ZemirosShabbos wrote:

Thanks.

Yes of course you are correct that the world's pretuzus is not my problem to deal with. I'm just concerned because I'm noticing more than I would like to.

I've reached the point in my journey where I can recognize myself slipping (when Hashem bops me in the head to get my attention ) and it's happening again. The farther I make it the more my Y"H abuses my confidence in my success to fool me into relaxing a bit. I am noticing things which I shouldn't. No, I'm not staring but am I looking away fast enough. Or is that not even the point, is the point that I can see it but realize that it has nothing to do with me and just move on without a struggle? Or is that my Y"H trying to make me overly nervous? I'm just down right confused and don't know what's happening.

B"H I didn't really have an urge for TV/movies today. Except the 10 seconds when I walked into a room which had one playing and I looked up (read: slipped up ). But it didn't last long and it wasn't anything bad. It was from back in the good old days when the people on TV dressed and it was mostly just cars and scenery anyway.

Hatzlacha to us all,
NeedToQuit


Reb Guard and GYE staff,

I just wanted to mention that I saw the ads (GYE and Venishmartem) on the Tisha B'Av video and in the booklet and my heart jumped thinking how many people it may help. I sent in my pledge for my 90 day chart and as meager as it may be, I hope to continue to have you in mind.

Tizku LiMitzvos and my greatest wishes for Hatzlacha to you until the time that Hashem shechts the malach hamaves and puts you out of business, may it be speedily in our time!
NeedToQuit

needtoquit wrote:

What??? No more GYE .

I'm starting a "save the malach hamaves campaign". Shechita is so inhumane y'know

[insert joke about how it's humane to shecht him since now we're "shocking" the yetzer harah with our victories]

95 Days up!

Tonight, I realized that, B"H, I finally gave the name of my thread some truth rather than just a pep talk.

In other news, IY"H my internet and phone week starts tomorrow evening some time. So, this will probably be my last post until Friday. I'm looking forward to knowing whether I can handle it or not. It is a question which I have struggled with for a while. How do I know that I'm controlling the technology and not the other way around? (As I write this I can hear the responses: "You can't control anything", "Your an addict", "Let go and let G-d". While those are all true I need to know that I'm not addicted to my technology like I am addicted to lust.)

I decided that now that I've made it to 90 days I need something to keep writing about. Yes, I always have the today. But honestly who wants to just read, "Today's one day went well." (I may always sound like that but at least it's more than a sentence. ) Also I've been thinking about cutting back on my hours on here and spend more time trying to work the 12 steps. So to balance the 2 I think that, I will blei neder make sure to post at least once a week (unless I have a fall or a bad slip in which case I will have to do it more).

That's all for now, Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

Wow, I'm away for a few days and they throw me off the first page of threads .

B"H the week went quite well. However, not quite as well as I'd hoped. Firstly, although I was without a computer or internet for most of the week, I wasn't without lust. It just goes to show you, you can take the lust away from the addict but you can't take the addict away from the lust. Even in the relatively deserted area were I was staying (hours at a time without bumping into other people), there were enough women to remind me that I still need to be on my guard. Monday was the worst, with dozens of them dressed in a way to make me wonder why they aren't embarrassed to step outside like that.

I had a bad dream one night with z"l. I was really upset by it because I was awake sort of for part of the act. However, I don't think it qualifies as a fall because I certainly wasn't conscious enough to stop myself. (If anyone disagrees with that please let me know.)

Part of the trip included some hiking over some very tall mountains and one of my friends said something which I found very inspiring. Halfway up a second mountain he looked back at the first and recollected that when we were coming down and he looked up at the second one, he didn't believe that it was truly possible that we'd be able to climb that today. I think that is how many of us feel. We look at the task which lies ahead, a life of sobriety and say, "How is that even possible. It's too tall an order to ask for." But when we start the journey and just put one foot in front of the other one day, hour, minute, second at a time we can make huge progress and attain great things. And we must remember even if (when ) we slip and fall, we don't roll back down the whole mountain. All we need to do is stand back up and KOT, and we'll find that we din't loose that much headway.

