So, being that I'm posting at 5:00 in the morning, I guess I don't need to say that it hasn't been the greatest day (measured on my lopsided scale which can't see Hashem's master plan). (Just to clearify, no I haven't slept yet.) Overall, I've been doing better than last week. As I mentioned, Motzei Shabbos I chatted with a few guys. Skeptical succeeded in really cheering me up and clearing my vision. However, I was not so successful at pulling myself out of the movie/TV rut which I landed myself in. (I'm still trying to figure out what triggered me into this hole. More on that later.)
So, the last few days have been filled with more movies/TV than I care to admit to myself. I missed
Shacharis, my
shiur and most of my
seder today (I guess yesterday at this point). But I was able to keep my mood up by not thinking about it to much and just living in the present. But then I ran an errand shortly after 12 and decided to take advantage of being out of the office to call into Duvid Chaim's phone conference. (I've been trying to call in but being in an office with co-workers makes it a little tricky even on my headset and checking in is even more difficult.) In my rush to complete the errand and my distraction listening to the phone call (on a headset), I supposedly didn't stop at as stop sign and then anticipating my upcoming left turn a little to early I drove on the wrong side of the street. At least that is what the cop from the cop car I almost "ran into" said. I admit I may not have come to a complete stop and I guess I was on the wrong side of the street anxious to make my left turn into the parking lot, but I do think that I was aware of his car and felt (rightfully so in hind sight) that I could make the left before he reached me. B"H he let me off with a warning that "I had better grow up if I'm gonna drive a 5,000 lb vehicle." Now that I wrote my whole defense (OK I have a little more) I would like to admit that
I know he's right. How many times do I catch myself not paying as much attention as I should be? Whether it be listening to a CD, talking (hands free) on the phone, or as every good addict does sometimes, enjoying the scenery
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. He's right, I have to grow up and realize that I'm endangering people's lives. But there's a part of me that crys out I don't have time for just driving without multitasking. (I'm confused and tired.)
So, as can be expected even with just a warning it took me hours for my stress level to return to normal. I could feel the stress trigger ticking, pushing me to release it. "Just masturbate once, no need to go on a marathon, just once," said that little voice. But I held out and moved on with my life. I'm not sure how I had the strength. Oh actually, of course,
Hashem gave it to me. All I needed to do was try and not fall and He took care of it. Also, although I'm not sure I remembered this at the time (and if I did it's a classic example of the
refuah coming before the
makkah) this morning I was listening to Rabbi Shafier's (The Shmuz) new CD series, The Fight A Frank Strategy and Plan for Conquering Desire. He has some really great stuff in it and so far almost all of it aligns with the 12-steps and other tried and true methods found on GYE. As I was saying, this morning on the way into work he said over a great
mashul. Sometimes we feel like the pressure is just building to much and we "need" to let off some steam or we'll burst. So, we'll just give in to the Y"H just once to release the pressure. (Sound familiar?
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) And it's true, no one can argue immediately after you fall you have not desire to fall again, (much to my chagrin on more than one occasion
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) it's so much easier to fight at that point. But he says it's like drinking salt water to quench your thirst. Yes, right now it may get easier but the thirst will come back with a vengeance. In a half-hour or an hour you will be much thirstier than you were originally. So to when we give in, it "helps" for the short time but in the long run it makes the Y"H stronger and he comes back with a vengeance.
One idea occurred to me about what may have triggered me into my movie/TV hole. I have music on my phone some of which is non-Jewish, mostly sound tracks. When being honest with myself I realized that I think the reason why I cling to those songs is because they bring me back to my younger years. Certainly with the sound tracks of Disney movies and the like, but even just songs which I listened to often when I was younger, they bring me back to that time. I hadn't listened to that stuff in a while but then on my way back from my vacation someone started playing music from my phone and started picking out those songs. I was going to stop him because one of the other passengers wasn't looking so appreciative but there was this yearning in me to hear the songs. I think that they might have been the trigger which brought back my lust for movies/TV. I'm afraid that I'm right and now I'll have to get rid of those songs and I don't know if I'm ready to make that step yet (though I'm not sure why not, it's not such a big deal).
Hatzlacha to us all and may today (Thursday) be better than today (Wednesday),
NeedToQuit