Mottel, thats a gevaldigger story! grape-juice lechaim!

Oy! They want me to search on Google!
I think you should remove the link, it's lifnei iver.

sorry, i fixed it

I am feeling inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid.
I mean it, these are the feelings I have right now.
My wife hates my guts, I lost my business, two of my kids got broken limbs in the past month; I really want to have a drink, I know it's really bad for me; I'm worried about not getting along with my boss and my supervisor at the new part-time job I got; I was accused by my in-laws of stealing from the family (I didn't); my older kids are far away for the summer, and at least one of them has come down with some kind of illness; I am afraid not to make enough money to meet my obligation to family budget, neither now nor ever.
I wish I didn't have to go through this, or that it was a little easier on everybody. They say that nisyoinos bring one closer to G-d. Does anyone have any experience with what it means.

If you say you are feeling inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid then I am sure you are feeling inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. To me and most of the Forum you are a great, worthy man. I often do not want to remain alive any more and if I was an alcoholic I probably would not be alive any more. None of this has brought me closer to Hashem so I am going to keep my eyes on this thread.


Hatzlocho!

BB, "...most of the Forum..."?? Who would dare?! > > ;D

Mottel, brother, how can you say that? You are a shining example of perseverance in the face of adversity. With all you have been going through, and you have almost a full year of sobriety! We are all getting tons of Chizuk from your journey.

I was outside once watching my kids play and one of them fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He picked himself up and although he was in pain he limped back to join his friends and play. Then he noticed me standing there... Immediately he burst into tears and ran over wailing "Tatty I got a booboo!"

When we recognize that Our Tatty is there with us and we cry to Him from our troubles, then we are close to Him. He is always there, we just don't notice....

May Hashem bring you close to Him and grant you success in all things.

KOMT!!!!
Gevura!

P.S. What's for lunch? ;D
(Oh I forgot. Your Mashgiach quit on you... )

Dear Heilige Mottel,
it pains me to read of your pain
i second this motion:
Blind wrote on 10 Jul 2012 11:09:

here is a thought. the wife may be frustrated and may express it in ways that are not good for her or for you. she is probably in pain. this is not to say that she is justified in doing so, we cannot judge. even though you are responsible to her for a whole list of things (consult the kesuba for a complete run-down), you are ultimately ONLY her husband and sometimes she will be not a happy camper irrespective of what you do.

so she may be problem but she is not (always) your problem.

before anyone throws anything at me, i am not trying to conjure up ways of absolving husbands from taking-out-the-garbage-duty, changing-lightbulbs-duty or mowing-the-lawn-duty, just pointing out that sometimes the wives are worthy of this famous line: we did not cause it, we cannot cure it and we cannot control it.

we need to keep doing good things. to ourselves and to the wife. vesof ha'good feelings' lavo. be'h.

and all the rest of the hard stuff - don't got no answers here but i know what a lot of it feels like and it's not fun.

one thing we can always do is open up a good old Psalms.

i'll put in a good word for you

hang in there

p.s. don't forget the buckwheat

GS and ZS put it well. Hang in there bro. We're with you.

Wow.
I'm davening for you every day. Hashem should give you the koach to pull through.

Hatzlacha Rabba!
Meir

So sad to read of your difficulties. i don't know how you feel but i have been in similar places recently. During those times, i followed the advice of Rav Avigdor Miller and just talked and pleaded and bargained and cried to HASHEM almost constantly. i piled everything on HIM and then piled more. B'chasdei HASHEM those troubles passed and now life is all the more sweeter.
For a long time i have been davening for you and i will continue to do so with renewed vigor. You have helped me and others and in this merit i am absolutely certain HASHEM will deliver you from your challenges. Don't let go of HIS hand and if you have to, you can always jump into HIS arms and let HIM carry you. HE loves you more than you can imagine and only does what is truly GOOD for you.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Öber, from what I read it seems that youre scared of not being able to support the family - Isnt this ironic coming from a guy who's zechusim are protecting klal Yisrael!!! A guy like you who has continued through all of this as strong as anything is holding all of us up - the roof in my house is not collapsing because YOU, my friend are holding it up. Im

Hey, everyone!
Thank you very much for your encouragement and kind words. It will take me a while to agree with your kind descriptions of me. I've lived in the dark for too long, and it is a painful and slow journey into the light, where my qualities, and not just shortcomings and defects, can be seen and acknowledged. But I'm grateful to have you as friends, and I'm sure your compliments will ring true one day.
Certainly appreciate everyone's tfillois, too. Chaimyakov, that's what I've been doing: just piling it all on Him. I couldn't hanlde any of it on my own. ZS, my tehilim regimen is as follows (and has been for years, with some recent additions):
Tehillim for the day of the month right after shacharis.
Finish kap. 119 every week.
A kapitel corresponding to my age (what we call "my kapitel") every day.
The Rebbe's kapitel everyday.
Wife's and kids' kapitlech whenever I have time and remember (few times a week, anyways).
Every Shabbos Mevorchim finish one or more books of tehilim.
But I agree that spontaneous breaking out into tehilim zugging is beneficial.


It's been very rocky with the wife lately. The only way I'm holding on to my sobriety is through realization that I can't help whether she loves me or not. I can't affect that, and I cannot work alone on our relationship, so to speak. Relationship connotes more than one party involved, and I can't demand of her, or force her into a relationship with me.
I can only be honest, present, sober, kind, and loving. I can do the house chores not-begrudgingly. I can attend to the kiddies, and stay true to my commitments, including coming home when I said I would, not forgetting promises I made or things my wife asked me to do.
If Hashem so desires to put loving feelings into my wife's heart once I've kept my side of the street clean, ma toiv.
If He, Yisborach, feels I need to be separated from her and the family, than I can only hope to do His will soberly, willingly, and maybe even cheerfully.
But at this point in life, my first obligation is to myself. I have to be unselfish, for sure, but I must attend to my needs and my sanity first. And I cannot make these things dependent on other people or things or events, but only on Him.
He kept me sober yesterday, and He will do it again if I let Him. He will tend to my needs, and He will surely tend to my family's needs.
And if it is best for my family to be without me ( for a time, or forever) (and please G-d, I hope it is not so), I will not be negative, resentful, or hateful while doing His Will. I know He's got a bright and plentiful future both for me, the wife, and the kids.


I had a shtickle miracle happen today, maybe I'll share it at a later occasion.
Thanks for being here. You guys are nice "tools" in G-d's hands to keep me sober.
Mottel
P.S. Yedid, I just saw your message after typing my response. Again, very kind of you, even though I disagree completely (which, of course, is wrong, too, so I can't ever win...)

obormottel wrote on 10 Jul 2012 04:30:


Inadequate?
You have beautiful eyes!

Unworthy?
You're zugging tehillim!

Alone?
You've got us!

Afraid?
Hashem is here Hashem is there Hashem is TRULY everywhere!

Well, chevra, as of August 3rd it has been 365 days since the last time I watched pornography or masturbated. What do you say about that?
A year sober by Hashem's Grace!
I never thought it was possible.
Also (not to mix simcha b'simcha, but) two weeks sober from alcohol.
Mottel

Mazel Tov!!!! KUTGW!!!!!