I know how u feel nebula.  Have been down the same rocky road- fighting all night to try and sleep and then just doing it so I could finally get a few minutes rest in the wee hours of the morning... I don't have answers for you  but I have ears... Whatever you do, keep talking w/ ppl (preferably on phone, or even in person. Ask Hashem and those people who are safe to speak w/ for their feedback and keep workng toward it. You will see results. You are already NOT playing right into the Yh hands anynore. You're looking for the door and you will find it. 

Back on Track wrote on 21 Aug 2011 02:20:

Thanks for the chizuk Back on Track. I have found that this struggle is easier than before specifically because I have suddenly found all these amazing people to talk to about this stuff. Over the phone is still quite a step for me though, and in person even more so.

Speaking of chizuk though, I should have updated this board more often this past week since I have unfortunately not had such a growing week.

Days 8-14: I fell a few times, and although each time I told myself fell, shmell, stop dwelling on it, it may have had a negative effect on me since before I encountered the KOT (keep on trucking for anyone unfamiliar with the term) yesod, I would dwell on it, fell bad, and I think that it did have an effect of stopping me from repeating myself again, at least for a few days or even weeks, but this week I was just like, "Oh well, I fell, whatever KOT" But then I fell again, and again a third time, (and maybe a fourth and fifth, its a bit blurry, and I have that peskywww.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4309.0"> half-asleep problem that I mentioned in depth here) and each time I was all like, oh well, KOT. Everyone please tell me: Has my Yetzer Harah completely hijacked the whole KOT thing into an excuse for me to casually repeat this aveira? I think I know what the answer is, but does that mean that I should dwell on each fall? Oy vey I need help!
Forum! This is when I need you!

I hope this is clear. KEEP ON TRUCKING. Don't look back, down or to the side. Just look str8 ahead and keep going. NO ur yetzer hara has not hijacked that concept lulling you to sinfull complacency. On the contrary- he has possibly convinced u that the best thing for you is to agonize and pain urself till you are too depressed to even try anymore.

You my dear special friend, may want to ask urself if you are indeed like those who the rambam describes as tasting bitter as though it is sweet and sweet as though it is bitter. In reference to middos,.

you may be wrapped around the fingers of ur addiction so much  that IT truthfully plays with u! telling you (faslely) what will save you (self castigation). But this is not the road to recoery. Recovery may hurt, but it doesn't destroy.  Caln relaxed sharing as you have mentioned u have experienced is the first step for many ppl, myself inclided. Beyond that it can vary. KoT

Back on Track wrote on 28 Aug 2011 23:24:

Thanks for the feedback Back on Track, I do think that I have mixed up bitter and sweet, since I see m* as something that I would love to do but I just can't. How does one go about changing that? I want to have NORMAL taste-buds already! Also how did you get the avatar thing working? Please do tell!!!

And finally update time:
Day 15:
I think I fell yet again last night but due to my whole half-asleep thingy I am not sure, I just woke up with some vague recollection of something happening. This is seriously getting annoying! I know I just need to KOT but I simply don't see myself changing this, since how can you change something that you can't control or even remember. And just to be clear, I am not referring to a nocturnal emission, I am referring to actual shichvas zera l'vatala b'mayzid (Well the b'mayzid part is rather complicated you see)

I need your help heilige forum! Help me!

Neb (I mean tht in a nice way I'm not a professional or a seasoned sobrity champ w/ yrs of clean behind me. But since u opened this up 2 the forum I'd like to continue butting my big nose in here if you'll allow.

For the sleep/awake thing- I don't think ur alone. I personally never had acting out like this though I have had all noght battles though that I have ultimately lost. But as a friend, I'd offer that the acting out durimg sleep would be on a back burner for now, and attaining sobriety during waking conscous hours, and enjoying that sobriety would be on the front burner. You may even find that te more peace u find in waking sobriety, the less your body will crave and the less you may act out at night ( wish you this brocha my brother). But even if not, sobriety is imho about our making a conscious decision, not what we do when we are not conscious.

As re the other stuff you posted:

" I do think that I have mixed up bitter and sweet, since I see m* as something that I would love to do but I just can't. How does one go about changing that? I want to have NORMAL taste-buds already!"

From reading this, I'm not sure I was clear. What I tried 2 get across was that it seemed that the addict in you/ or yetzer hara/ or however you refer to the tendencies you're trying to stop, has got u beleiving that broodng and getting upset was what you should be doing. And that lettng go and letting G-d was wrong. This to me is seeing the bitter as sweet and the sweet as bitter.as regards wanting to m* though... I hear from ppl sober for periods almost longer than my entire acting out career that if they could they would act out. But they can't as a matter of life and death. So I don't think you're off the mark with that desire. Who doesn't like the way it feels? Everyone does. But the fact that you realize you 'can't' in my understanding is a great realization. 

As re the avatar- I just followed some directions from s/o else on the forum. I forgot now exactly how but I recently wrote what I did to someone else who commented on my wall of honor thread- back on tracks trekking along. You can check it thre if u want. (I'm typing from my phone now and ots hard for me to go back and cut and paste it to you... 'Sides, I luv havin company in my WOh thread.

Be well ad kep in touch.n

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


Might need this