Hey forum, yesterday after discovering the site i decided to join the chart and do the 90 day challenge thingy.

Firstly: This is going to be my journal of my process. I am not sure where to post this, as from what I have seen these type of journals that are up currently are in the wall of fame board but I don't think that that is the right place for this as it is really a work-in-progress type thing, so I am going to put it in the "break free" board (which is exactly what I am trying to do- break free from this habit) but if that's the wrong place then any of the admin please contact me about it.

Second: I hope that if you are reading this it will only be for the purpose of helping yourself (for chizuk) or to help me, but if it is doing harm instead of good then you aren't doing yourself any good by reading this, and I think you would benefit from rather reading (or rereading) www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/GuardYourEyes%20Handbook.pdf">the manual (link), or the www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList12.asp">chizuk email (link) archives instead, or the www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/GUETips.asp">tips section. This is not a complete list, but its something to start with.

Third: I can't commit to updating this every day, since my academic and torah studies can get quite hectic and I tend to procrastinate a lot , but I strongly intend update it fairly often.

So here we go:

Day 2 (this is the day that I am starting the journal):
There is a saying, "So far so good". Unfortunately I cannot use that saying since I have already fallen since starting the chart, and even more unfortunately it wasn't even a half-type way (see this board for what I mean), maybe its my yh putting in a real effort to make me give up early, but I still have free will and I should have resisted, so  am very disappointed in myself.

However I get the feeling from reading these forums that getting myself down over this issue is quite simply the main tactic of the yh and I am sick of always being a puppet in his hands, so not this time. I am going to do the regular steps of teshuva that i know of regret, viduy, decision not to do it again before bed (this is what I should do l'halacha right???) and then move right on with life, instead of being completely counterproductive as I tend to do and downwards spiral out of control.

The YH is going to fight back hard, and he's going to make it hurt. Don't let it get you down. After a while you will break through and be all the stronger for it. So take it one day (or even one hour) at a time and......

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

(I don't imagine my truck as an 18 wheeler, mine is more like one of those monster trucks with the 6 foot tires, churning through the deep mud and crushing old cars)

Gevura!

Nice!Keep on Monster truckin! KOMT!

Look! I can fly!

KOMT ;D

Ki nofalti gam KOMTi  ;D

Monstuh TRUCKIN!

Wow. Gevura, i love your truck. Where can i get this ?

boker tov, nebula, ma nishma?

My friends; my word we do seem to be slightly infatuated with trucks of the monster variety around here today.

Day 3:

Unfortunately my next journal entry will have to make use of said truck(s) since I had another full fall yesterday (actually twice), and the second of the falls is the one I am really extra angry and annoyed at myself about since it could have been avoided had I not procrastinated, and stuck to my proper exercise routine, since it was caused by my not being able to fall asleep and general anxiety at falling behind my university work Further if I had remembered to take my antidepressant medication (I forgot to for 3 days, Oy!) the whole issue might have been prevented but I have tried to not dwell on it too much as that can cause a lot of problems, and just fixed what needed to be fixed. I went for a very long jog today

I just have to re-iterate my appreciation to you all because the fact that I have other yidden here to listen to my ordeals has really helped me out so much. I think that if I hadn't found about this forum I might have instead just given up for a while instead of trucking onwards right away.
Does anyone any info on my shaila from above, namely: Should I always to do the regular steps of teshuva that I know of; 1) regret, 2) viduy, and 3) commitment and decision not to do it again, before bed, each time that i fall?
Any answers that you might have would be very helpful since I am too embarrassed to ask my rabbi this question.

Feel Shmell. Keep on trucking, one day at a time. The most important thing now, now is to pick yourself up and keep on trucking.

In my opinion, the only focus we should have now, is to get clean from now on, from this minute and on. I don't care at the moment of anything in the past. Hoshem, will have to please wait for that, once i will have 2 -3 years of being fully clean. I will start the real teshuva process. (don'rt even klnow what that is, will make research in 2 3/4 years from now iy"H) I'm not capable from handling this at the moment.

dear Nebula,

sorry to hear about the fall.

hopefully you can use the experience for positive gain by learning from it. what led up to it? boredom? anxiety? simple habit? all? eventually you should be able to identify the early signs and take precautions to avoid it.

Reading the GYE Handbook should give you a lot of good ideas and tips as well.

not being an authority or an expert i cannot answer your question about teshuva but it would seem to me that the primary effort should be on azivas hacheit, meaning learning and implementing attitude changes to prevent its recurrence as Shteighecher wisely said.

maybe say a quick short tefila like: "RBSO, You know how i feel like 2 rusty cents about what i did, and i don't want to do it to anger You, it's the habit/addiction/burning desire that gets me in the hole, i cannot fight it, i am too weak, please take the fight from me, You can fight it, You can keep me out of trouble, please do so."

and remember that a habit developed over a long time will not go away at the drop of a hat. it will take time, attitude modification and patience. but you can do it and b'ezras Hashem you will
wishing you the best
zs

Thanks ZS and shteighecher for the words of encouragement.

