First and foremost, the title is MGM lion. no i'm not drooling all over myself, nor do i seem to have lost my ability to speak/type. (although i can't quite vouch for my own sanity)

Ok, i'm back and i got a few new tactics up my sleave. i'm not gonna let my yezer take me down.
i'm trying to get a 90 sponser for my my cleanliness .

        1. calender on my wall showing days clean
        2. chizuk on the back of my door - its been really helping me a lot recently
        3. hung reasons why i want to get clean on my door
        4. regular exercise - already started running a few times a week
        5.  increased social behavior by getting out of my room and spending more time with friends
        6. $20 to GYE per fall over the course of the next month (B'n)

i'm gonna try and post regularly here. just helps to vent. started reading chizuk and daily dose e-mails again. trying to stay on top of school work and prob gonna start talking to someone on the phone once a week.

I just had to read this cuz of the thread name. Sounds like you have given this much thought friend. May you see much success. Have you opened up to people in real life apaprt from this forum too? It seems  that most of your new kabalos are in the bein adom lamakom or virtual space....

i havnt spoken to anyone about this since about a year and a half ago. dov suggested the same thing to me just yesterday. i'm wondering how to go about speaking iwth someone possibly on a weekly basis.

ok.... up to day 5. this is still tough. one day ata time is mymotto. i'm starting to feel capable of doing htis. like its just a matter of will power - which i know is false. but right now i just find myself davening at least 3 times a day that He not let me look. part of me feels like i don't even know why i'm trying to stop. i hear a voice saying i can stop if i wanted to (which i know is false - unless i have an extremely strong deterent not to) and at the same time i have a difficult time imagining life without it. its been such a tremendous drug. i feel like im really going to miss it.

part of me is just angry at life right now. there is so much stress in my life. i have so many things going on and i feel like i'm just a bad oved Hashem overall. its really hard. self-esteem is my biggest struggle through all this. that is one of the main reasons im fighting i suppose - to beleive in myself again.

so many tests and projects for school, i feel like i'm failing my overall tafkid by not living in E"Y and not going into chinuch in USA. i dont know what im chasing and i hav a hard time imagining htat life gets any easier once you start working. i feel like such a crumy eved. im so broken hearted that i cna't even hear an encouraging voice of H' beleiving in me anymore. how could he? i dont know that i believe in myself. i dont know what to beleive.

the past few months i've experienced such a hard time with my own faith. i've exposed myself to things i would never have taken interest in and found myself indulging in Apikorsus. never in the world would i have dreamed of being shaken this hard.

part of me can't help but feel that this is mida k'neged mida. for every bit of self-control that i fail to exert in the area of sexual purity i lose control in my ability to control my level of religious devotion. i take a step back from H' and he takes a step back from me.

part of me feels like its a gift, feeling far from H' once you've tasted the real stuff. its a gift to know what gehenim feels like to motivate you away from it......

life just has been so dry recently....
i used to at least get a rollercoaster high with my teshuva phases but now i took the approach of not beating myself up for my falls which has taken me deeper into my pit while simultaneously giving me the strength and confidence to pull myself out.

lots goin on in my head...... just thought i'd start sharing with the chevra

I was skimming through some of the select quotes from dov last night and found one idea that particularly struck me in a great way.

i'm currently 5 days clean and i can't say i can feel it getting easier. what felt encouraging is that i'm not supposed to necessarily need to learn to 'suck up' the pain or learn to run/fight it but rather change. this particularly struck me for some odd reason.

like sitting in an uncomfertable position, the idea is to get comfy in a new one - not force yourself to sit still.

recovery is about much more than simply overcoming urges. its a lifestyle.

only thing is now how to find a position in my life that works best for me and the world at large....

day 7 now... i find myself sitting alone in my room a lot. i'm on the computer a lot. tons of work, tired, depressed. spending too much energy on draining topics that undermine my faith. trying to get back to my passionate self but having a hard time. hopefully staying clean will help me reach that dvekus i so badly need right now.....

Confidence wrote on 30 Nov 2011 15:30:


Do not be at all surprised if it doesn't seem to help you do that, at all. Do you have any evidence that it does for anybody else?

I can testify that taking positive steps in recovery will give you something you so badly need right now. Just not acting out is awesome - but does not by itself give me anything (except for not feeling like a total piece of garbage....but that's it).

7 days is 7 real, live days of awesome. That's a really awesome gift you got.

You are precious, choshuv, and a great person. I hope you quit accepting the bones of life being thrown at you by lust, just to shut you up. There is real meat and potatoes out there and inside you, in your real life. The lust fantasy food we crave for so deeply is just the already-chewed bones of somebody else's sickness.

It's like sitting on the floor and eating vomit, when there is a feast waiting for you on the table you are under...but all you can see is the floor, cuz you won't try getting up.

Love,

Dov

thanks so much dov. you have me smiling once again.  i really appreciate the chizuk also.... i could really use it. its hard not hearing that voice on a regular basis. i'm wokring on creating my own but its an uphill battle. that and fighting perfectionism. two of my most despised and damaging enemies.

the thing is i still can't testify perse to these 7 days having been 'so much better' than before. its awesome that i'm learning self control and my capabilities but i am having a hard time vouching for a change in attitude. like you said, it can't be expected....

all i know is the more i sober up the less numb i am to the gaping hole in my life. having forgotten many of my values and goals, this is gonna be a long road to real living again..

Just keep staying in the real and let it happen one day at a time. No rush. He runs the world without any help from you or me.

Something I've found helpful in improving my dveikus is speaking to Hashem constantly.  Thanking, praising, asking.  For every little thing.
Plus adding personal bakoshos throughout shmona esrei.

The struggle does get easier, but you probably still have a way to go before then.  I never counted days, so I can't pinpoint when I finally got some peace, but it was many weeks of very strict shmira.  The stricter you are, the less mini-doses of the lust drug, the quicker the real recovery sets in.

Hatzlocha!

thanks so much guys.

today i made a point (as dov reccomended) of helping others and getting out! it was amazing. really refreshing. there's nothing that makes me feel as needed. it also reminds me of how much i have to give to the world. i feel really empowered.

i've also been eating much healthier recently. i can feel a difference in the way i think and feel. excersise has slowly started to take the place of lust. i'm trying to replace the endorfins of one with the other. just need a pick up is all.

is it possible that not falling could be contributing to a lapse of depression i hit today? not having as much dopamine in my system? it was a tremendous source of relaxation only a few short days ago?

anyone else experience this type of thing?

It's called withdrawal. It's as real as it is when someone stops drugs or smoking. Like you said, the body is craving the chemical "rush", and fights desperately to get it when it is not provided. It takes a few weeks to get over it.

Doing exercise definitely will help, and channeling the feelings to help others will make you feel better as well.

Hang in there, it will get better, and we are with you all the way!

Gevura!

Confidence wrote on 01 Dec 2011 00:47:

You must have dropped by O'mottel's kitchen .

Keep it rocking. Btw To run as you said is one of the good ideas.

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 01 Dec 2011 15:05:
Took the words right out of my mouth, amigo...