I have been working on the Wall of Honor for 6 months now. On my first try I reached 90 days, but then over Succos I fell (hard as is always the case) a number of times. I have since been trying to regain my ground but been having a hard time. I made it to 5 weeks again and then about a month ago I fell again and have been staggering around since. See here for more of my story.

I have finally started up again strong at the very end of December and am now on day 17. One idea which I saw and liked was the $90 for 90 days. So I am doing it with a twist. If I don't finish the 90 days I will give a dollar for each day which I stayed clean to a "tzedaka" which I really don't support. (It is a valid tzedaka just one whose mission I disagree with.) I have been starting to have a hard time the last few days and thought that posting was in order. So, I decided to make a real log of my journey. But not just 90 days clean but Biezras Hashem for many more.

Thanks for reading and Hatzlacha to you all.

I had a thought yesterday which I wanted to post but didn't know where. So, I thought I'd just put it here and hope people see it and get as much chizzuk as I did out of it.

Yesterday, I was in shiur with someone who had just smoked and he smelled in my opinion horrible, as the smell of smoke always does to me. Someone else commented just how bad the smell was and I agreed. Then it struck me he may smell from his addiction down here for the 45 minutes in the shiur but if I don't keep fighting this war with my Yetzer Hara/addiction, I will smell much worse for all of eternity in the Bais Medrash DiRokia (if I am even accepted in).

Now I just have to remember that smell when the Yezter Hara comes knocking on my door.

Well I love smoking, so sorry me .... ok that was a joke

Since it is an honest place, I must admit that i did smoke. I mean Humphrey Bogart smoke, Clint Eastwood, James Dean, my grandfather and my father.... This list is impressive, that is why I thought it was cool to smoke. As in: if I smoke, I will be just as cool as those people.

But soon enough I realized the truth. Smoking and cool are not really correlated.

So now I don't smoke, cos it costs a lot and here you have to find smoking area spots - and in those spots one does not need to smoke, cos you get smoked as soon as you are there and...

Well my point is: I don't need that smoke anymore, I get the urge here and there, but that's it.

No therapy, no smoking less and less, no superlight cigis..., just stop.

I think I stopped, cos my wife doesn't smoke. But honestly, I really didn't feel like smoking anymore.

I don't think it was because of the smell?


But I do repeat that in these days, I don't want that dark painful heartbreaking lifetaking breakdown after a fall... I don't want that feeling, I can't afford it, since it could mean the end of me.

So tnx for reminding me of that smell - the smell of a fall.

yehoshua wrote:


I stopped because I knew that when ever I would get married, my wife wouldn't be a smoker (ie: she would be grossed out by the smell)

Ooh, that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, that smell
The smell of death surrounds you...

You could have left off the last line and the it would have been haiku

To all my avid readers , sorry for not updating last week. I had a good week. Most of my family went on vacation and left me home to "hold up the fort". So besides my job, chavrussa, projects, chores etc. I also had a pile of jobs, projects and chores which others usually do. So I was crazy busy and didn't have time to do anything let alone have herhurim which I am trying to avoid in the first place.

Hopefully, this week will be even better and I will have time to post my status in real time.

Your truly, 26 days going on 27 days!

Here's my update. 28 going on 29. I had a pretty good day. My family came back home so now I'm not alone anymore.

My mother asked me today about contacts for a prospective shidduch. I'm still very nervous about the whole thing. I know the girl's brothers and worked for her brother-in-law. I like the whole family and think that it may have real potential. On the one hand I would like it to work out. On the other, if it does work out, the days of my secret remaining my own (only relatively because I finally spoke to my Rav about it a few months ago through the encouragement of gibbor120) are numbered and I will have to tell my prospective kallah about my deepest darkest side. Besides the feeling of shame of her (or anyone for that matter) knowing, there is the actual conversation which can't be comfortable anyway you have it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to just keep remembering that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is orchestrating and directing the whole thing and He is the Master Director. He will make everything work out because He loves us just like all His other children, even when we sin.

Wow I hadn't realize that it has been almost a month. But I'm still clear so I'm not going to worry to much. 56 days down.

The last few weeks have been getting harder. I don't have a very large social circle and between work and learning I don't have much time for other stuff. Unfortunately one of my other bad habits, watching movies and TV shows online, has been taking the forefront in my relaxation time instead of more productive (and enjoyable) activities. Also I am feeling more and more lonely and feel like I really need to move forward in shidduchim.

