Ninety one days ago I was miserable and despondent. I was in a relapse from an attempted (and quite short-lived) sobriety effort. As always, the renewed filth-a-thlon was dragging me deeper than ever before, forcing to search out darker and darker fantasies and visions. The lowest point of that particular escapade was arguably from the lower ones in my adult life: the night before, I got up in front of the whole shul and made a public "siyum" on a maseches I haven't finished learning. And it hit me really hard: the realization that I had no integrity left, that I can lie to dozens of people who are my friends, my Rabbis, my sons' teachers; that I can say the wonderful words of Hadran Aloch and know that I am lying....and all because pictures and videos of people doing all kinds of deviant acts take up so much of my life, that I am only faithful to god of orgasm. That is my only true commitment, for which I would lie, deceive,  manipulate, throw a fit over, neglect responsibility, assign blame.


By then, I have already instinctively made the first step: I acknowledged my problem for what it is, admitted that I am powerless to stop it, and wrote to my Rebbe begging for help. I may have davened that day for Siyata d'Shmaya, too: because while browsing some Israeli website, I saw a GYE banner.
Ninety one days later, I am, by the Grace of G-d, ninety days clean from intentional watching of pornography and masturbation.


Poischim b'cvoid achsanya: I owe hakoras hatoiv to the Riboinoi shel Oilom and Rabbeinu Guard Meshichoi, and the GYE family. I love bickering with Dov, shmoozing with Bardichev, exchanging thoughts with Alexeliezer, ZemirosShabbos, Gevura shebeYesod, Gibbor120, Yosef Hatzadik, Shmeichel.....and everyone else whose name is omitted solely due to space constraints. Thank you! Thank you to Mordechai, who pledged $90 to GYE if I stay clean for 90 days. Thanks to our newest moderator, UAJ, for a consistent flow of good ideas.


Thanks to all the new guys (can you even see me, I'm so high up in the clouds?) for letting me rant and vent on your threads.


Originally, I was going to wait till the end of ninety days and refer back to the handbook, and to the "GYE in the Nutshell" for whether I need additional help. Thank G-d I realize now I will always need additional help.
So I hope to use this thread as an interactive journal (like so many people here have) and take you guys with me to
SOBRIETY AND BEYOND!                SOBRIETY AND BEYOND!

Mazel Tov on the new thread! May you fill it only with good news and happy thoughts.

Gevura!

I'm glad to be truckin with you buddy!

nice shiny new thread Mottel!

hupp cossack!

What are we drinking on this thread? Shlivovitz w/fruit punch?

Looking forward!

heuni memass wrote on 02 Nov 2011 20:15:

I just puked a little bit....all over my new shiny monsta truck. Oh, well, it had to happen sooner or later...
PSKOT

obormottel wrote on 02 Nov 2011 22:00:


Glad to see someones on the same wavelength.  I was going to say that if that's what's being served on this thread you might as well go back to the old thread.

But of course....It has to be cranberry juice, not fruit punch, pleeeaaase....

I figured you would be a vodka kind of guy....

Did someone say vodka?
Look at this email I received from Guard:
Hi obormottel,
Congratulations on reaching level 7! Mazal Tov on 90 days!
You have rightfully earned your place on the "Wall of Hashem's Honor" chart.
According to the scientific study, you have succeeded in changing the neuron pattern of the addiction in your mind. It should be significantly easier now for you to deal with these desires. However, always remember that this is just a stepping stone in the journey to life-time recovery. We can never afford to let our guard down - of-course. Keep all doors to lust closed at all times, and keep your eyes and mind inside the "sobriety train". Thank you for choosing GuardYourEyes, we wish you a pleasant life-time journey!
P.S. When you reach half a year clean, you will advance to level 8.
May Hashem be with you always!\
So pass the vodka, would you, Gevura?

Dinner party over here : http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4692.0

I just wanted to share a few things that I did in order to improve my chances of G-d-given sobriety. These are the things I attribute my success to (as miniscule compared to a life-time as 90 days are, I know, Dov!).
I was actually surprised that my stab at 90-day journey was successful first time around, untill I realized that it was NOT my first stab at sobriety at all.
Of course, I failed miserably as a teenager to stop compulsive masturbation. When I was engaged (for the short 6 weeks) I only fell once or twice, and I probably didn't touch myself for maybe a month after getting married. By the time internet p* came into the picture, and exacerbated my addiction to self-pleasuring, my guilt and repentance have driven me to a couple of unsuccessful attempts to stop, each lasting from a few days to a few weeks.
When my friend tragically died, leaving a wife and six small kids under Bar Mitzva I was devastated. V'Hachai yiten el liboi........I felt awful that while I waste my life, away from my family and behind the computer screen, there is a family who only have memories of their father who will never be coming home....So I made a very strong resolve to quite, and my friend's memory kept me going for close to two months. When I fell, it seemed like I plunged from a ten-strory building. There was nothing too filthy for me to get excited about. The amount of wasted time became crippling. I saw somewhere that SA's definition of addiction is someone who spends more than 11 hours a week watching pornography. Yours truly was right there.
:-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X
Sorry, my internet is going to shut down in a minute. Too bad I can't save the draft and post a complete thought tomorrow.
To be continued....

Hey obormottel,

I was waiting for you to start a thread so I could post on it!!!  Wow, quite impressing what you wrote on here. remember though: the lower your starting point, the greater the achievement when you get all the way to the top!

tell me, who had a greater achievement, a person who climbed to the roof op the empire state building from  ground level or the one who climbed to the roof starting from the fourth basement?
get what i mean??

Hey Mordechai, I once heard (from R Tatz I think) that this was the chet of adam harishon.  He was so high, he felt that his avodah was too easy.  He wanted to be mekadesh shem shamayim by serving Hashem starting on a lower level, so it would be a much bigger kiddush Hashem.  We see where that got him  . 

Of course, I wouldn't lechatchila jump off a cliff just so I can have a merit of climbing out, but now that I find myself in biro amikto, Mordechai's point is well taken.
Once, chassidim from Moscow came to visit their Rebbe in a small shtetle. They started teasing the local chassidim by saying: What's a big deal that you are such strong chassidim, living in a small shtetle, right under the Rebbe's nose.
Try moving a thousand miles away, and there be a chossid. Then they said: That's not enough. Move to Moscow, and start walking the streets, and see if you remain as chassidish as you were here. Then they said: this, too, isn't enough. Move to Moscow, and go to a theater, and remain a chossid there. And so they were coming up with nisoyon after nisoyon, until the Rebbe heard them. Needless to say, the Rebbe came out very strongly defending the locals, by saying that there is no sense in going into a lion's den zich oyspruven (to prove yourself). But once you find yourself in a lion;s den, that's a different story.