INA - Just waving at you from down low in my car.. Very impressed to see how your truck is handling the road.. It looks like a good one.. Make sure you do the maintenance well - without maintenance it becomes an old engine quite fast...

Have a wonderful Shabbos.. hm

heuni: Hi how is it going down there in the car? Just I dont understand, why are you still driving a car, get yourself a truck, a nice big one, an 18 wheeler,
And yes you are right the most important thing in the beginning -after getting the truck- is to maintain it properly, so we have a truck in a good working condition
I could just say...... KEEP ON CAR'ING TRUCKING

Thanks to hashem -and to everybody else here- I'm about to start yet another clean week. B"H shabbos was going pretty well (just one slight bump, lasted roughly a minute).

One thing is for sure I'm going to do this, I'm determined to overcome it.

So glad to hear.Keep up the good work.

Good news to report, I'm almost at level 3 on the 90 day chart. I'm currently with 14 days clean.... those days are already in the can. time to move on to the next level.
I must admit, this streak is way harder than my previous one which lasted 55 days, I have no clue why it should be so. I struggle relatively harder than I had expected. of course I knew and expected that it would be hard, but this is hard"er" than that. I would say -to find some positiveness out of it-  my joy each night before I go to sleep (right before I fall asleep I should say, as I could still possibly fall seconds before) is enormous more than a post could describe, I'm thrilled and overjoyed, saying to myself , "yeps I made it, let me keep it up, keep on trucking" (yes sometimes I do say to myself keep on trucking ) so it does create a stronger sense of accomplishment לפום צערא אגרא .
Despite all that I'm really mispalel it should get easier, and I hope it will as 'clean' time passes by.

mechazek: your name says it all, thanks

after 35 consecutive clean days just 2 weeks before r"h I fell
I really was stupid, I could've so easily overcome that
would I one day be out of this? hashem I need your help i know I'm not worth it, but help me win this, I cant do this alone

I need to start anew.

Hit the ground running, chaver. You will surely be out of it one day, the first day that you don't do it you'll be out of it.
And you are a precious child of Hashem, and if it's worth for a father to change his baby's diaper as many times as he soils himslef, so it is worth for Hashem to give you koyach in your day to day struggle.
Giddy up that truck. See you down the road.

maybe if you change your avatar concept to that concept here, it might help

im not alone wrote on 09 Aug 2011 23:52:


Details such as these really ought to be deferred to Guard for his judgement call.

fell shmell

im not alone wrote on 16 Sep 2011 04:58:


Im not alone.  You are certainly "worth" it.  If you are here on this world, by definition you are worth it.  Deserving probably not.  But who here is deserving of His kindness?  Yet, Hashem gives it to us anyways, daily. 

And you are not starting anew, you are continuing the fight that you've started a while ago.  True, you've had some ups and downs, But your upsare yours to keep.  Hatzlacha

Thank you guys for your warm responses, what plain simple words can do!! its indescribable

Since my most recent -depressing-  post I have really achieved so much. I sincerely believe that the fall was a ירידה לצורך עלייה and big time עלייה

let me explain:
on sep 16 I had a fall after being clean for 35 days. I was depressed and didn't have the courage to fight and to truck on. more then the fall itself I was bothered by the way of how the 35 clean days was by itslef. Yes during that 35 days I didnt actually fell and I didn't spill seeds however!! I DID think and fantasied very deeply and even sometimes rubbing myself to some extend. I felt that I'm just covering the problem and not fixing it. and just the power in me to break free was greater than the need to give in. I was living with the problem I was sleeping with the addictin. the only reason I didnt spill seed and managed to stay clean was because I had an extreme amount of horsepower on my truck making it possible to shlep more that the limit is.  but everything came to a halt. On sep 16 I hit something and the entire truck turned over, precisely because I had abused my truck and carried more than it was meant to shlep. only after getting out of my truck to see the damage only then I chapped what load I've carried along the entire way making it much harder than it outta be. so much filth and waste... I felt like im giving up... 

But hashem had a different plan. Suddenly I thought lets give it a shot. I decided than I'm not going to think about anything related to my addiction just for one week. not about my fall, no fantasies not about my new cycle, and not about my future plans. just one week Im going to try to stay clean with the least possible thinking. as weird as it might sound the entire week was so pure clean both on a physical level -but more importunately to me- on a emotional level I didn't even think once about po...graphy, I hadnt have any fantasies. aha what a breath of fresh air that was. from here its very simple I just kept my truck in that lane. whenever a bad thought comes I try hard to push it off. Yes you can control the mind to some extend. so instead of living with the problem im rather destroying the problem.
Currently I'm 16 days clean and counting. its only 16 days however, I feel like I have accomplished more in those 16 days than the entire previous 35 clean days. Im 16 days without any lasting fantasy without the slightest masturbating without looking at permitted pictures and thinking.... just clean as a fish... wow as I write this I really feel great about me.

Just a few notes, I still need to pay 250 for my most recent fall (as im on the taphsic method)
I decided Im only going to use my home computer for the internet once a week(with one exception when its really business related and my wife is around or she asks me to do it). the home is where I have some privacy when my wife is not around. as a result I might be less on GYE

Im standing a week before yom kippur.. hashem help me surpass my own record (55 days) both in number and in pureness

Just one comment for all of you. IF I COULD DO IT THAN ALL OF YOU COULD SURELY DO IT. let roll

keep on trucking

Wow that's awesome!

Bh thanks to hashem and to all of his shlichim down here Im now clean for 30 full days, just entered level 3 on the 90 day chart

More than the number of clean days, i'm thrilled by the level of deepness and purity of those days. I was able to redefine what im careful of and what a slip should mean. I'm trying -and so far bh with great success- not to THINK or fantasize from מחשבות &הרהורים אסורים at all.  when I slip I just slip into a מחשבה nothing more. that said, I slipped just 3-4 times WOW IM AWESOME I REALLY AM
On the other hand I was toren into pieces when the night after yom kiper I had a wet dream, I felt so pure after yom kiper having a sense of real תשובה and commitment. I took it as a sign that for me its not enough. as if hashem is asking and saying to me 'boy dont feel good about yourself I know your כוחות you should be doing much better' honestly I feel I could do even better just I dont know whats the next level is, I'm almost not thinking of it, yet I must admit I'm still looking (and sometimes starring) on women in the streets, but its just that, a look and its gone. its really hard for me to control it
Despite all that I manged to keep my spirit high, it shouldn't be hard taking into account where I'm at and where I'm coming from

May you all have a git yoor with a nice shiny truck..... time to roll

p.s. I said that I will use my home computer just once a week however this chol hmoad Im going to use it daily