Let me explain myself just a bit. In the past (back when I was like Boruch from Tchebin), I used to think that being Motzi Matza [whatever the term is- thanks Velvel!] stands between me and Hashem. I didn't want anything to stand between me and Hashem. I wanted to be holy, pure; a Tzaddik. Later on I realized that it has nothing to do with Yiddishkeit, even goyim in SA want to stop. So I came to the logical conclusion that my masturmatza stands between me and "Sobriety". Ah, that lofty goal of being sober… I would one day be like all of those sane and sober guys I know. A real mentch! I would be nice to people and live to serve others, not myself. I was an SA - a Sobriety Addict, and every time I was motzi matza I ruined my chances to get there, and beat myself up over it. Now I'm realizing that I AM sober! The masturmatza is a symptom of an illness that I have and I must pray to Hashem to take it away [of course I must be willing to surrender it first…].


P.S. Dov, is there any reason that no matter how hard I try, and how complicated I think the concept I'm striving to express; I can't seem to write long megillos?

i am confused. i cannot see any connection between this and what you wrote about fighting with Him.

Regarding what you wrote; as Dov says, obsession with the "struggle', obsession with sobriety, any obsession for that matter, is a part of the addiction.

I ask him to grant us a day of sobriety and sanity.

The reason I am so active on this site, is the same reason I was so active in chatting with girls. I crave love and attention. Thanks all for providing it.

Which one is satiated when chatting with girls?
"Love" or "attention"?
If the question had been posed to me, my response would be the latter, although, at times, I convince myself mistakenly of the former.

thanks for your honesty.

Since this website is just feeding your addiction, perhaps you should consider a 12 step group.

..because there's no attention to be had at a 12-step meeting!

skeptical wrote:

by an OINK meeting

DONUTS!!!!!

Did somebody say "Woodford", or is it my imagination?

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss

Laughticus Comedicus?
Did I spell that wrong?

[I meant right- the telescope is flipped]

Warning: objects in the telescope are seriouser than they appear

Dear friends.

I am now in the possession of a little card I plan to carry around in my pocket wherever I go. The card reads: Self(ish)less, (dis)Honest, (self-seeking) Generous, (need to control) Accepting, Fear(ful)less, (in)Considerate. These six words are my new perspective, the perspective Hashem gave me today (through my sponsor, my dear friend Avrom) in my spiritual experience.

In my days on the roller coaster called life, I've often tried to come close to Hashem. I remember locking myself into a room and crying my heart out to him. I felt washed out afterwards, but never too long. There was that question that always plagued me, "Pischu li pesach kichuda shel machat, va'ani eftach lachem pesach kipischo shel ulam!" Hashem tells us "Open a tiny opening for me, and I shall open you wide like the doors of the Ulam" which was 20 cubits wide and forty cubits tall! I always wondered, didn't I EVER open that tiny opening, in all my spiritual yearnings, in all of my acts of teshuva, in all of my mitzvos?! I remember a couple of years ago the answer came to me, and I now realize Hashem must've whispered it in my ear. It was a very simple answer, it was: No.

When I'm emotionally high and decide to do something, that's not an opening for Hashem, I didn't open MYSELF to him. I may have given him fifteen minutes of my time, half an hour, but nothing of ME! When I went today. When I put my life aside. My fears, my hesitation, my insecurities. And humbled myself, made myself vulnerable, to ask for assistance in coming close to him… that was my machat. Hashem saw and gave me a Pesach Shel Ulam, a Spiritual Experience.

Avrom, my Sober Person Offering Newcomer Suggestions On Recovery (Thanks to Velvel for that one!) mentioned to me that we're not sitting alone, Hashem is with us. As we sat together I began noticing his presence more and more. Towards the end, after a lot of honest and humbling sharing, Avrom asked me to read a section of the book. It reads: "Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the lust problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe."

I finish reading and say to myself, well it hasn't happened to me. Suddenly my heart soared, my insides cleared and I felt a glow. The doors to the Ulam had opened! I had found my machat! I had had my spiritual experience. Avrom told me that we were zoche to make a Nachas ruach for Hashem, and so I began to sing the well known tune: Laasos nachas ruach, laasos nachas ruach, laasos nachas ruach, LaBorei yisborach shmo…. Before long we were dancing together. Avrom mentioned that Hashem who was watching us the whole time is dancing along with us. I dropped one of Avrom's hands and took Hashem's, each of us were dancing holding the other's hand with one hand, the other grasping Hashem's.

I felt joy, serenity, and calm. And I plead with Hashem to allow me to keep it.

And to all other newcomers I spread the message of hope. It works if you work it; work it because you're worth it.

Hi. My name is saul. I have been a member of the site for a couple years but haven't been back in a while, so I thought I would start again from the beginning, cos that's kinda where I feel I'm at.
Just to recap, I realised I had an addiction in the first year of my marriage and it has been a big struggle since then, but b"H I have survived with the help of my therapist, my step group and my loving devoted wife.

To cut a long story short, lately I have been absent. Absent from my recovery, from my marriage, from my group. Not physically, but emotionally disconnected. With that has come a severe downwards spiral in my porn use and illicit behavior online. I realised last night when I got out of bed after my wife fell asleep to go masturbate that I had sunk back down to a level I haven't been at in years.
That's what precipitated my recommitment and rededication to this site and to my recovery.
I have definitely fallen more than 7 times, but I'm still getting up and fighting.
I surrender. I can't beat this on my own.
B"H I plan on being a contributing member of this amazing program( I signed up for the 90 day wall again) and my group and to try reconnect with my wife and my hidden self.

It works if u work it, so work it YOURE WORTH IT!

pinchas, i started crying when i read your post. i dont have the words to describe the feelings it brought up in me. i will say that i very much needed to read/hear what you wrote