GO TEAM STANLEY GO!!!

So here's the latest (thank you to skep for bringing this out).

I was tired, and have been bombarded with lusty things for a few days. Was on a flight that only had a few main screens, and they were playing a video that was for sure rated "R", it was impossible to look anywhere without seeing it.

Then came some general tensions, and today I was really seeing all the "right" things. anything I saw was triggering, and I was tired as well. Slipped a little (mamish a little), but nothing close to what I really wanted to do.

What i see differently than before, is how instead of trying to fight the thoughts, and make them disappear, I am trying to live through them. meaning trying to feel my way of what I am supposed to do, moment by moment, even though my body is shouting otherwise. I used to be so obsessed with getting the desire away from me and since that failed nothing else was worth anything. But now there is a different goal, to LIVE, and BH so far Hashem has helped me through chats, and live people, and Himself!!

I have a lot to write, a whole bunch of different things, but I need to do it slowly because......

I was learning a sefer on chanukah that got me very spiritually excited in previous years, i was learning it really well, and even right at the beginning it was getting me excited already. Since I had realized though that a lot of falls come right after getting sprirtually high, I asked Dov his thoughts on the matter. He told me very eloquently, "go slower than you want to.....much slower...... even slower than that...ok, that slow.....maybe"

It's amazing, I have an urge to feel like I'm in the heavens, because it feels good. Not because that's where I am actually holding, but because that's where I wish I were holding, that is the way I want the Ribono Shel Olam to be served!!

So I'm taking it slowly, actually I stopped learning that particular sefer, I have things that Hashem wants me to work on before all kavanos of chanukah. This year I'll have in mind "who commanded us to ignite the candle of chanuka". WOW, simple, and awesome!!!

After realizeing that I understood a famous vort in a completely new light. Hashem took the Torah and asked all the nations if they want to accept it, so they all asked what is in it, and Hashem told them the hardest thing for each individual nation. The Kotzker asked, what did Hashem tell the Yidden before giving them the Torah to see if they were ready to really accept it? He answers that Hashem told them "הגבל את ההר וקדשתו, set boundries to the mountain". Hashem knows that Klal Yisroels reatest taavah is to reach spiritually high madreigos, so that was their nisayon, DO NOT JUMP!!

I always thought of the vort as chizzuk or as the maalah of klal yisrael. But it is really very different, the vort is showing that we have to be careful not to leap higher just because we want to, we need to do what Hashem wants of us exactly where we are!!

That's the first thing, more to come B'ezras Hashem

Second thing that happened, was that I experienced a resentment Friday. I did something as an act of goodness, and the other person took it exactly the opposite. It hurt.

I was surrendering, and this is what that meant on Friday. What I saw my resentment as being was an action of protecting my dignity, I was right, the other person was wrong, and hurt my feelings. I shouldn't just let it pass without showing that my dignity was hurt and needs to be mended.

Surrendering meant surrendering of the need to protect my dignity, I will live just fine, and happily without taking that responsibility on my shoulders.

It was extremely releiving, a big weight off my heart. I am free to be happy without needing to worry about protecting my ego!!

Pidaini wrote:


Can I borrow the sefer if you're not using it anyway?

Pidaini wrote:
A couple of things. Wanting to be holy... is also fantasizing. It's escaping the reality of who we really are.

I think that's what dov means by "get off the 18 wheeler and onto a trycycle".

I can't remember if perfectionism is one of your problems, and if you read or listened to any Dr Sorotzkin, but it helped me a lot. It helped me to let go of my unreasonable expectations of myself, and to accept myself as I am.

One thing Dr Sorotzkin says (and I can't remember which gadol he quoted) is a person can't be great until he is happy being pashut. He also distinguishes between a healthy desire to be great and perfectionism.

If a person with a healthy desire to be great fails or isn't as successful as he wished - it does not crush him. A perfectionist is not happy with less than perfect (so he is almost always unhappy). A normal person is happy when he's learning. A perfectionist is happy to be learning because it means he isn't doing anything wrong (G-d can't have any complaints against me).

A perfectoinist is basically driven by fear of doing something wrong (sur mera). A normal person is driven by a desire to do right (asei tov).

Thanks for letting me rant a bit. If it doesn't apply to you, maybe it will help someone else.

gibbs wrote:


Exxactly the point I was experiencing, gibbs!!

Exactly!!

Pidaini wrote:

Shkoyach for this.

Interesting that after the pasuk says הגבל את ההר it says וקדשתו.

Rav Wolbe Zt"l says based on this that the definition of kedusha is מכיר את מקומו.

I think that this ties in nicely with what you wrote.

Whoah!! The fantsy world really has a pull.....ouch....like a strong pull.