Good Shabbos and Hatzlacha to us all!
NeedToQuit

104 Days up.

I had another bad dream Friday night with z"l. Same story as last time. I was really upset by it. But finally I decided to just move on.

I has some slips over the last few days. I watched an old black and white comedy for an hour and a half which in hindsight was more triggering then I thought it would be. And then I watched some short comedy clips from the same guys. That was the first movie/TV show which I've watched in weeks and hope to keep it that way.

I am beginning to feel that sense of, "I made it, now what?" again and I'm afraid.

I hope to be joining Duvid Chaim's phone call during the review session which he'll be conducting from now until Yom Tov. But I'm really not sure how to pull off the 12:00 time slot with work. Hopefully, I'll be able to make it overlap with my lunch break most days. Yesterday, he said a really good mushal (some of this may be my reading it further than he said). We are lehavdil like pet dogs on a walk. Our Master has us on a leash which He lets in and out as per the circumstances. He doesn't want us to run into the road so he tightens the leash just before we get there. We fool ourselves and think, "He lets me run where ever I want and doesn't even care if I run into the street." However, really that is just an illusion. The leash is slack when we are safe so it feels like He doesn't care and isn't protecting us, but really He's giving us just enough slack to be able to function but not enough to let us come to real harm. If we aren't safe in the street, He tighten the leash so we can't reach it. He cares intimately about every one of us.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

Thanks for the mashul.

I had it the same way with the 90 day chart, when I got to 90 it felt like it was over and "now what?". I think now it's time to realize that we don't need to keep counting.We made it very far and now let's just maintain whatever helped us get here.

I don't mean that there isn't any place to get better, of course there is.But we already got to a point where we know something about staying clean and now it's time to just keep it up without thinking about getting somewhere.

I think the 90 day chart is helpful but once you get there then we have to stop updating it every day and thinking about it so often.Just live life, and forget the struggle whenever you aren't involved with it.

Anyway, KUTGW and keep up your guard because the yetzer never sleeps.

Yes, those feelings are normal, which is why Dov and others try to tell us before we get there, that we need to stop holding our breath and start staying clean NOW.

We need to start living in the moment, not in the future, where we are going to end up, what we will look like then, etc. Our job is to do the right thing at the present moment, and that is the greatest sense of accomplishment there is, as Dov says "I'd take being clean today over all my years clean"

KOT you've gotten this far, don't wait to fall to start anew, beat him to it!!!

Last week I was in a horrible mood (and I still am). I have had this problem for a long time, I get in a bad mood and fall to pieces, not just in the area of lust. I watched 16 (40 minute) TV shows, most of them Thursday night. Nothing intentionally triggering (I think), but a huge waste of time and life. I missed Shacharis and my shiur a few days. I ditched my morning chavrusah most of the week. I don't want to learn with my evening chavrusah, (though I did most of the week because I don't have the guts to say no).

I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I want to say this is a new week and I'll use that to help launch me upward again. But I just don't feel that is gonna happen. "I" want to keep watching TV shows. I want to get my mind out of the black hole that it's in. My vacation helped for a few days but now I feel like all the RID, stress, annoyance, and everything else I wanted to get a fresh start from after my vacation, are all back right were I left them.

How am I supposed to live life like this? How am I supposed to function as a person if this can happen? How am I supposed to find a wife who can deal with me just closing in on myself when this black mood just grabs me? How am I supposed to raise children like this? How am I supposed to be a valuable member of my community if I can't be relied? How can I be relied on to do my job at work, if sometimes I just don't feel like getting out of bed?

Yes, I know the answer is just "live life one day at a time," but I'm just not feeling that right now. Any chizuk or practical advice would be most appreciated.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

P.S. I just realized that maybe my name is all wrong. Maybe it should be NeedToLive. (That name is copyrighted in case I decide to use it. So, don't anyone go sign up with it. Ok you could if you really want to.)

