with no looking at anything, even though I really wanted to. I ended up getting up late and was, obviously, not very happy about it.

A big portion of the morning was spent trying to change my feelings, "this isn't the honest way of looking at it, it's not that bad, be happy, etc." then I remembered what a wise man had once told a few of his friends "Don't take your moods so seriously, just do what you know you should be doing!!!" WOW!!! How wise!!

I know what I need to do during the day, and I asked Hashem to let me do those things regardless of how I feel, because I know that that's really what He wants (proof of that is that He is still letting me live even though I woke up late). I asked Him to help me be there for Shaindel Malkah, and for Zlatah Yenta without giving them attitude because I was in a bad mood. A few times I found myself in middle of trying to find the way out of feeling down, but I just went back to saying "just do what you need to do, just do what you need to do"

BH, I actually feel better now, as Dov wrote, I just needed to get out of my head and focus on living real life. That means, just do real life, do what I know needs to be done.

Someone reminded me, and I am ashamed that I haven't remembered myself in such a long time, but it is certainly time for a.............

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!