It used to be that my living a double life was in general, at one time I would be "tzaddik" another time I would be Mr. Lust. But the last two days I have been Mr. Real and Mr. Fantasy both at the same time!!!

Due to a certain situation which arose this week, I have been very nervous, and lost as to what I am supposed to do and not do. As the situation is extremely iffy, with nobody being able to tell me exactly what to do, I was really in a state. So of course, fantasy tends to offer it's help. Last night I spent like four hours in fantasy land, on a mobile game, where the theme was lust. Then went searching for provocative pictures and found them.

I was so deep into fantasy, and it was 2:00 am. Can't really call anyone, cause then my wife would start asking questions. text, chat, what are they going to tell me that I don't know? i needed to talk, to get real........hmmm......(another picture).......OH!!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

Yes, He was waiting for me (and is still). I let it out, I told Him that I know that He runs my world, my life, with the utmost care and love, yet I cannot see it, and am having dificulty staying in that life. I am running to a world which I see to be instantly gratifying, instead of staying with you and seeing how you will extract me from the mess I am currently in (both the situation that brought me to run to fantasy land and the mess that I am currently in, which I am still running to more lust to silence the lust does that make sense?)

A moment later, fantasy returns, I asked Hashem again, "I know I am supposed to be living with you, and trusting in you, so I ask you to please help me stay REAL" and He did, and when a thought came back, I repeated, this happened a few times, and I fell asleep BH!!!

Hashem is real!! Talking is Real!! Talking to Hashem is the realest of the real (carlebach?)!!!

I am still in a lusty state, still CHOSE (thanks to DC) to look for pictures a few minutes ago. But I know what I can do, I know that Hashem is there, waiting for me!!!

Hey Yaakov! I'm glad I decided to stop by Your-Three-Story-Shul for Mincha Shabbos afternoon. The forty five minute walk was worth being mechazek a friend [especially since I had time to chazer Matisyahu lyrics and even say some tehillim on that long walk].

So, it didn't end there.

Yes Shabbos was a dream, met up with Hashem's soldier and TZ, and both just by "chance".

But the certain fear that I had, kept coming back, as I didn't deal with it properly.

So after slipping again on motzei shabbos, I spoke to DC this morning. We had a clear discussion about some options I had. then spoke to another friend about some other options.

Then I had a little insight to these "lost" situations. I had asked Hashem to show me the right way, to show me what was the right thing to do. now this may seem extreme, but I needed to see that it was right before it was done, I wasn't really letting Hashem control and trusting Him to orchestrate it perfectly. I needed to understand it before it happened!! So i was lost, because I don't know for sure what is best to do.

But now I am asking Hashem to help me remember that whatever I do choose to do based on the information that He is letting me see, it is still ultimately Him using me and my decision to pull something through. So we're back to square one......HASHEM RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(That came after thinking "What does Hashem want from me? it is certainly not to be slipping my brains out, yet I don't see what to do?" and then the answer....."HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING!!!!! HE JUST WANTS YOU TO SIT BACK AND RELAX!!! HE'S GOT IT UNDER CONTROL!!!" Ahhhh, sooo relieving, don't take the decision so seriously, the reasons you make the decision you make is also just a pawn in Hashem's mighty loving hands)

and it didn't end there either....

i've written this before, although I can't find it now.

There are two issues at hand 1) the fears I was experiencing 2) the way I initially reacted, which started a process, a process called "craving" or "addiction"

So, yes, I did end up dealing with the fear correctly, or somewhat correctly. But I did not even try to stop the process of craving which I had started.

So as I was chatting with skeptical today, and telling him that I was in a "rut", and I asked him "what would I tell someone in my situation"

So he responded "I know what you told me once"

me: "yes?"

Skep: "talk to Hashem, tell Him your explicit desires"

WOW!! did I really tell that to him? I'm a complete genius!!!!!!!!!!!

So that is what I did, I left him typing for a few minutes, and told Hashem where I was currently holding. I am in craving mode, it wasn't anymore to get rid of the fear, it was plain old, original flavored, CRAVING!! I told Him that what I really wanted was the picture that would climax me until masturbation, and since I hadn't been successful yet, I was craving for more, for porn, for that climax.

I told Him that I was lost, nothing would be enough for me now, only His help.

I think I can now say, it ended there. I've had opportunities since that conversation (and triggers) and BH I've not taken them.

Thank You Hashem!!!! I am so relieved to have found it true that no matter how many times i may forget you, you are always there to pick me back up, with a loving hug!!

יענקל, די ביסט אן אינספעראציע

I have been talking to Hashem before going to bed, but not right in the middle of a lust attack. I bet He will help me just like how He has helped you.

Birshus the snow capped Yerushalayim,

I would like to thank Hashem for helping me be sober Today!!!!