I know the feeling, it's terrible.

Do you have anybody you can talk to in real life? that is the only thing that helped me.

Pidaini wrote:

No. I could talk to my Rav, but he's out of town until later this week.

However, after posting last night, I chatted with 2 guys here and it was very helpful. Camaraderie is a powerful force especially when they are just encouraging you to reach conclusions that deep down you already know. If I figure out how to get the chat log I'll post some excerpts.

Hatzlacha and thanks for posting,
NeedToQuit

it is true... but the real opening up is with a real live person...that is when your deepest feelings and emotions come to light...that is what I would suggest

b'hatzlachah

So, being that I'm posting at 5:00 in the morning, I guess I don't need to say that it hasn't been the greatest day (measured on my lopsided scale which can't see Hashem's master plan). (Just to clearify, no I haven't slept yet.) Overall, I've been doing better than last week. As I mentioned, Motzei Shabbos I chatted with a few guys. Skeptical succeeded in really cheering me up and clearing my vision. However, I was not so successful at pulling myself out of the movie/TV rut which I landed myself in. (I'm still trying to figure out what triggered me into this hole. More on that later.)

So, the last few days have been filled with more movies/TV than I care to admit to myself. I missed Shacharis, my shiur and most of my seder today (I guess yesterday at this point). But I was able to keep my mood up by not thinking about it to much and just living in the present. But then I ran an errand shortly after 12 and decided to take advantage of being out of the office to call into Duvid Chaim's phone conference. (I've been trying to call in but being in an office with co-workers makes it a little tricky even on my headset and checking in is even more difficult.) In my rush to complete the errand and my distraction listening to the phone call (on a headset), I supposedly didn't stop at as stop sign and then anticipating my upcoming left turn a little to early I drove on the wrong side of the street. At least that is what the cop from the cop car I almost "ran into" said. I admit I may not have come to a complete stop and I guess I was on the wrong side of the street anxious to make my left turn into the parking lot, but I do think that I was aware of his car and felt (rightfully so in hind sight) that I could make the left before he reached me. B"H he let me off with a warning that "I had better grow up if I'm gonna drive a 5,000 lb vehicle." Now that I wrote my whole defense (OK I have a little more) I would like to admit that I know he's right. How many times do I catch myself not paying as much attention as I should be? Whether it be listening to a CD, talking (hands free) on the phone, or as every good addict does sometimes, enjoying the scenery . He's right, I have to grow up and realize that I'm endangering people's lives. But there's a part of me that crys out I don't have time for just driving without multitasking. (I'm confused and tired.)

So, as can be expected even with just a warning it took me hours for my stress level to return to normal. I could feel the stress trigger ticking, pushing me to release it. "Just masturbate once, no need to go on a marathon, just once," said that little voice. But I held out and moved on with my life. I'm not sure how I had the strength. Oh actually, of course, Hashem gave it to me. All I needed to do was try and not fall and He took care of it. Also, although I'm not sure I remembered this at the time (and if I did it's a classic example of the refuah coming before the makkah) this morning I was listening to Rabbi Shafier's (The Shmuz) new CD series, The Fight A Frank Strategy and Plan for Conquering Desire. He has some really great stuff in it and so far almost all of it aligns with the 12-steps and other tried and true methods found on GYE. As I was saying, this morning on the way into work he said over a great mashul. Sometimes we feel like the pressure is just building to much and we "need" to let off some steam or we'll burst. So, we'll just give in to the Y"H just once to release the pressure. (Sound familiar? ) And it's true, no one can argue immediately after you fall you have not desire to fall again, (much to my chagrin on more than one occasion ) it's so much easier to fight at that point. But he says it's like drinking salt water to quench your thirst. Yes, right now it may get easier but the thirst will come back with a vengeance. In a half-hour or an hour you will be much thirstier than you were originally. So to when we give in, it "helps" for the short time but in the long run it makes the Y"H stronger and he comes back with a vengeance.

