Just had a long chat with a GYE member. Help me identify where some of my struggles are.

Thank you very much

Eli

Woo! Eli, that's beautiful. I am so glad for you. The ikkar to me is the phone call you are making daily to open up about how your day went.

So many of us see the things that get the snowballing started - and all they end up paying attention to is stopping the first drink. They figure that "as long as I am strong and do not take that first drink, I will beat this thing!"

...But soon they discover that even though it sounds so sensible, focusing on the first drink doesn't really work over the long term!

The emmess - what really works - is learning how to live differently. Not 'how to lust differntly'. By working on your day and focusing on yourself and your attitudes, you are saying, "I am tired of the familiar derech (practiced by the overwhelming majority of frum guys struggling with this stuff) that is: of controlling their lusting. I am admitting that the problem is not 'out there' with the pretty girls I see or in the computer in front of me - and not even in the 'yetzer hora' that G-d gave me. Rather, my problem is me, my brain, my attitudes, the way I face reality. How I face the life that Hashem gives me and live it, needs to (slowly) change."

Wow, you are so lucky!

And anyway, when our focus is on 'not drinking' then we are really focused on the subject of drinking - all the time. That's referred to as 'living in the problem' and always eventually leads to failure. It's just a matter of time.

Wooh! KOT!

Dov wrote:


I second that. As scary and dramatic as those first calls seem, they are suppoed to be a part of daily life, not a once-in-a-lifetime event.

--Elyah

Four months ago Dov hit me over the head by making me realize how dishonestly I was acting. A dishonest person will have almost no chance to recover.

I had resolved to make honesty the focus of my recovery.

It is a slow process. Being honest can hurt, but it hurts a lot more not to be honest.

The pain of honesty will go away leaving me with yishuv hada'as.

The temporary yishuv hada'as obtained by being dishonest will leave me and others with pain for a long time.

What is my wife supposed to do if she can't count on me to be honest with her. She will always second guess what I say and will always be uncertain whether or not she can count on me.

My wife knows that things are different now.

I was a functional addict (usually). I always got stuff done, but it was always a mediocre job (at best). I would rely on my talents and brains to make up for my lack of taking care of things when they needed to get done. I was always in emergency mode because I was in the bathroom looking at porn and masturbating until the 11th hour.

I was always late to everything and always too busy for my wife and kids.

I'm writing this because I feel like that I'm being pulled back twards my past and I need to clarify to my self that no matter what comfort lusting might bring me it has never made my life better. (I know that addicts don't think, but these thoughts do help before I get "areingetun")

I love my wife and kids more than anything else in the world.

May you all be blessed with the love and nachas that I have been privileged to have.

(I know I mentioned this a few weeks ago) I'm gonna go and set up the leicheter instead of porning.

PS: It's been more than four month since I last masturbated (I know, I know there is to recovery that not masturbating, but this is something that I am proud of achieving. I have not had four months of not masturbating in over 20 years!)

Good Shabbos,

Eli

Thank you for sharing. Great stuff!

Kol hakavod on your 4 months and for the beautiful idea of the leichter prep

keep on rocking and rolling

have a great shabbos

Fantastic! Kein Yirbu on sobriety and honesty!

Thank you Gibbor and ZS

Thanks for writing about all that!

--Elyah

Just checking in to say hi.

BH things haven't gotten worse. Actually, they've gotten a little better. I don't feel the pull towards porn as I was feeling over the past few weeks. Even though I've been feeling quite stressed out, and in the past this source of stress would have had me wasting hours in the bathroom looking at porn, I don't feel that pull and preemptively knowing that the desire might rear it's ugly head at any time keeps me focused and on top of my game.

Thank you Gevurah (37) for helping me acheive clarity on that matter

That's great!

--Elyah

BH today was another "setting up the leichter instead of masturbating Friday"

A short thought:

Today was the day that K'lal Yisrael was "k'ish echad b'lev echad".

Perhaps b'derech d'rush we can say that the individual people were k'ish echad b'lev echad"

We stugglers often feel like there are two different people inside of us, aq normal, rational, G-d fearing person and a porn addict who is uncontrollable.

Our job is to do whatever we can to behave like we are one person.

Someone who acts like a tzadik when they feel like it and then acts like an uncrontroable beast when they feel like it and does nothing to change is hopelss

Only someone who isn't two faced can be a kli to be m'kabel the Torah. If only your sane personality is receiving the Torah, then the other half is free to do whatever it want and the same guf that you use to shuckle when you daven and sit in a sukkah, and bake matzos with is also drowning in the mud.

Let's be sincere in our efforts, "vyached l'vaveinu l'ahava ul'yirah es shimecha".

In that zechus may we merit to be m'kabel the Torah b'ahava and b'simcha.

Wow! That's a super gevaldig vort! Shkoyach!

Shabbat Shalom (lemme go do the leichters)

MT

Just heard a great quote

"I feel like life is an obstacle course. The problem is that I am my biggest obstacle"

Get out of your own way and be great!

I say that the admitting that he chooses between setting up lechter or masturbating is far more precious than any vort.

Torah and vorts we here all have plenty of, b"H. 'One more bit' won't tip any scales for us.

Rather, it is the rare and precious honesty that will make a change for us all. A change that matters to us, to the Torah and to the rest of our lives. The more we witness honesty in action, the better chance many of us will actually try some of it ourselves.

(This admission by Reallygettingthere is so precious because it smashes the lie we told ourselves that addicts live inside Rav Dessler's 'n'kudas habechirah'. Regular earth people do - not addicts, apparently. Imagine: choosing between lechter or masturbating in the toilet. Hmm...must be we need a different approach because we are different. That is: we who are addicts are sick.)

So thanks Reallygettingthere! Precious!

Thank you Dov.

Today I actually had to actively make a decision to do that. (like there was a struggle inside of me)

Hashem gave me the strength to do the right thing.

Have a sweet and peaceful Shabbos.

Eli