Well except for the past 2 days, for the last 3-ish months I have actually been mostly clean from this type of fall (see www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4309.0">this board (link) for what I mean)

But lately I think that part of what caused me to fall is anxiety over life in general, but mainly a tremendous desire for that fleeting moment of pleasure, and I was also craving the feeling that I get for that second of 'being a man' which I know is completely warped and nonsensical to the extreme since I think it was elya k who said it best, "It's not manly to m*, its manly to give over oneself to hashem since thats when you stop being a complete servant to your every physical whim and take control of your stuation by giving everything over to hashem. That's the most 'manly' thing that you can do (Was it Elya K? I'm pretty sure it was, but I couldn't find it just now when I tried to look),

So my plan therefore is indeed to KOT by trying not to fall into the same trap that i did, and fell shmell then.

If I remember correctly from Shaarei Teshuva he says that for occasional aveiros Viduy and Charata come first, while for aveiros that have become habitual Azivas Hacheit must come first, and viduy and Charata come later. Basically what ZS just said.

In addition (I'm not sure if this is also from Shaarei Teshuva or I heard it somewhere else) the posuk says Yaazov Rasha Darko. That means that you cant just stop the aveira, but the entire derech and way of life that brings to the aveira. Meaning changing our attitudes, our habits, and working on whatever flaws we have that lead us into these activities. Pretty much what this whole forum is all about.

KOMT!! ;D

Gevura!

I dont know if everyone would agree with me, but my personal feeling is to relate to this not as a teshuva, mutar assur, mitzva/aveira thing. I look at it as an illness. And one that can only be cured through turning to G-d. Now that element of the relationship with G-d differs and is more rudimentry tahn the relationship we have as Jews. It is the part where he relates to me and me to him as a human being, not as a Jew. And I was missing that. I was a very frum Jew, but I simply was not a whole HUman being (now I am becoming able to cope with that and gaining some aspect of it as i continue with His help in recovery.) Its like a building, you could put on the roof and top floor first as long as you have the frame. But there is no way that thing is going to serve as shelter for anyone until it is everything in place from top to botom. While my roof may nothave been leaking (i was very frum... apart from my little habi of P* and M*.) the entire foundation of my structure was incomplete.

Anyways, as such I relate to this not as a Jewish frum thing, but as a basic life thing. I have a problem with life, pressure, challenge, responsibility, truthfullness and stress etc.. Once I faced the inner workings of what was driving me, by disucssing them with real people (while we ate sushi at a nice place in Brooklyn and again in NY city) who were struggling similarly, I got a lo of chizuk. so my recomendation is talk to someone real. and alive it may not be comfortable in the short run but it will get you where you want to go much faster than you may think. (ps this is what worked for me, not saying that it would work for you or anyone, just sharin my thing..... )

KOMT! 

My friends, I need you so much right now:

Day 4, 5 and 6:
On the night 4 I had one of my half asleep episodes but I can't really do anything about that; so that was that.

Day 5:
Unfortunately that was not that, in since I never took enough of the 'monster truck/KOMT' lessons from you all to heart since I somehow allowed my Yetzer Harah(YR) to "down talk" me into thinking all sorts warped logic type of things.

This was my inner dialogue

"It is impossible, how can I stay clean for so long, I mean won't I just explode from the pressure? (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Can%27tStop.asp">No you won't explode)
"Well I already did it once while half asleep so whats the difference between that and just doing it right now when I'm fully awake" (ummm? There is a big difference.)
"But don't you want to so much?"

So anyway not to dwell on the past too much much I feel completely tricked. it honestly feels like I was hypnotized and just gave in without such a fight at all.

Day 6: Then most of friday I was really busy, I even went and did some exercise, determined not to let anything about day 5 get me down. However even though I felt no desire during the whole day, and most of friday night to do anything, by sheer habit I guess, somehow my the time I went to bed, I suddenly had one of those I have to do it moments. But I had just finished reading most of the handbook after the meal (I printed it out a few days ago for shabbos/off computer reading) the part about every bit counts (Number 23 in the Attitude section)  immediately came to mind, and I told myself that I can wait until tomorrow, then I can do what I want, I felt this pain which totally felt like like the yetzer harah's pain (see page 40, c) at the top of the page)
So feeling quite happy with myself for a change I was able to withstand the YR.
However I woke up a few hours later that night with all the excuses (above) in my head back in place somehow, half-asleep, annoyed and angry at myself for still feeling this desire, even just after I thought that I had conquered it for a while, frustrated at not being able to go to back sleep, and unfortunately perhaps worst of all angry with Hashem for making me deal with this and so I fell. It was in the manner of "I'm doing this just so the desire will go away and leave me the hell alone for a minute"
Then I felt quite crappy with my self for giving in so easily after fighting it so well just hours earlier, and I am still feeling that way now on motzei shabbos as I write this update. What do you all think? I am obviously just playing right into the hands of my yetzer's latest scheme, and I am fully aware of it, but I am just so very tired of this 10 year battle constantly going on.

Honestly, sometimes it just seems so appealing to just check into a psychiatrist's office and just get the 'last resort c'v" even though he wouldn't in his right mind give it to me, since my problem, is baruch hashem not as serious as what that stuff is prescribed for and for me to want that before properly trying out all 17 other techniques is just so lazy!

I was going to reply to some of the other issues brought up so far in this thread but I am just feeling so... whatever.