One idea occurred to me about what may have triggered me into my movie/TV hole. I have music on my phone some of which is non-Jewish, mostly sound tracks. When being honest with myself I realized that I think the reason why I cling to those songs is because they bring me back to my younger years. Certainly with the sound tracks of Disney movies and the like, but even just songs which I listened to often when I was younger, they bring me back to that time. I hadn't listened to that stuff in a while but then on my way back from my vacation someone started playing music from my phone and started picking out those songs. I was going to stop him because one of the other passengers wasn't looking so appreciative but there was this yearning in me to hear the songs. I think that they might have been the trigger which brought back my lust for movies/TV. I'm afraid that I'm right and now I'll have to get rid of those songs and I don't know if I'm ready to make that step yet (though I'm not sure why not, it's not such a big deal).

Hatzlacha to us all and may today (Thursday) be better than today (Wednesday),
NeedToQuit

I started reading the Big Book over Shabbos and joined Dov's phone group for the start of the new cycle, Sunday. I'm having trouble with step 1, as always. I hope that tomorrow Dov will help walk us through it more thoroughly and I'll be able to make some progress.

Part of me feels like it was a mistake to make headway on my journey (119 days) prior to the first step, because now that little voice in my head says, "You got this under control. Powerless my foot." So, as nice as it is to be a little sober it's causing me some resistance in my step 1 acceptance.

However, I really just need to read through my posts again, count how many times I "quit" just like all my smoking friends from high school who "quit" dozens of times. I have to see my posts about how bad it was and realize that that is really how bad it is/will be if I don't quit. It truly sucks the time and joy out of life.

After I manage to come to that realization, I'm gonna have to also realize how much damage this TV/movies (for lack of better word) thing is doing to me.

I saw a really good line in the Big Book which really spoke to me and I'm afraid really summarizes me. Discussing the types of addicts, it says ... "They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision." That's me never making an actual decision. It is a problem I suffer from across many aspects of life, not just lust addiction. I'm not a good decision maker. So, although I'll make many resolutions, especially this time of year, I hardly ever made a decision to quit.

On the bright side, this year when I stand in Shul on the Yommim Noraim, I will be honest when I say I regret my past and want to change.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

Wow. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad, but in just a few short days I'm off the first page of On The Way to 90 Days threads. While it's sort of a bad sign that the site is so active, it's also good to know that so many of us are actually trying to get out of the mud.

B"H I'm haven't fallen, but the last few weeks haven't been pretty. Today was the first day in a long time that I didn't watch any TV/movies/YouTube. While it's refreshing the separation pains will be setting in soon if I continue to hold out. I really need to let go and not be continuing to glance over my shoulder.

I had some bad dreams Friday night and Motzei Shabbos which made me feel bad for a while. But I really don't think that there was much I could do. Friday night, I'm not even sure what caused it. Motzei Shabbos I was triggered by stuff I watched and decided to put an end to it by going to sleep, but I guess it sort of back fired because I hadn't cooled down yet. But I know that I can't let it get me down, just let it drive me further on my path to recovery.

Meanwhile, I'm still struggling to know if I'm an addict. I'm still unclear on the definition, as are many others it seems. And further how to apply any tentative definition objectively to my individual situation. However, I decided that I'd still work on my first step assuming that I'm either an addict or that I can use the 12 steps even if I'm not, and see where it takes me. Maybe one day down the road the light will just go off and I'll know if I'm one or not.

Hatzlacha to us all,
NeedToQuit

P.S. I'm really looking forward to the Yomim Noraim. This will be the first year in years which I will actually have some hope that my tshuvah will be sincere by any definition of the word. Not to claim it will be perfect but just when I say, "Hashem I never plan to do this again," I'll actually believe that it may be possible.