ahhh.... tonight's gonna be rough.

spending all night on the computer doing image searches for a big test tomorrow.

PLEASE DAVEN FOR ME !!!!!!!!!!

Do you have someone you could call every 30 minutes (or whatever makes sense)?  AND to call if you are feeling weak?  Can you work in an area that others can see?  Why all night?  Did you wait until the last minute?  All night doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Just my thoughts.

i don't have anyone to call at the upcoming hours....

will anyone be willing to speak briefly every hour till 12ish?

YOUR TEPHILLOS WORKED!!!!
i've made it through the night. left my place of solitude and went to go study in a more public location. wound up studying much better. abandoned using the internet much earlier in the night.

shkoyach gadol chevra

I can't type that much now cuz of time and cuz I'm on my phone- I just wanna say I am very inspired by how real your writing is. I hope that describing your feelings is helping you to close that gap inside as opposed to expanding it- it certainly does seem so. May you have a wonderful shabbos and please continue to write more- there are live people jear who are affected greatly when s/o shares so honestly, and articulately. Thanks!

Confidence wrote on 02 Dec 2011 05:15:

GREAT! INCREDIBLE! AMAZING! WONDERFUL! KUTGW!

i couldn't sleep last night with all the pressure of nonsense.

i started reflecting (i know not necesaarly the best of things)

it came to my attention that i had read on the forum of someone else's hardship recently and it made me realize what i love about porn and Mas.

it makes me feel powerful

within my own fantasy, anything is possible. people become objects, i become their masters, i have the ability to punish or reward to my liking. but this is simply my own way of coping with powerlessness that i have over reality.

so in making my shift into recovery i want to try and regain power over things i should have control over.

the way i use my time, the projects into which i invest, the way i interact with others. this new shifting of voltage might just change the world and bring me to new levels of confidence and self-esteem. only this time, they might be products of reality

Sweet!

Now, "hakol bidei Shomayim" doesn't mean that we can't do anything, rather, it means that outcomes are 100% in His hands, alone. In other words, we are powerless over outcomes - and that is as true for non-addicts as it is for addicts. All we humans can do is try our hearts out.

So if the power you crave means the ability to make things happen, I bet you are barking up the wrong tree - it'd be just more fantasy. No, not dirty fantasy...but for one like me, it's fantasy that I am allergic to, not just sex with myself (or with anyone else). Not just schmutz. It is the fantasy of what I could be feeling that makes the porn so powerful and sweet, to me. It is it's entire power. I am powerless over it, for sure, and I want no power over it, either! I want to have nothhing to do with it at all, from today ad yom mosee.

Fantasy - dimyon - and is at the root of typical lust behaviors, it seems. I think many experience it this way...maybe everyone. Nu. Maybe you are different, maybe not.

Either way, you have come a long way already, so.....

Alei v'hatzlach!!

Shkoyach....
      but just to confirm i got the message clear, you're saying that we can't really hope to change anything but our attitudes? results are not in our hands, for better or for worse.

what's interesting,( and i know philosophy may just be overthinking) is that its very hard to actually want to change

i'd be lying through my teeth if i really said i want to change and told Hashem that. I think that for many, this is all too true. we know we have done something wrong. we know we have experienced a degree of pleasure through that action/thought but not knowing how to access a greater degree of pleasure (or not having ever tasted it) makes longing for change difficult. Its too far away and i want my cake NOW!~!

instead, the best i seem to be able to do is to WANT TO WANT TO CHANGE. i can ask H' for that at least. i know something better exists and i know its attainable, at some cost. but i know that deep down that is something i can control ~ the wanting to want something.

and only from there can i begin to grow........

It's also  a madreiga if we want to WANT to change.

(Just dropped in to say hello).

You're doing great.

--Elyah

Maybe, just maybe, this feeling of power you have is actually a taste of freedom.

Try putting it in the place of the word power and see how it feels.

Just a suggestion.

Really.

ciao.

8)

elya - 100% its better to want to change.. just sometimes its too diffucult/unatainable level to reach

dov - i hope that i soon begin to recognize that feeling to truly be affiliated with freedom. for the time being, i'm battling internally.

anyone here ever realize that they are entirely capable of achieving happiness but are not interested in tapping into it because it feels fake or forced? i know many are of the opinion that happiness is a decision, but how can i feel comfertable living without it thought out? it just seems absent-minded rather than purpose driven and meaningful......

the last point i have for now is that i really want to start working on controling what i read. i've filled my mind with so much garbage for my connection to Hashem. I wanna make these 90 days free of all the a pik orsus that i've been drinking in. i continue to try and re-afirm my emunah but find it wavers continually.

btw, still clean 11 days in

I have experienced that quandary of wanting 'thought out happiness'. By me that was a code word for a mental dynamic that went like this- I hate being sad. Sechel is emmes and is everlasting. If I have a secheldige happiness I will never be sad.

It works out in theory. The problem with this is that I was using it to run from pain not to improve my outlook in a healthy way. I happen to be human, and humans by nature experience periods of time when they depart from acting/epxperiencing life through their intellect.

Thanks for helping me realize that.

Ps- not sure if you got was dov was trying to express- if I may.... It seems you are fighting valiantly. And I wish you great luck and success. But 'fighting' can only take you so far, as can will power. The truth is, IF you are an addict, 'freedom' as you term it, is NOT in your hands. Its in G-d's. When u place urself in HIS hands, and place your sobriety in His hands, u'll taste te freedom u looking for.

I have been telling myself all sorts of messages my whole life... I'm a failure, I'm useless, I'm incompetent, I'm totally miserable.  These thoughts definitely affected me--even though they're not true.

So, why shouldn't I feed myself positive messages, and be affected by them, in the exact same way (only better).

I've made a concious effort to do this, and made up a brief list of affirmations that I tell myself every morning.  It has been very powerful.

--Elyah

Great advice guys. glad to hear i'm not alone with this.

i took a fall this morning.

but for me, 11 days is no small accomplishment so instead of being down on myself i'm gonna just keep moving. no time for sorrow here. and in honor of my word, GYE is owed 20$ for that fall.
to put up strong deterent, if i fall in the next week, i'll owe 40$. after this week itll go back to 20.

but for now just trying to keep moving and count my blessings