Just watched a bunch of trailers which I still seem to be able to get past my K9 filter, I know a not good move.
Need chizuk in this area.

oy

I have no doubt that the trailers are made to tempt you to see the movie. They probably use every psychological trick in the book to get you to want more.

Like drugs, the first one is free but your gonna pay if you want more

Take a look at the newest edition of Jewish Action, There is an article by a frum screenwriter-Once upon a time movies were a permsissible way of spending an evening. Today's Hollywood promotes shmutz and violence in a way that a GP-13 or R rated film today really is closer to what was previously an R or R"L worse.

Lets make this clear. If a film maker spends 100 million dollars on a film that is terrible but makes $150 million dollars he gets to make another movie.

A film maker who spend 100 million dollars and produces a masterpiece but only pulls in $50 million will probably not have another opportunity to make another big bidget film.

...so they put whatever they can into the movie to make people want to see it

The article in Jewish Action is important to read so that we are aware of the cultural and intellectual milieu in Hollywood that peddles that which can best be described as a cultural, moral and political wasteland.

how is it going tzadik?

BH good, although this morning I was in a foul mood.

I was first mad at my wife then mad at myself for being mad.

I davened to Hashem for 15 minute and just kept on repeating myself, asking hashem to help me get past my upsetness.

I spoke with my wife who was upset that I was upset and told her that It's my fault that I'm upset not her's (she thought that she caused it)

I told her that I was just upset that I was upset by the thing that upset me (this is getting completely ridiculous).

I left her a few love notes before I left to work.

That made her feel better and me feel better

reallygettingthere wrote:


which is the same as saying "I was upset because I got upset because it upset me that i got upset about the thing that upset me"

I've been AWOL.

See the challenge two posts above. From there, I had slowly slipped down hill. I was spending free time lusting. I was watching myself go down and felt that I could not do anything to stop it I spoke to someoneone about it briefly and we made up to speak longger bu that never happened.

Yesterday I renewed the taphsic that helped me get off the ground last time...

and magically yesterday went ok.

I am not using the ninety day chart. I dont want to think about 90 days

In a nutshell, this last tekufa was started by two things:

1. Constantly beating myself up for being a financial screw up (even though for the past 15 month my situation has been getting better and better)

2. I consciously let myself slip (as apposed to being put in a situation that was not in my control)


BH the approach that I took worked for me. B'ezras Hashem I will continue.

Eli

I was just about to ask where you were!!

It's good to have you back with us!!

the approach....you mean the taphsik?

KUTGW!! KOMT!!!

and KOP!!!

Thanks

The approach is a combination of a few things. Taphsic is one if the elements.

Sounds great!

Lets us all be blessed with no more 'working on ourselves' based on trying to run as fast as we can from facing the truth about the way we are. Instead, may self-acceptance be the basis and starting point of our avodah on ourselves and on the way we face Hashem and our human loved ones.

A great tzaddik once said "A yid can start serving Hashem right from where he is standing now."

Another great tzaddik after him said, "A yid has the absolute right to start serving Hashem right from where he is standing now."

I would humbly put this idea a bit differently for myself and for the sexaholics I meet, and say, "The absolute only place we can start serving Hashem from, is the place we are really standing now."

Too many are trying to serve Hashem from a place they aren't standing in. I did that for far too long...and all that avodah did was convince me that masturbation was better. Now I see things much differently, b"H.

So interesting. I found that I did not try to go back on the 90 day chart because I was worried that if I fall again after being on the chart for a while I will be depressed by the fact that I was clean for "so long" and I blew it.

CRAZY!!!

I was worried about how I was going to deal with my next fall before I had even picked myself up from the current fall.

On Friday I signed back up on the chart. Not to get to 90 but simply as a way to track my progress. (Yes, with keeping in my that I simply need to be clean now)

Gut Voch

Eli

HI ELI!!!!

You all right?

Yes BH. Thanks for asking.

At one point in my attempt to get up after drudging along I realized that I need to recognize the baby steps as accomplishments (duh). In my case not wasting time was always a problem (oh, I need to do one more thing before I...)

Obviously, when addicted to porn there are endless opportunities to waste time on things that feel really good.

The wasting time problem always translates into sleep deprivation, which leads to less focus and lowered will power which lead to falling etc.

I am happy to say that last week was better than the week before and this week is better than last week as far as getting enough sleep goes AND I got back into exercising (including two brisk walks with my wife). One of the things that lead to my fall in after many days clean was the fact that I was constantly beating myself up abut my poor financial decisions. I simply can't do that. It's bad for me (and probably bad for the people around me as well). I need to be honest about what I'm doing right and thank Hashem for those accomplishments.

On a side note, a few days ago, I found myself blurting out "I love you Hashem" when I realized that even though the typical money problems that creep up when I start loosing control were surfacing, an unusually amount of extra income was also sent my way.

I have no plans on staying clean forever, just today.

Baruch Hashem I am feeling calm and thankful.


Eli