You are a tremendous source of inspiration.
 you played a strong role in the fact that I have been sober the past two years and my sobriety in general for the past 3.5.

You have went thru tons.
I hope people read your story.
And again.

You also have gained tremendously.....even ask your wife and kids.

Why don't you simply list the changes that come to your mind?

I recently wrote a gratitude list and it numbered 100 without too much thinking.

Continued hatzlachah

Thank you for your post, MBJ. While it may not be the most uplifting, it was honest and sincere. We could use some more of that in this world and in these forums. Considering you're struggling still, do you have a plan for the future? I hate to say this, but so long as one isn't trying to change, I don't really give any weight to their complaints or issues. I know that I can't change anyone and if someone isn't trying to do that himself then all I can have is empathy, but nothing more.

Sometimes the road is muddy and bumpy, it's foggy, the wipers don't work, the transmission won't get out of low gear. There's traffic backed up for miles. It looks like we will never get there. But all that matters is to drive in the right direction. The journey IS the destination.

KOMT!

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 01 Nov 2016 15:54:

It looks like we will never get "there."

The journey is the destination.

"There" is the journey.....nothing else.
There is no pot of gold waiting.
There are no 70.....whatever, not even one.

Simply put....which way is the car facing right now?
זה הכל

Thank you guys for the kind words and chizzuk. It means a lot especially coming from you guys. I know you are right. Like I said we have such high expectations for ourselves. But recovery is about living in reality not fantasy. So while I may not be living up to the fantasy of what I should be. I have to be happy with the reality and keep the car pointed to the destination that can only be reached after 120 years.

Thanks
Eli

MBJ wrote on 02 Nov 2016 07:40:

II am dealing with some of this stuff outside of this issue as well, and therefore I will nitpick again. Yes, there is a destination of after 120, but that is not the one we should be focused on לפענ"ד. The destination is the present moment. It is the direction the car is facing and moving. It is the moment we make the correct decision. That moment. It is not only a slogan....it is living life. That is the way a messed up guy like me needs to live.

It sounds like a lot has changed.  Growth is slow.  We don't see it as it happens.  But, you mentioned many differences between 4 years ago and now.  If that is not progress, I don't know what is?!  You have a lot to be proud of.  Keep Trucking.

I was listening to a shiur last night and he mentioned the maaseh with Amnon and Tamar. The Rav was talking about the strange emotions of Amnon that went from lovesickness before he raped her to extreme disgust afterwards. I never had a problem understanding that specific story. All too many times I have had a desire so strong that I just could not control myself. I would be shaking with the desire. Then as soon as I was finished I find the thing so disgusting and myself so disgusting. 

I remember the first and only time I bought a porn VHS. I planned and plotted. Timed it so no one would see, went to a place where no one would know me. Even if they did I had my excuse for being there. Put on a baseball hat and a hood, c"v someone should know I was a religious Jew. Then I had it and I was so excited. After I watched it and maturbated I was so disgusted I destroyed it right then. I ripped out the tape. I cracked the case. I shredded the box it came in. It truly was disgusting. But before the act it was so special so sweet. The best thing I ever bought.

Well put.  I can relate.

I got to 90 days again. Yay. I have to give my thanks to Hashem because I literally did nothing. I said to Him if He will do all the work for me again I will gladly do another 90 days.

Oy vavoy to me if I start doing any of the work by myself. That will be the day that I will be a step closer to falling again.

MBJ wrote on 15 Nov 2016 08:21:

It says on this week's parsha 
קטנתי מכל החסדים ומכל האמת שעשית את עבדך
Sometimes when I take stock of all the bracha Hashem has given me in my life I become scared. I know I have done nothing to deserve all the amazing hashgacha pratis that He shows me. I fear one day He will decide that I have been given enough matnas chinam and take it all away. Like it was a loan to see what I did with it. I fear He'll say that I am not showing enough return on His investment in me and will decide to sell. I know I can't control that but it scares me nonetheless.

We are never truly deserving of Hashem's gifts. This is another trick of the yetzer harah coming to you so you cannot be oved hashem b'simcha.

KOT with your head up high and let those cheshbonas not be on your mind.

So true yiraishamaim. Realizing that none of us truly deserves the good things we have ever gotten is so important in that respect.

But thank G-d that MBJ can accept, face, take ownership of his true feelings, and even then go and express them. That is higher 'madreiga' than most people ever reach...certainly most yidden who struggle with pornography, masturbation, etc. Those who stay on very high madreigos of awareness in their minds but do not recognize and accept and admit their true  feelings, are the people who are masturbating even though they are successful in learning, kiruv, chassidus and harbotzas Torah. And those are the people who GYE is made for and filled with, b"H.

B"H there is a place for MBJ and others to come and be open about their true feelings. And your counsel is so true. But I hope you get my point. The admission he is making is no chisaron at all. On the contrary, if he keeps it up he will eventually be rewarded with living a life that is no longer a stirah minei ubei. Most good frum yidden shy away from speaking out the truth because of shame and fears that they's be told off for doing so...and (not you, but) others have responded to them using words similar to yours - and it was just a way to say, "Oh, no, that's not the derech, don't say that, chaver." Nearly every person I have ever spoken to here on GYE admits they have had such an experience in one form or another along the way that discouraged them from being fully self-honest...

Get my meaning? Hope it was helpful just for sharing a thing I see occurring in many places. 

And a gut voch to all! 

"... thank G-d that MBJ can accept, face, take ownership of his true feelings, and even then go and express them. That is higher 'madreiga' than most people ever reach..."



The admission he is making is no chisaron at all. On the contrary, if he keeps it up he will eventually be rewarded with living a life that is no longer a stirah minei ubei.

 Well said on many levels.



Thank you.