Mazel Tov Gibbor!
much continued hatzlocha

I am truly humbled to say that I have not masturbated or looked at pornography for 5 YEARS! My sobriety anniversary date was yesterday - June 8th. Like many here, I started young, some time around my bar mitzvah. I was completely obsessed. At times, I tried to stop putting together "streaks" of a couple weeks, perhaps a month or two, once or twice I managed for several months.

But, I always came back and came crashing down. Over time, my binges got worse and I needed them more. I took risks that I would not normally take, and finally on 6/8/2009 my wife caught me. She was shocked. I was embarrased. I had let my eshes chayil down. She didn't know who I was. Was I the person she married or a fake? How could I have fooled her for so long (12 years)?

We had a lot of conversations, we spoke to our Rav and he calmed my wife down some, but those days were very painful. The first days and weeks were especially tough, but over time, we began to heal.

I managed to stay sober for 2 years before finding GYE. At first the initial shock of my wife finding out kept me sober. Over time, I found myself white-knuckling. I was only holding on because I remembered the pain of my wife finding out. I had resolved to be honest with her. If I was not, and she caught me again, she would never trust me again, and our marriage would take a big blow. I couldn't let that happen.

Then I found GYE. I read the handbook, and so many things began to click. I had a totally new understanding of what I was up against, and I was learning tools to deal with it. I found that just realizing that I was not alone, that there were "reasons" why I acted out, and there were tools to deal with it gave me chizzuk. I found the attitude tools especially helpful. Just thinking about my addiction in a different way, was very helpful.

The handbook was the catalyst for more (and deeper) discussions with my wife. Now I had a text to refer to and share. There was someone ("Mr. Handbook") who understood exactly what I was going through. It helped my wife to see, and to a small extent, understand what I was going through (women can never completely understand).

I started posting. There was a community that cared about me, that had the same experiences as me, and had some answers. I asked a lot of questions, and began my journey to positive sobriety. Not simply the absence of acting out, but learning the tools of positive living.

I made some friends here and called them. I learned that isolation is my biggest enemy. I tend to isolate and live inside my head. I had to get out and share my feelings.

Dov, in particular helped me a lot. Though he confused me, and still does, somehow his words made sense and helped me. I joined his 12 step phone conference and shared my story with the group. I felt very liberated. Somehow, talking about my history of acting out took a large burden off my shoulders. I could discuss my problem very openly and be accepted. It helped me to accept myself as I am.

It's hard for me to beleive that it has been 5 years. Sobriety isn't always easy, but it's worth it. My obsession ruled over me for over 20 years. Finally, I have some freedom from it.

In a way I have a bigger challenge now. It's easy to get complacent. If I were to act out today, I have no doubt that I would fall further than before. That fear, the fear of going back to a place where I had no control. Where I did things I did not want to do, but could not stop. I don't want to ever go back there.

I need to remind myself of how terrible I felt, and how much I don't want to go back down that road.

It is still a struggle. At times more, and at times less. I keep up with some friends. I still post. I talk to my wife about it every so often, but much less than before.

My life has improved dramatically in the last 5 years. I have changed. Even my wife has noticed. I am calmer. I can let go of my OCD (used loosely, not diagnosed) and perfectionism more easily. I am in a much better place. I have not "made it". There is no such thing. It is a journey that has no end. I'm just happy to keep truckin and have the best bunch of buddies to truck with.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

mazel tov! Thank you for the inspiration.

I especially appreciate the current " status quo" details. Can you share more?

Does being sober limit you in which places you can go? Although, I've shared with my wife my sense of addiction, she still expects me to come with her to public bathing places to help with the kids. Is that something you can handle or are you "off the hook" from going anyplace with such exposure due to your wife knowing about your addiction?

Are you off all TV and movies?

What are some of your current struggles in any given day?

Walking around NYC, trying to work out in the gym, spenging time with my kids and wife at the park or pool, all are extremely challenging to guard my eyes. Are you able to go in those areas or is a "price" of your sobriety to avoid those places as much as possible? I find if I haven't done an hour of Hitbodedut, which I struggle to keep on doing every day, it is impossible for me to guard my eyes.

Or is the experience similar and youre still struggling day to day, an "ongoing journey" as you put it.

thoughts?

I almost never watch TV or movies. I don't have a TV. I won't watch a movie unless I know it is "kosher". There are very few of them. Even some of the "kosher" ones have triggers. Even kids movies have sexual innuendos.

Going to the pool would be like walking outside during a thunder storm holding a long metal pole - I'd be toast. I don't go to the mall as much as possible. I try to avoid going to the grocery store if I can. Amusement parks are off limits as well.

The summer is more difficult. I do sometimes go away with family and there will be pritzus. I try and limit it as much as I can. Could I do more? Sure. It's a hard balance. If my wife needs something from the store, obviously, I go.

In general, I try to limit my nisyonos. At the same time, "normal" life has to go on.

My struggles are not as frequent or intense, but I still have them.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


Keep
On
Writing
Lots ???

Keep
On
Whacking
Lust ???

Mazel Tov, gibbor! Such an inspiration! Keep up the good work.

KOWL = Keep On Wumple-stiLtzkinin'

Thanks so much Gibbor
you have shown it is possible and in a truthful normal way

I especially appreciate the fact you say you limit nisyonois even now

That is the sign of a true Tzaddik.

Gibbor mazel tov!!!!!

what a inspiration thats a real chizuk to all of us!!!

may hashem help you to keep on going in the right direction and be a source of chizuk to others,

KUTGW!!!!!

gibbor120 wrote:


Keep On

I don't know how I missed this. Mazel Tov and thank you for posting this. Ad meah veesrim, one day at a time.

Also thank you for all the help you have given me over the past 2 years.

Eli

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Reading them gives me chizzuk.

Yes, Mazel Tov Gibbor! and thank you so much for those insights into the life of a sober person.

Hatzlacha on your next 5 (but especially today),
NeedToQuit

I saw a nice, and very timely, vort in the aznayim latorah this week.

He asks why were only 12,000 sent to fight Midyan? In the other wars, there was no such limitation. All the soldiers went to fight. Why in this case did they rely on a miracle (we were far outnumbered by Midyan)?

He answers that anyone that was nichshal with the bnos Moav either in maaseh, or even in hirhur, was not able to fight. Those with averios don't go to battle and certainly were not worthy to take revenge.

We find that if an aveirah comes to someone and they are not nichshal, Hashem does nissim for him. This applies all the more so to these 12,000 who were not nichshal at a time when most of Bnei Yisroel was nichshal. Therefore, they were allowed to rely on a nes.

How much more so does this apply to us today? Where almost everyone is nichshal, and most don't even consider it an aveirah. If we refrain, Hashem will certainly do nissim for us.

Perhaps we can use this as motivation now, while we are at war. Every time we look away or redirect our thoughts from aveirah, let's dedicate it to the zechus of Klal Yisroel. We can be the source of the nissim that we are witnessing on a daily basis.

I was reminded recently of something I saw in a sefer. When a person overcomes this nisayon, it is an eis ratzon for tefillah. So adding a small tefillah is in order as well.

a slightly belated mazel tov from me.