With regard to watching movies and TV shows online I really have to stop but it is hard. Maybe even harder that stopping P&M because it is much easier to rationalize as not as bad and maybe even necessary for relaxation (maybe really escape). However, even that rationalization doesn't permit me to waste the inordinate amount of time which I currently do. I plan to keep trying because it is not something I want to do for the rest of my life.

P.S. That shidduch which I was looking forward to and nervous about isn't going forward. I think that the girl's side said no but I think that the shadchan might push a little because she didn't give a real reason why they had said no. But I don't care either way. If it isn't bashert to happen then it wouldn't and if it is it will. All I can say is that I did my hishtadlus. At least if I say it enough it might dull the pain of rejection.

needtoquit wrote:


I totally feel for you. I've been there. I think to myself. Can I really justify the time usage (or lack thereof).

(In moments of depression I think, "Do you realize what an awesome talmid chacham you could have become". Then I realize, Hey that's your ga'avah talking with support from the yetzer hora of sadness.)

64 days. Not to get my hopes up or give myself an Eyin Harah, but I should reach 90 by Pesach and then will be able to experience the seder as a "free" man. (Yes, I know I'm never free! ) It reminds me of a powerful story (I think by Rabbi Pesach Krohn though maybe Rabbi Bentzion Shafier of The Shmuz) about a father and son at the seder. The son just finished rehab for a drug addiction and asked his father if he knew what it means to be a slave because, "I do." B"H I don't think that I've reached that point but that doesn't make the story any less powerful. We have to constantly remind ourselves that even if we are not addicts, addiction is slavery and it must be avoided at all costs.

Now that I was yotzeh my shloshim yom kodem hachag, I just wanted to mention my Purim. It was very uplifting. I thanked some people in my life who helped me tremendously and I have been to embarrassed to thank them. I learnt with my father. I davened all the tefilos. All in all it was pretty good.

With regard to shidduchim, my mother is working on a few other ideas and we will see where they go. On Purim someone gave me a brachah that I should get married, "In the next year. Is that when you want to get married?" Only today did I realize that we say bishato etc. because what does when "I want to get married" have to do with when the Ribbono Shel Olam has planned for me to get married. Just because I want to get married soon doesn't mean that that is what is meant to be. As Rabbi Shafier says, "Don't play G-d!" Don't believe that you know what is best for you, just do what you think is best (hishtadlus) and then wait for Hashem to make it work or not.

I still need to work on stopping watching movies and TV.

Also, although I am writing this for myself I do hope that others are gaining something from it.

Thanks for reading,
Needtoquit

Day 68. The week has been going well, both with my battle and the rest of my life.

However, I'm a little anxious about Shabbos. A long time ago before I had found internet po**, I was already ma*** and looking at girls. My family had a guest for a few days, a friend of my sister's. I watched her and for a while she became the object (yes now I can see that clearly) of my fantasies. One time I think that she may have caught me staring at her in a way that she may have realized what I was thinking. After that my sister got married and I only saw her friend occasionally and we almost never talked. So, I still don't know if she realized or not.

Now after fighting so hard to put that behind me and improve myself, she is going to be staying by us for Shabbos again. When I heard that my heart gave a jerk. I don't think that I actually have any attraction to her in particular anymore, but when I think about her (not in a bad way) it always drags up those memories. And as most of us here can attest that is one of the hardest parts of quitting, emptying your mind and memory.

Biezras Hashem, I will make it through Shabbos none the worse but I'm just nervous and wanted to post about it.

Also as I approach the end of my 90 I realized that I am not as clearly remembering my bley neder pledge. So, just remind myself here is the bley neder pledge which I made:
needtoquit wrote:

KOT KOMT!!
Don't forget that it's "one day at a time" or if you need to "one minute at a time", you've gotten this far and you can for sure make it many more "one days"!
Hatzlacha

Day 69. B"H Shabbos went just fine. The first few minutes were a little uncomfortable because I was very nervous. However, after a little while a started relaxing and I was able to behave like a normal person. I was able to talk to her like a person not an object.

Pidaini wrote:

Thanks, but what does that mean?

Keep on Trucking, Keep on Monster Trucking