i've been crazy for the last day

it

sucks

limes

Ein adam choteh elah im cain nichnas bo ruach shtus

"A person does not sin unless a spirit of insanity enters them"

At least if you know that you are crazy you know that your perception is skewered and you cant rely on your own judgement.

Remember the GI Joe motto

"Now you know, and knowing is half the battle"

(But only half and half isn't a majority so knowing does not equal winning and we all know what happens if we fight for too long and don't see any success... (slip, fall, anger and sadness)


My point is that when you suddenly think you get it, you are no closer to the finish line; though you might have an easier time getting there if you do something about it...

ps I don't remember the last time I used a semi colon

pps I also don't remember the last time I quoted GI Joe

ppps I also don't remember the last time I added three post scripts


(Shut up and stop rambling you're gonna wake the neighbors)

Eli

just a quick update.

No (bad) news is good news.


Recent removal of involvement of specific social media has given me chizuk.

I know that it is nothing on it's own but it is a step towards recovery. I have one less thing distracting me from real life and real living.

The thing that got the ball rolling was my son asking me if he could have "just 5 minutes a day" extra on the computer to check out a specific "deals" website. I told him that in three years of knowing about the site I have only purchased something from it once and I've been checking it out every day. There's no need for you to waste your time, I told him. If you used that time to learn mishnayos, you can finish a few extra mesechtos every year.

Then I thought to myself, "Excuse me. Look who's talking"!

I had just told my son not to waste his time because there are other things that are far more important that can get done instead.

And what have I been doing all this time?

So I walked out on my kidnappers and I'm not looking back. If they chase me I'll worry about it. I have a feeling though that they will only chase me if I turn around to look to see if they are chasing me.

one.. step... forward...

gevaldig! kol hakavod

I just wanted to wish the heiliger oilom here a chag kosher v'someach. There is no doubt that the progress that I have made in the areas of kedusha obtaining sanity is only due to the GYE community. The past six moths have not been perfect but overall have been a time that enabled me to begin living a life that I always dreamed of.

Much love,

Eli

That was beautiful, Eli. We need all the brochos we can get, and all the hakoras hatov we can get, too - so we each learn by example how to appreciate all the good stuff we have!

It's funny, that we feel like Pesach is a real milestone - a bit like R"H and Y"K rolled into one...like starting a new year, a new life. Time to clean the slates, start fresh, etc. That's probably the way it's supposed to be, no?

Thank you Dov.

It is another opportunity. On Pesach Hashem took us out of the 49th level of impurity as an act of chessed.

That same light is there again now. All we need to do is follow the footsteps of our ancestors.

They went ahead and slaughtered their biggest impediment to connect with Hashem.

They denied the proported power of the idols.

They proclaimed that not everything that makes you feel good is good.

And did something about it. They didn't sit wallowing in pity and self deprication. They did something.

We all need to do something real because that will show Hashem that we are serious.

Did klal Yisroel instantly drop their feelings and desires for the idolatry? I'm guessing that you don't drop 210 years of assimilation that quickly. But they did SOMETHING.

That's why they were redeemed.

May we all merit to continue doing something.

Eli

reallygettingthere wrote:


Really appreciated that line.

--Elyah

Yes, but it is so sad that so many of us guys hear "do something real," and interpret that to mean just:

* fast (which just makes us even more prone to need porn or sex with self)

* say the tikkun klali (which either gives us a false sense of security that "things are OK, or at least better!", even though nothing whatsoever has changed)

* limit our escapades to 'only certain days' (more make-believe)

* read Shaarei Teshuvah or learn more Torah (which makes it even clearer to us that we are really, really 'bad'...but does nothing to help us stop, anyhow)

* punish ourselves even worse with k'nasos of money or shaming (even though 'the fox is still guarding the henhouse', of course!)

Anything but killing shame by opening up to a real person - or opening up more honestly and completely to those we have started to get honest with! Anything but change the game. It's much easier for us to change the way we play - as long as the rules of the game remain the same...

Hey...ah giten yontiff!

Dov,

Based on what you just wrote, I think we can say that doing something does not mean "doing something to demonstrates how bad you feel about your sins".

If you feel bad that you sinned you are not special

Yup, not special. It doesn't take a great scholar to feel bad when he knows he did something wrong.

Doing something means doing something that will help treat your problems, not your symptoms.

Dov wrote:


...you forgot to mention:

* Dunk in a mikveh repeatedly until you turn into a prune--that's the siman that your sins are forgiven, sort of like that red thread turning white in the Beis HaMikdash on Yom Kippur.

--Elyah

Hi Chevra,

I haven't really posted much over the past few days. I was staying in a house that had the internet white-listed at the server level so I didn't have too many opportunities to post.

I just had a slip. A slip like this in the past would have brought me down. I was in a situation where I knew from the start that I would sooner or later see something that I should not have.

I just told my CE partner exactly what I did. I have never done that before, so IYH that will be a step in the right direction

I'm trying to figure out if I need to reset the 90 day count. I kind of feel that if I need to ask the question the I probably do need to reset the count.

I'm open to suggestions.

Perhaps its a coincidence that i started having trouble after some time not posting... perhaps not.

In other news: I haven't masturbated in more than 90 days. I have never in my life had a streak this long. BH


I understand very clearly that the goal of being sane isn't simply to refrain from masturbating... but I'm obviously better off this way so this is a reason to be thankful to HKBH for giving me this opportunity.

It's clear to me that the focus on honesty in my life has made me happier and has given me a better life. There is no doubt that my success I just feel like smiling more than I ever have.(even one of my rabbeim noticed the smiling)

So all you guys on the forum old and new, don't give up. Yes, we may fall sometimes and regret that we could have prevented it, but we need to go "veiter" no matter what.

Identify what contributed to the fall deal with the threat, pick yourself up and reach for the stars.

Eli

you have a great attitude! keep smiling
kol hakavod

thanks.

and your giraffe has great altitude

i'm not so sure, a giraffe that only reaches the shabbos table can't be that tall.
but you do have a great atitude, eli, thanks for sharing it!!!
KOT KOMT!!!