So I fell and I have fallen two more times for good measure.

Like last time, after letting this bad habit back in it takes some effort to get it under control again.

I was thinking that I need some motivation to get going, but I don't know where to turn. I started thinking my wife is supposed to go to mikvah in a little while so maybe I can hope she will go and hold off on that hope. But then I though as cordnoy likes to say hope is a 4 letter word. I bad dirty word that gets you expecting something and causing you to crash if it doesn't work out. So then I am thinking, but I have to have hope that my marriage will turn out, for as Pamensky says, this is the most important relationship in your life.

But then I start thinking, maybe he is wrong, maybe your marriage is the 2nd most important relationship in your life. The first is your relationship with yourself. (I am sure that is something that Dov has said before.)

The reason I should be clean is not because of my wife, although that would be a nice side effect. The reason I should be clean is because I should have enough self respect to not reach for masturbation to dose away my tiredness, frustration and discontent. So while it is a tempting and pleasurable experience, it is one that has nothing to it. It is totally and completely empty. It has the same potential to solve your problems as drugs or alcohol. Which I guess is really the point.

So while true that this is not something that I have not realized before, it is good to reiterate to get it into my thick skull. Kind of like hilchos tumah or Fourier Transforms. It take going over a few times before it really leaves a impression.

So while I may not have had the epiphany that will keep me from falling ever again, I feel better now and as we say, one day at a time, one moment at a time right?

Eli

Yup, no epiphanies needed. All you need to know is that you are going to stay clean and strong RIGHT NOW!!! The next minute is just as far as a million years!

Get back up, and KOT!!

Thanks Pidaini.

So I am at 4 days again. I feel better now though, time will tell if my head is truly back in the place it should be, but I think it is.

One consolation is unlike my last fall, my turnaround (if this is it) has been faster and with less falling than last time. That too is a sign of progress.

Eli

it should be b'hatzlachah

and yes, I am not a big fan of "hope."

it does not rely on "action."
I just "hope" that things get better.
that does not cut it with an addiction such as ours.
it also does not cut it with a marriage.
what are you/I doing about breaking the addiction/stopping the pattern?
what are you/I doing to better the marriage?

should we just sit by and "hope" that things will improve?

I "HOPE" NOT!!!

KOT!!!!

Thanks cordnoy.

So my wife's next mikvah appointment is coming up, and I said to her, If I promise to not ask for sex will you go to the mikvah?

She just said I am not supposed to go until next week. So I said that is what I meant next week. She did not answer me.

So maybe she will go, maybe she won't. If she does I will say thank you and respect my promise. (Should be easy, haven't asked in almost 2 years.) If she doesn't I will try to talk to her as to why she would refuse.

No hope, no expectations. We'll see.

wow!
I certainly feel for you.
The actions of not askin will speak louder than the promise.

So I asked my wife if we should abstain in some way for several months. She said, "You tried that already and you didn't keep it." I persisted, "Perhaps this time...now that I'm improving." She said, "Do what you want." Bottom line...I will. I hope
plan that my actions will speak out. I already started not touching yesterday. I gotta kick that lust/love/lust/love (bs)/lust outta my head (and elsewhere).

b'hatzlachah to all

As I said in other times, it may not be for everyone, but abstaining sure has helped me get my head straight, granted my case is more extreme than I would recommend.

That being said, I don't think that should mean that you should not touch her at all, if you can stand it. Non-sexual touching is very important, and may even be a way of showing her that every time you touch her is not just to get her into bed with you.

yes, ive been busy with pemansky's "affectionate touch," but i gotta be real careful....from my standpoint, of not turning it into lust, and from her standpoint, of showing and demonstrating that i can do it, and it is not a necessity, and that she can be free to explore or express herself without getting yanked into bed.

For sure there is a very fine line for us with lust issues between affection and lust. A line that blurs for me as well. But it is a very important distinction that me must learn.

IF you know in your head that sex is an impossibility, which is what you want right now, because you want to try to abstain, then it is easier to separate the two.

Good Luck
Eli

not an "impossibility," for the door is still opened, but something that i would rather not do right now....good for both of us, i think

thanks

b'hatzlachah

Separate idea.

Is it weird that my in the last few times I have had a מקרה לילה I dreamed that I had to update my 90 day chart to enter a fall?

A מקרה לילה is NOT a fall. The dream is all part of that sneaky ba****** YH's dirty tricks, to make you think "I fell anyway, may as well enjoy it".

I know you're going through a real tough time, i can't imagine having to deal with something like that. But you seem to be on the rihht track and your patience will definitely pay off in the end. Hatzlacha KUTGW & KOMT!!!

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


I know I don't have to update. That was part of the dream. In my dream I was telling myself, I have to update my chart.

MBJ wrote:

It may be weird but I've had it before also. And I dreamt how awful it was going to be posting my fall on my thread.

But Gevura is right. We can't let it get to us.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

I dreamt that there was the huge funeral procession out a balabos's window and he went out to see who it was for...made his way to the head of the line and asked the quiet guy at the casket who it was...he told him it was his mother-in-law. The balabos then asked him how she died and he told him that his dog just went and killed her. After a minute, the balabos asked him if he can borrow his dog.

The guy said, "Wait in the back of this line."

Boy, what a dream.