Hi, Fishel.

I am now a week clean. Albeit not sober. I've been lusting all week, not surprising cuz some family members came to visit and I was hanging out with ...Yah...ahem, so...
Anyway, they're leaving now. But I can't let circumstances upset me.
What happens all around me should have no bearing on my sobriety and sanity.

Dearest Chani,
It is extremely difficult for me to write this to you. But it is harder not to. Lately I feel that my perceived dishonesty and hiding is creating tension in our marriage, sort of a rift between us, and rightly so. A good marriage must be built on a solid foundation of mutual honesty and trust.
You have a lot of questions. "The diligent scholar I married is wasting a lot of time on the phone with "friends" I never met, and am not quite sure where he met either. The same diligent scholar can spend hours chatting on the internet. Where did his diligence and intense studiousness go? I no longer sense a seriousness in learning, the only seriousness on his part is when he runs to drops me, our kids and anything else for an emergency "chabura" twice a week with those same friends. What's going on?"
Chani, believe me that you're the most important thing in my life. There is nothing in the world more important to me. I'll try to explain my predicament to the best of my ability, please don't make any rash decisions but try to trust me.
Let's discuss addiction for a minute, alchoholism, standard textbook case. Man drinks himself to death although he knows how unhealthy it is. What doctors have found in all such cases of completely illogical behavior is as follows. This man had a huge hole in his life, be it self esteem issues, pain of abuse, or a whole host of psychological impairments. This addict was walking around in pain, searing pain. Until the day he had his first drink. The drink numbed his senses, softened his mind, and wonder of wonders! He actually felt good!
His body decided that it wants to feel good at all costs, and so it drank whenever it had the opportunity. For an alcoholic; drinking is not a problem, it's the solution. The only treatment that has worked for thousands of alcoholics is the twelve step program of AA. This program does not address drinking at all. This program addresses spirituality. The concept behind the program is that addicts have a G-d sized hole in their hearts and minds. G-d is missing from their lives. The program brings them to spirituality and heals their character defects, making them satisfied with their lot to the point that: they don't need a drink!
As I've heard Rabbi AJ Twerski say many times, an alcoholic who had been sober for many years once got up at a meeting and said. "The man I once was, drank. The man I once was, would drink again. The man I am now by the grace of G-d, shall never drink".
Obviously for an alcoholic the biggest priority in life is getting sober, just like any sick man's priority in life is getting healthy. I know an alcoholic whose wife was opposed to his going to meetings twice a week, it interfered with her schedule. He told her "Do you want a sick husband 24/7? Or a sober one who is absent twice a week?"
And yes. An alcoholic who doesn't go to meetings is sick, even if he's not drunk! In the program we refer to him as a "Dry Drunk". Although he may not appear to be drunk, his heart and mind are not with him. Inside he's dwelling on the immense emotional pain he's in and how he can get his next fix.
Chani? Here comes the hard part… I may not be an alcoholic. But I'm an addict. When we met and married I was constantly in pain. I numbed it in my own way - On the internet. It's difficult to say this and I don't know how you'll take this, but by now all the frum publications have already written about the phenomenon of men being addicted to "objectionable material on the internet". That's me. I surfed, I fantasized, I chatted, and did all types of disgusting things.
And yes. I was disgusted with myself, which drove my self esteem even lower, which in turn pushed me to get more of my "alcohol". Ahh a never ending vicious cycle! Until I found a website called "Guard Your Eyes" or GYE for short. There I discovered that I'm not alone and met many other respectable frum jews that were working on this problem.
Together we formed our own twelve step group- "the chabura" that so perplexes you. So, there, that's the truth, and that's my story,
Your husband,
Harry

Guard!
This guy is good!

Hire him please; thanks

holy frikkin' cow!!!
zugger, you da man!

wow
that was truly great
tz, i thought i was all awed out, but i see there is still awe-room
חילך לאורייתא

Beautiful letter!

I think I will share it in a chizuk e-mail. I like very much how he describes the drinking as the addict's solution, not the problem, and how he describes the goal of the 12-Step program.

A truly classic piece!

and will you place him on the payroll as well?

I can double his current salary :-)

Well let me tell y'all a secret



No, No, just kidding, the secret is......that that letter.....was written to.....?????

What a great letter! If you can express your thoughts in this manner, you should be able to find some time with your Eshes Chayil, and basically tell her what you have written here.Take it from someone whose Eshes Chayil has been my biggest supporter of staying clean and has been there emotionally in every way since I decided to tackle my addiction. There is no subsititute for emotional intimacy, and porn and masturbation are just really poor subsitutues for physical intimacy with your wife.

First of all, TZ is still single, the letter was written to one of his favorite characters, chani.

Second of all you keep on telling everyone to tell their wives based on your experience with your wife, I would like to ask you, can you be sure that eveyone's wife will react the same way? can you be sure that everyone's story is the same as yours? can you be sure that everyone will tell her the same way you did?

I understand that you had success, and some others here have had as well, I am very happy for, really.

But can you say for certain that it is always the best time, maybe one should be clean for 3 years before you telling he, and it won't have to be so painful for her? maybe if she notices the change in her husband and asks "you know, I've noticed you're a different person, what happened?" then maybe she won't be hurt at all?

There is no way anyone could have experience when dealing with another person, every person is different. SO please be careful when givng such sure advice.

TZ sorry I mean Harry - that was so good it's time we find you a shiduch!

Do we tell the shudchan about your


Not sure how that fits in with shana rishona?

Pidaini


without a doubt every marriage is different. One needs to be very careful.

In my case I remain convinced I will be locked out for good.

I cannot see any way my wife would accept any kind of betrayal even though I have never had any relationship with another women. She might accept an occasional masturbation slip if she's not available, but looking at porn!!! I don't even accept is myself!

Wow thanks everyone.
...and Sib, as soon as I find some time with my Eishes Chayil, I'll consider it

I just had a hishtadlus test. Basically, my mother asked me to do something that may be beneficial for a potential shidduch. Big Ego starts talking and explains to me why I shouldn’t do it.

A. Ultimately it won't make or break the shidduch anyway, it's not necessary (yeah but that's none of my business, my mother asked me to do something, I have a mitzvah of kibbud eim).

B. It's being mishtamesh with my torah for my own reasons. (You're not using your torah for anything. Your mother asked you to do something. If you would've done it of your own volition then you would have been maneuvering your torah into serving you, but now, your torah maneuvered itself into serving you.)

C. Back to A I guess: but it could work without it! (Yeah, and it could just as well flop with it - the outcome is none of your business. You have to do what is required of you.)

[Thanks MT for having this conversation with me and pointing all this out.]

The reason I'm posting this here is to point out that while we sometimes have bitachon tests. The greatest tests of bitachon can be of hishtadlus, what are we ready to do? Are our fears paralyzing us? look at A- it's not necessary, Fear of going out unless absolutely necessary. B- I am using my torah. Where did that "I" come in? it's not you, it's other people. C- But it could work without it! if I'm not going to be in control, why put in any effort?

If even one person understood half a word of what I wrote it'll be worth it, and even if that one person would be me.





P.S. I have a sim card with free unlimited internet. I am not going to use it, nor will I buy a machine which allows me to use it [smartphone/tablet] unless I go to the kosel and say a full sefer of tehillim [one of the five]. If I do buy it without having done as above I must go to the kosel within twelve hours and say the entire sefer tehillim.