Hey GYEers. I have bad news to report. I have fallen. Lost my sobriety. I was 624 days clean and I fell. I found a huge hole in my mental filter and it felt too darn good to close even though I knew it was obscenely wrong. So once I fell I devided why not fall a few more times for good measure.

So here I am with 3 days sober. With G-d's strength and my effort perhaps it will stick this time.

I was thinking about it and I think I know what the problem is. After almost two years sober, I figured I could lust like a gentleman, and we all know where that leads.

So I got to the point of my body acting badly while my brain was screaming what the heck are you doing are you nuts. Stop now. But I just kept moving on.

So now I have to remind myself I am in fact an adfict. Lust is toxic to me and I have to cut out all forms. I have ststopped reading novels, stopped watching tv on my own. I am also trying to get back to talking to Hashem more often.

I am still not sure how to fill the emptyness.

Sorry to hear about your fall. But almost 2 years that's Gevaldigggg!!!

Welcome back. KOMT!!!

Sorry to hear about your fall, glad to see you posting. Now at least you know that it can be done. There is no reason you can't do it again.

Sorry. It's good to see you, though. The forum needs you back.

Bigmoish wrote:

ditto

Some share!

b'hatzlachah

I LOVE YOU HASHEM. THANK YOU.

I was so close to falling. But I said first I have to hang up the laundry. So I hung it out, but the desire was still unbelievably strong. So I said, first I have to play a game, still no good. Then do some work, still not good. Check the potatoes in the oven, still no good. All the while I'm asking for help, but its not working. My brain is a mush, only thinking of masturbating.

Then I said let me do some thank yous. So I start thanking Hashem. After about 20 different thank yous I feel a little better. Then after about 30 I feel 90% better. Still not 100%, but baruch Hashem, I should make it until I go to sleep.

Although I havent posted in a while, I feel a need to give you a full fledged 'thank you' for the chizuk I got from that post, MBJ.

Welcome back- חזק ואמץ!!!!!!!!

Yasher koach for sharing this with us!

I can so much relate to everything you wrote.

When the brain is under the influence, it's really difficult to think about anything else. I've found that making a commitment to someone, even if it's just a day at a time in the beginning, helps.

Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha. If we're not happy, it's impossible to serve Him properly.

I remember my first fall after having been clean for a day over 6 months on GYE. It was the first time I was open with people about it. It was actually one of my happiest days. I had so much to be thankful for! The outpouring of support and encouragement was incredible. I was so grateful to Hashem for helping me get as far as I did, and I asked Him to help me continue.

Anyways, I hope something in this helps!

The emptiness, always the emptiness. I feel like I have been lonely most of my life. There were a few magical years with my wife when that went away. But as our marriage deteriorated, due in a large part to my addiction, it came back strong. Lust, pornography, fantasy and masturbation were my solace. The things I turned to to lift my spirits. Problem is the lady few times I masturbated and watched porn it left me cold. I don't know if it was the extended sobriety times that helped, but the comfort I used to get from acting out was completely gone. Even the physical pleasure was muted, maybe because I realized just how stupid, pointless and nonsensical it was.

During my 20 months of sobriety, I was trying to find different ways to fill that emptiness. Or just ignore it. I said to myself I don't need to feel connected, or my connection is being the provider of my house and family. That giving is how I receive. That is true to some extent, but still sometimes I want to feel like someone cares for me, like someone is looking out for me just for me, not based on what they get out of it.

I know that there is someone out there like that, but I can't give Hashem a hug at night before I go to bed.

Recently I had a thought. All those times I felt lonely, I wasn't really alone. I am never alone. Hashem is everywhere. (cue uncle moishy) My loneliness is only because I am not trying to see Him. When I talk to Hashem or daven I always think I am talking up to the Heavens. But that is like sending a letter by post to go to my next door neighbor. Hashem is right next to me. I am never alone.

So while I am still not sure how to give Him a hug, at least I know I am never alone.

I can very much relate to that feeling of loneliness. It may help to have a close friend you can talk to about this, and who'll be there to give you that healthy touch (hug). Have you opened up to your wife about your syruggles and triumphs in this area? Perhaps she can give you that love if she'd see you open up in such a deep and emotional way. To connect on a deeper level. Hatzlacha, and I'm sending you a virtual hug.

A question for those with some insight. How do I deal with the obsession?

Even when I am being good, I spend way too much mental energy on my addiction. Why I am falling off the wagon I think about how to go about getting my next hit.
When I am good I am still always thinking about the sex I am not having, the girls I am not ogling, the porn I am not watching and the masturbation I am not doing.

Additionally, here comes summer again.
"I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes" - the rolling stones. Who knew they were into shmirat eynayim.

I try to be aware of the thoughts when they enter my mind instead of letting them slip in, making themselves comfortable. As soon as I realize those thoughts are there, I tell myself that those thoughts are not welcome and then I kick them out by thinking about other things. Sometimes I'll focus on something, anything - like the words on a cereal box, or a spot on the wall - that is outside my head.

So basically, awareness, termination, and moving on. I don't dwell on anything that happens before the awareness.

I was thinking something along those lines. Thanks for the feedback.

Do you find that it helps reduce the frequency of the thoughts?

One of the benefits of the 12 steps is that when those things happen, we realize that we are indulgin' in self instead of God and life.
While I like Skep's idea and have heard it from him many times and it works, the question is for how long? how many battles can we wage and win?
yes, some will answer: just one! that's all we are concerned with.
That bein' said, I am far, far from recovery.
I just know that to 'win,' I cannot enter the arena.

don't get me wrong; it is still a helluva of a plan and ya' all should try it out.

b'hatzlachah